


Make-Believe

by MrsToriPears



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, College, Endless fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, I promise, M/M, Oblivious Jeremy, Pining, Platonic(?) Cuddles, Post-Canon, Slight Canon Divergence, Slightly less oblivious but still pretty oblivious Michael, Slow Burn, eventual mutual pining, k nevermind theres a ton of angst lolol, not too much!!
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-21
Updated: 2017-10-21
Packaged: 2018-12-04 20:17:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 57,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11562564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrsToriPears/pseuds/MrsToriPears
Summary: Michael is content with Jeremy never knowing about his feelings for him, and living a blissful lie in his own head. Until reality comes around and he realizes he can't hide it any longer.*THE SECOND BONUS CHAPTER HAS BEEN POSTED*





	1. Best Friends

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. This is my first time writing, and it is a bit of an undertaking, but something about Michael and Jeremy's relationship really inspired me. I am taking a lot of inspiration from my own experience being in love with my best friend, so I hope I do it some justice! This story will initially be told in Michael's perspective, but will switch to Jeremy's perspective at the halfway point. If you would like to chat with me at all about Be More Chill, your welcome to come by my tumblr at MrsLovelyPears.tumblr.com

It was a brisk november day when Jeremy first came back to school after the whole squip incident. Though having his best friend out of the hospital and back to a relative normal was awesome, Michael was filled with a dread that he couldn’t shake. Because he knew it was the day that Jeremy would ask Christine out. And they would start dating. And it would be the start of Jeremy leaving him behind once more. But in a different, crueller way that he could never voice.

He didn’t even know why Jeremy had bothered to make plans with him today. So there he waited after school, leaning against his car, waiting for the inevitable text telling him to go home without him. 

But instead, he saw Jeremy, calling out his name and waving enthusiastically as he ran towards him from the entrance. Michael almost laughed at how clumsily he bounced along with an untied scarf flailing behind him. It suddenly slid off of his neck, catching the wind before getting thrown directly into a puddle of mud and leaves. Jeremy skidded to a halt to retrieve it. 

“Moron” he affectionately tutted as Jeremy bounded up to him, out of breath from running. His drenched scarf was hastily shoved halfway into his coat pocket.

Jeremy grinned at him through the heavy breaths. “H-hey Michael!”

Putting on his “supportive best friend” face expertly, he put his hand on Jeremy’s shoulder. “So… How’d it go?” He felt like he didn’t really need to ask. Any negative outcome wouldn’t have resulted in such an adorable expression.

“It went great!” He beamed. “Perfect! I’m so… relieved! Christine was so cute and sweet, I was getting, like, really nervous as per usual, but she was saying ‘Just say what’s on your mind, Jeremy’” He gushed to Michael, moving to get into the car’s passenger seat. Michael ignored the pain of his crushed heart and hopped into the driver's side. 

“That’s amazing Jeremy!” he shouted. “So, so what are you doing here with me, don’t you have, like, new boyfriend duties of walking her home and stuff?”

Jeremy gave him a dumbfounded look for a moment, and then put his hands in front of himself. “Oh, no, no, no! We’re… we’re not dating!”

Michael froze in the middle of doing his seatbelt up. “What?!” He shouted, a little too loud. “I thought you said it went perfect?”

He scratched the back of his head nervously, but maintained a small smile on his face. “It did! I asked her if we could be just friends. I... I decided I didn’t want to date her… anymore.” His sentence turned into a mumble by the last word. 

Michael gave him a disbelieving squint, to which Jeremy gave him a pout in return. “You mean to tell me that all of a sudden, you are just _miraculously_ over the girl you’ve been crushing on for like, all of high school?” He regretted his wording, but Jeremy didn’t seem to react so he brushed it aside. “After all of the stuff that went down?”

Jeremy gave him a shrug. Michael raised his eyebrows.

“Well, I mean-” Jeremy continued, like he was pressured by the look Michael was giving him, “I think I should just... hold off on dating for a while. _Because_ of all of the stuff that went down. You know?” Michael nodded. “And besides… We have- uh- a ton of lost time to make up for player 2.” He tapped Michael’s arm with his fist. Unsure of what to say to that, he socked him back gently, trying to make his smile seem less giddy and more chill.

The ride home was silent, but with a pleasantly peaceful atmosphere. His thoughts flowed out of control. He was over the moon. He felt as if… Jeremy had chosen him. Over the girl of his dreams. And that thought alone made his heart soar. 

A few hours later, they were sitting together in Michael’s basement, laughing at dumb jokes, munching on popcorn. Like old times. They had long since turned off the TV - their eyes sore from staring at blinding 16-bit graphics for so long.

“Hey, Michael?” Jeremy piped up after a lull in conversation. He was staring down at his hands, which were picking absently at fraying fabric of the couch. Michael noticed him biting his lower lip.

“Hm?” He hummed back, lifting his head to pretend that he was distracted by something on the ceiling. He did that sometimes when he realized he had been staring at Jeremy. He didn’t want to seem weird or anything, so he would try to fake disinterest. But not so much that it didn’t seem like he cared.

“I am… so… so sorry, dude.” 

Michael had not been expecting anything like that, immediately shooting his gaze back down, and Jeremy’s sincere, downcast eyes took him off guard. “W-whuh?” he sloppily responded.

Jeremy scooted closer to him on the couch until their knees were touching. Michael’s insides twisted at this small touch. He looked at their legs. “I… I hurt you. And I pushed you away, and I ignored you, and I called you a loser, and… And… God, I’m so sorry. But not only did you stick by me, you… You’re still willing to be my f-friend…” Small tears threatened to spill out of Jeremy’s eyes. Michael noticed. He instinctively yearned to wipe them away, to grab Jeremy’s hands and hold him close to show him that he was there, that he forgave him, that he would over and over again. Instead he just spoke.

“Jeremy… Jeremy of course I still want to be your friend. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” The lie hitched in his throat and he tried to push away the thoughts that surfaced because of it. “I’ll always be here for you.” He wanted to say so much more. He had planned what he would say to Jeremy’s inevitable apology weeks ago, even before everything had been resolved. But now, in the moment, everything he had prepared just flew out of his head and he didn’t know what else to say. Jeremy’s tears inspired his own before he could try to stop them, and his voice became raspy with emotion. “And I’ll always forgive you, no matter what, because… You’re my best friend.”

As Michael's lip trembled, Jeremy surprised him once more by reaching forward and hugging Michael close to him. His hand glided into his hair and he leaned Michael’s head to rest against his shoulder. He gasped silently in surprise at the action, taking a second to process what was happening before tightly wrapping his own arms around Jeremy’s thin body, electing to grab a handful of Jeremy’s shirt to ground himself and create extra… distance. He hoped it hadn’t been an odd decision to make. He took a breath. He savoured the touch he had been desperately craving. 

There was a rule Michael had given himself, a restriction, ever since he had realized his feelings for Jeremy. And that was to hold back on touching him whenever he could. He was constantly worried about crossing a line, giving away a sign, or freaking Jeremy out with something that felt… to affectionate for just bros. But this… This had been initiated by Jeremy, so it was fine. 

Neither of them moved apart from each other for a long time. Jeremy rubbed circles on his back. Michael gradually loosened his clutch of the fabric of Jeremy’s shirt as he relaxed. 

Jeremy was the first to pull away, although he couldn’t tell you exactly how much time had passed. He let out a small awkward laugh. “I just realized how clammy I am, sorry.” 

Michael laughed back, face flushed. “Me too.” They look at each other fondly. Jeremy leaned against him, despite the clamminess.

“You are the best friend I could have ever asked for, Michael.” He closed his eyes as he spoke.

Michael hesitated before reaching over and ruffling his hair lightly, and made a split second decision to leave his hand there, carding through his curly hair. The small sound Jeremy made in response was enough to make Michael dizzy. It was an intimate moment, his rule could be broken for just this one night.

“You too, Jer.”


	2. Sleep-Deprivation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy hides things from Michael. And then he reveals things to Michael.

It seemed like Michael blinked and the moment was over, and he was waving goodbye to Jeremy as he headed down the street to his own home. With the door closed, and no one to see him, he allowed himself to crack an excited grin. He sighed and leaned his back against the front door with his palms against his face. His cheeks were hot. He hoped Jeremy hadn’t noticed his blush.

He suddenly dashed up the stairs with vigor, grabbing the railing at the turn to swing himself forward towards his room. He burst through the door, not worrying about disturbing anyone else in the house, if anyone was even home tonight. Scrambling, he put his headset on and opened up skype, knowing for sure the person he was looking for would be online. Because when was he not?

Before he could even hit the call button, a message popped up from KornKing3000.

KornKing3000: yoooo dude  
KornKing3000: ur aliiiive  
KornKing3000: where u been???? thought ud been brain melted by the mountain dew menace

He quickly typed out a reply.

WakaWaka: dude too much to type, can u talk rn??  
KornKing3000: one sec

Michael tapped on his desk impatiently as he waited for his friend. He had first come across ‘Korn’ as he knew him while playing Warcraft. It was a miraculous coincidence that he had known about Squips, and he had given Michael vital information on how to help Jeremy and the others. Apparently his brother had gotten one and ended up in a mental hospital trying to get it out. He was the only person in the world, wherever in the world he was, that knew about Michael’s crush on Jeremy.

He clicked the answer button before the second note of the ringtone.

“K gaylord give me the deets.” He heard through his headset. “What happened with ur fuckbuddy and his squip.”

Michael sucked in a deep breath. “Well, I brought the Red to Jeremy’s play, and the whole cast was like, squip-zombies trying to kick my ass, Jeremy’s squip made him try to fight me which was stupid because everyone knows he’s a twig, and then... “ he blanked for a moment while remembering his and Jeremy’s fight.

“... and then???”

“Fuck, so then Jeremy went really weird for a sec which I think meant his squip was trying to turn him to the dark side, but then he made Christine drink the dew, and then everyone started screaming-”

“Holy shit.”

“Yeah, holy shit! Then suddenly everyone was passed out! They took everyone to the hospital, apparently something similar happened before at another one of the plays.”

He heard a snort.

“So, yeah, everything’s cool now, Jeremy and I are chillin’ again, and the best part- You are not going to believe this… He turned her down!”

There was a short pause as he heard the crinkling of a bag of something, some sort of junk food. “Who, the theater chick?” His words were muffled by whatever he had shoved into his mouth. Michael turned the volume down a bit, cringing.

“Christine.”

“Your ultimate rival…” He dragged it out with a sarcastic gasp. “Why’d he do that I thought he, like, worshiped her.”

“Yeah, I know!!” He said in a giddy voice. “And he- get this- he said it was because he wanted to spend more time with me!” He flung his arms into the air and nearly tipped his chair over backwards, smacking his hand on the desk as he flailed to balance himself again. “Fuck!”

Korn responded in a mocking voice over loud munching, “Wow, did he suck your dick while he was at it?” He ignored Michael’s grumbled protests. “So do you think he had his gay awakening and is gonna propose to you soon?”

“Oh hell, no. Of course not.” he responded seriously.

“Why not?”

His voice dropped. “He just feels bad for ignoring me and is trying to make it up to me. He’s sweet like that. Once he realizes that everything’s cool between us he’ll go off again. I mean, it’s not like he completely turned Christine down? He said that he told her he doesn’t want to date ‘right now’” Michael made air quotes even though Korn couldn’t see it. “It could still happen.”

“Do you really think you have no chance?”

Michael didn’t even have to think about that. “Obviously not. The dude is straight. Like, the straightest of the straight.” The word straight started to sound strange to him. “And he’s like, my only friend. Telling him how I feel would be shitting on our precious 12 years of friendship and basically dooming me to be a friendless loner.”

“Oh wow.” Korn bit sarcastically. “And I thought we were friends. Silly me.” Michael could tell he was joking.

“You don’t count.”

After a moment, the voice over the computer continued. “You think he’d actually ditch you if you told him?” 

Michael shrugged at no one who could see. “Maybe. Probably. I don’t know. But it would definitely make it weird. Irreparably weird.”

Korn sighed. “I get you, dude. RIP the closet best friend crush. CBFC.” He snickered. “That sounds like a news station. Or fried chicken.”

Michael rested his chin in his hands. “It’s alright, dude. I can survive off of platonic bro embraces for the rest of my life. Which, by the way, totally happened.”

“No dude, hear me out.” Korn warned in a serious voice. “Those will fuck you up man. Too many of those will literally kill you.”

“Feels more like the opposite right now, like they fuel me.”

“Whatever, are we gonna play or what.” Korn briskly interrupted. Michael looked towards the clock. It was getting pretty late, and he had school tomorrow…

“Fuck yeah we are.”

That night, he dreamed. Of a comfortable life with his best friend by his side. A fantastical dream, filled with soft touches, cuddles, small pecks on the lips. 

Of course, the next morning he was miserable. He slumped out of his car with a lukewarm coffee in his hand, his feet dragging across the pavement. He heard a small voice behind him.

“Mornin’ Mikey.”

He turned as fast as his groggy body would go at his favourite sound in the world. “Hey, Jer-!” he put his hand half into the air in a lazy wave. He wondered how he missed Jeremy when he was driving in as he saw him squeeze past from behind his parked car. When his eyes focused he frowned.

Jeremy looked worse than he did.

“Yo, dude are you feelin’ alright?” He immediately heard himself asking. Jeremy’s face was even paler than yesterday, and the dark circles underneath his eyes looked like bruises. His hair was sticking up everywhere, and he had toothpaste residue on the corner of his mouth, which Michael briefly considered wiping off for him before deciding that would definitely be a weird thing for him to do. “You look like shit.”

Jeremy looked down at the ground. Michael was worried he was going to pass out by the way he swayed, like a strong gust of wind would just blow him away. Jeremy didn’t respond. Michael put out his hand to gently grip his arm, noting how thin he felt through his coat.

Seemingly brought out of a daze, Jeremy’s eyes trailed from Michael’s arm to his face. When he met his eyes, he blinked hard and smiled at him. “No, I’m… I’m fine.”

Michael’s expression must have given away how little he believed that answer. Jeremy insisted he was alright and urged the two of them to head into the school. He pulled his arm away weakly. The refusal of touch made Michael curse himself. Bad idea, bad idea, remember the rule. He looked Jeremy over as they walked, suddenly noticing something.

“Dude, where’s your bag?”

Jeremy looked around, as if trying to find it. He groaned. “At home, I guess.” He let out an exasperated sigh as he turned towards Michael and pressed his forehead into his red sweater. Michael extended the hand that held his coffee away from them out of worry he was going to spill it. Feeling awkward just standing there, he placed his free hand on Jeremy’s shoulder and gently rubbed him with his thumb. Jeremy let out a long sigh.

The cold suddenly wasn’t biting him so harshly anymore as affection brought warmth to his cheeks. “Do you want me to drive you home to get it?” Jeremy shook his head no, rubbing against Michael. He wanted to offer to just take him home to rest. He looked like he desperately needed it. Had he just stayed up late, like him? Or was he really getting sick? He pulled away slightly, and Jeremy stumbled without him to hold him up.

Softly, he tipped Jeremy’s head upwards and touched the back of his hand to his forehead. It didn’t feel that warm. He put his hand down and looked into Jeremy’s droopy eyes. “You probably don’t have a fever. Are you just tired?” Jeremy nodded. Michael offered his coffee to him, probably chilled by now from standing out in the cold. Jeremy took it gratefully.

He gulped it down and grimaced. “How do you drink it like this.” He complained. Michael chuckled and they walked into the building together.

For the rest of the day he kept an eye on Jeremy when he could. In the one class they had together - english, he watched his best friend repeatedly droop his head downwards and jerk back up again every few seconds. Halfway through her lecture their teacher smacked her book onto Jeremy’s desk with a loud _thwack_ , jerking him awake and making him jump back in terror. Michael _hated_ her. He smiled at Jeremy when he looked over at him from the other side of the room, and Jeremy smiled back meekly and rubbed his face with both of his hands.

Michael _loved_ him.

After school was over, he rode Jeremy home in his car, telling him to go right to sleep. Jeremy didn’t meet his eyes, but nodded. “Thanks, Michael.”

“It’s cool, buddy. Get better, ok?”

But he didn’t.

For the next week, Jeremy came to school looking like a ghost, which was starting to freak Michael out. He pestered him each day asking him what was wrong. He only got vague responses out of him.

“Just… had a bad night.” Jeremy grumbled, eyes unfocused, looking across at nothing. Jeremy had an obvious habit of not looking into your eyes when he was lying. Michael noticed. And he wasn’t happy about it.

“For the past week? Dude, seriously, you can tell me anything, you know? I’m here for you.” Michael offered, getting more and more stressed. Jeremy yawned. “Is something going on at home?” He asked in a quieter voice.

Jeremy scrunched his nose and shook his head. “No, no, it’s not that. I just… Can I come over tonight?” He pushed aside Michael’s proddings with the change of topic. Regardless, Michael was excited about the prospect of having Jeremy over - it was the weekend, he would probably stay over for the night, and Michael would have the chance to make sure he got some real sleep. Or at least get some answers.

He grinned wide. “Of course, dude!” He patted him on the back gently. He had learned the hard way not to smack him too hard right now, he had almost knocked him over a few days ago.

It was later, in the basement of his house, that one of Michael’s dreams became a reality. After about 20 minutes of him putting on a documentary about wolves (one with the most soothing voice that he could find), Jeremy had fallen asleep. With his head rested on Michael’s lap. Well, the edge of his thigh. It was close enough.

Assured by the quiet almost-snores that he was truly asleep, Michael smiled down affectionately at him. He was worried about waking him, but the temptation of Jeremy’s soft, fluffy hair made his hand move on his own. He wanted to touch it again. He brought his hand up with a feather-light touch. Jeremy shivered, but remained asleep. The movement made Michael’s stomach twist. He felt like a criminal, breaking his rule so many times. Especially now, when he had no excuse, and Jeremy wasn’t even conscious to notice. He considered it and thought, well, if he’s asleep then that’s alright, it’s just touching his hair. He’ll never know.

Properly running his fingers through Jeremy’s hair, Michael studied his face. He had lost weight. His lips were dry and cracked. And the dark bags under his eyes... But right now, he looked peaceful. Michael was relieved to bring him any sort of peace from whatever he was going through right now. He turned his attention back to the television and let himself relax.

It was a few movies later. Michael was dreading waking Jeremy up, but he desperately needed to pee and it was about time for them to properly turn in for the night. He decided to try and shift out from underneath him without waking him up. He began to slide away, but as soon as Jeremy’s head touched the couch he let out an unhappy grunt. “Sorry…” Michael whispered as he blinked awake, squinting at the dim light from the television. 

“Hey, Jer. Sorry I woke you. I’m gonna head to bed, you ok crashing here? I’ll go get you a proper pillow and blanket.” As he spoke, he felt himself holding back a laugh at how disoriented Jeremy looked. 

He turned away to head for the bathroom. “Nnn- muh- Michael…” Jeremy croaked. He loved the way Jeremy’s voice sounded when he was tired. He looked back at him. He was half sitting up, holding himself up with his thin arms. There was a heavy pause before he spoke again. “... uh… never mind. S’okay.” He slumped back down face first. Michael laughed.

Jeremy had barely moved when he came back, supplies in his arms. He placed the pillow he had brought near his head and coaxed him onto it, and laid the blanket overtop of him, tucking him in. He whispered goodnight to him and went upstairs to dive into his own bed. He smiled as he curled up with his pillow pulled to his chest. He was proud of himself for getting Jeremy to fall asleep so easily. He dozed off thinking of breakfast ideas to throw together in the morning.

That night he dreamt of a memory. They were 8. Jeremy was crying. Michael was desperately making various silly faces to cheer him up, bouncing around, acting like a clown. He ended up tripping and falling into a pile of leaves, landing with a soft thump and sending leaves flying into the air. But it wasn’t like Michael remembered. Instead of bursting into laughter, Jeremy continued to let out muffled whimpers and sniffles. This felt strange. He felt his eyes blink open, pulled out of his sleep. He realized he could still hear crying.

He sat up slowly, looking around his dimly lit room. Moonlight leaked through the slots of his blinds, giving a small amount of visibility. The sound came from the end of his bed, but no one was there that he could see. He slowly crawled forward on his hands and knees, stopping at the edge.Then he found it. Curled up, leaning against the base of his bed was his best friend. His hands were hugging his knees to his face and his body shook with barely held back sobs.

“Jeremy?” He whispered.

Jeremy jumped in surprise, gasping as he quickly turned his head to see him leaning over the edge of the bed. “M-M-Mich-Michael” He hiccupped in the middle of the word. “You’re aw-awake, I- I’m s-s-s-sorry I woke you-” he gasped for air, starting to hyperventilate. 

Michael quickly jumped down to sit next to him, placing his hand on his back and shushing him softly. “Hey, no, it’s ok Jeremy, it’s ok. Calm down, it’s ok.”

Jeremy continued to babble at him, “I- I- I- didn’t- I didn’t want to dist--urb you, but I- I n-needed, I couldn’t- be- a-a-lone-” He started to take short, convulsive breaths between every word as tears dribbled down his face. Michael rubbed circles on his back.

“Shhhh, Jeremy, you’re ok, you’re ok, don’t speak, just relax for me. Shhhh…” He repeated the same phrases over and over, until eventually Jeremy’s breathing began to slow down. 

There was a long moment of quiet. Then Jeremy let out a phlegmy cough, covering his mouth against his knee. He wiped his nose on his pants used both of his hands to smear the tears off of his face, letting out shuddering breaths. He then straightened his legs out in front of him and tapped his fingers on the floor, finally turning to look at Michael. “Hey.” He said as casually as he could, despite his sore throat and stuffy nose.

Michael nearly laughed, rewarding Jeremy’s attempt at being funny with at least a small smile and a snort. “Hey dude. You… ok?”

Jeremy shifted, looking down again. “I feel… better now. Thanks. I’m sorry for waking you up.”

“Hey, stop apologising, man. It’s ok.” He shrugged at Michael in response. “How long were you sitting there?”

He picked at the carpet between them. “I don’t know… a while?”

Michael could feel the biting tension in the air. It was time to talk about it, whatever was going on with Jeremy. He searched for the right words.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?”

Jeremy met his eyes. He looked like he was ready to talk. He took a deep breath. “I’ve been sorta having… nightmares, I guess? I just… at night, whenever I try to sleep I hear um... “ He hesitated and put his hands together. “The squip.” Michael felt a cold chill run down his spine. The squip? It wasn’t really gone? He opened his mouth to ask about it, but before he could speak Jeremy continued. “I- I don’t think it’s the actual thing? I mean it might be, but it doesn’t sound the same. All it does is… Yells at me. T-Telling me how h-horrible and ugly and boring I am and how everyone hates me and-”

Michael interrupted Jeremy’s shaky ramblings, worried that he would start to cry again. “What? Jeremy none of that is true!”

“I mean… I kinda know that, but… but… i don’t know,” He sighed and scratched the back of his neck. “It’s stupid, but… it really affects me? It’s so scary, Michael. I’ve barely been able to sleep because I’m so scared of hearing it again. Sometimes…” He trailed off, stopping to think.

The pause seemed to linger for too long, so Michael pressed him. “Sometimes… what?”

“Uhh…” Jeremy gave him a nervous look and waved his hand dismissively. “Anyway, I woke up tonight because of it. Well, sort of. I wasn’t really able to fall back asleep after you left actually.” Michael thought back to when he left him downstairs, and chided himself for not recognizing his worried expression at the time. “Then I got really freaked out and I didn’t want to be alone so I came upstairs but… I couldn’t bring myself to wake you up. I felt so scared and tired and I got so overwhelmed that I started to cry but I really didn’t want to be alone so… so that’s why I was here.” He finished his rant, voice reduced to a tiny mumble. He brought his knees back up to his chest and held himself tight.

Michael was at a loss for words. His best friend was here, pouring out his soul to him, and Michael knew that he needed to be there for him, to say something that would make it all better, or help somehow, show him that he cared about his problems… But he drew a blank. He blurted out the first words that came to mind, inelegant and not what he really wanted to say at all.

“I’m… that… I’m really sorry, Jeremy. That sucks so much.” Suddenly embarrassed by his lame answer, he tried to cover it up with another question. “How long has it been happening?”

Jeremy thought for a moment. “Since… The first night at the hospital. After I woke up, I mean.” Michael frowned. That meant he had barely been sleeping for almost two entire weeks. But it’s not like he couldn’t believe it. Jeremy had certainly looked as if that was the case.

“What? Jeremy, why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know, because it sounds stupid, and you’d think I was lame and complaining about nothing and you’d get tired of me?” His voice rose and he gestured around wildly, looking at the wall opposite Michael.

Michael spoke softly. “What are you talking about? Are those the kind of things it says to you?” Jeremy looked at him with watery eyes. Suddenly, words came to him. And he realized he was just looking for the truth the whole time. “Jeremy. I want you to understand. I could never get tired of you. You are the most interesting, funny, cool, special dude I know. You’re my best friend, like, my only friend, and I’d never give you up for anything. I don’t need any other friends because you’re all the entertainment I’d ever need in my life. Oh, and you are absolutely not ugly, you’re freaking handsome and everyone knows it. You can tell that dumb voice in your head that it’s wrong and I will personally kick it’s ass.” Jeremy laughed.

“Thanks, Mikey.” He said, wiping a tear from his eye. He nudged closer to Michael and their shoulders bumped. They smiled at each other.

“Have you told your dad?” Michael asked, a little embarrassed about what he said. Jeremy nodded.

“Yeah, the other night actually. He cornered me and made me fess up after I dunked my head into my bowl of trix.” 

“Silly rabbit.” Michael said, voice full of accidental affection. This earned him an elbow jabbed into his side. “Hey!”

“Screw off.” He laughed. “We talked, and he was supportive and all but… Dad’s never been good at… feelings. He’s more of a tell people what to do rather than actually do kinda guy. That’s why he’s an office manager. Haha. He actually told me to talk to you about it… so yeah.”

“I feel like your dad has a record of asking me to help you?” Michael teasingly questioned. He thought back to Jeremy’s dad talking to him on his porch. He thought of how he asked Michael if he loved Jeremy. The question took him by complete surprise, and he could only sputter out ‘whuh?’ in response. He was pretty sure they both had different types of love in mind, but the words felt like they burned. The memory started to make him nervous, so he focused on what Jeremy was saying.

He was laughing. “Yeah. Well, he’s right.”

Had Michael missed something while he was lost in thought? “Right about what?”

Jeremy continued, but with hesitation, almost like he was shy. “He was saying that you’d be able to calm me down. And it’s true. I always feel like, a lot better when I’m with you. Earlier on the couch was… so relaxing.” He was picking at the carpet again. Had he always had that habit? He seemed to be doing it a lot more often, Michael observed. “I was able to fall asleep really easily, and I didn’t have any bad dreams… Michael?”

Michael realized he was staring at Jeremy. He felt his face flush and he tried to cover it with a strange pose where he leaned his face on his hand at a strange angle. “Y-yeah! Uh, I’m glad that I can help you, uh, like that.” That was an understatement. Jeremy’s words were making him feel a surge of overwhelming pride. He gloated to himself in his mind. Jeremy feels relaxed when he is with him. And happy. He shifted his strangely posed arm to smother a giddy smile.

Jeremy was giving him a strangely amused look. He seemed to think for a moment. Then he bit his lip. “Do you think I could crash with you tonight? Like when we were kids?”

“Yeah! Yeah of course dude!” Had he answered too quickly? Michael felt himself sweat nervously. Be cool, dude. It’s just sharing a bed - a small, twin sized bed - with your crush. Nothing you can’t handle.

“Kay, ‘cuz I am very ready to sleep.” His eyes were closed, and he stretched with his arms high above his head. He didn’t wait for Michael to respond before clammering onto the bed and sneaking under the covers, making sure there was room for him to join.

With a little more hesitation, Michael walked over to the edge of the bed. Jeremy held the blanket up for him, grinning. Maybe he didn’t have to feel so guilty and nervous, especially when Jeremy was so enthusiastic. He climbed in.

Before he could even get completely settled, Jeremy snaked forward and snuggled his head against Michael’s chest. To which Michael found himself automatically draping his arm around his side. It just felt… right. He was surprised in his own boldness (or lack of restraint, he thought to himself), but Jeremy didn’t seem to mind.

Feelings of guilt over being so happy about Jeremy needing him bubbled up for a moment before Michael shoved them back down, letting himself just enjoy it. Both of them slept peacefully that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realized as I was writing that without a person to vent his feelings to Michael was sounding w a y too sad for what I was going for, and that totally was not my intention, as he is supposed to be relatively content with what they have at first. However, I also wanted to ensure Michael felt very isolated, so I didn't want him to confide in anyone from the Squip Squad. So, I brought in his Warcraft Buddy that he mentions in the bathroom scene of the musical. 
> 
> I did a doodle of him on my tumblr [here](https://mrslovelypears.tumblr.com/post/163966555205/uhhhhhh-just-if-anyone-was-wondering-what-korn)
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Theres a lot more tender bro embraces comin' for you soon!


	3. Life on Fast-Forward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snippets of life and plans for the future

They slept in that day, for way later than is considered excusable for a constructive member of society, but they didn’t care. Michael woke up first, and was grateful for that. His eyes still shut, he found himself nuzzling into a head of soft, curly hair. Breathing in his scent, his eyes fluttered open, and he noticed that his arms were curled around Jeremy, cradling him tightly. He felt scandalous.

Not as carefully as he would have otherwise, he peeled himself away from him, aware that both of them were pretty sweaty from being so close all night. Jeremy didn’t stir. He turned to grab his phone which was plugged in on his bedside table. He thanked past him for remembering to charge it. It was shamefully late.

He sat up and considered waking Jeremy up. He wondered if his nightmares would start up again if he left. Probably not, he decided, as what Jeremy had told him about was mostly problems falling asleep. He decided to get up without him.

30 minutes later he returned upstairs with a tray in his hands. He placed it on his desk and crouched next to the bed, looking at Jeremy’s sleeping face. “Hey…” He said quietly. “Jeremy~” he drew out the name with a sing-songy voice. Jeremy rubbed his face onto the bed in response, drawing his hands in closer to himself. “Come on, Jeremy. Time to wake up.” he insisted, a little louder. “I brought you breakfast~”

Jeremy seemed to react to that word. He stretched a bit and started to sniff the air. He rubbed his face and made tired mumbles. “Food...?” Michael was able to make one of the words, and it made him smile.

“Come on, open your eyes and find out!”

He slowly rose up on the bed, blinking his eyes open. Michael grabbed the tray and held it in front of the sleepy boy. His eyes widened at the full plate of french toast, complete with some whipped cream on top for extra flair. “Dude!” he breathed out in disbelief, gratefully taking the tray. Michael took his own plate and sat down at the desk to eat.

After he had shoved down a few mouthfuls, Jeremy spoke. “I can’t believe you brought me breakfast in bed.” He took a gulp of orange juice that Michael had also brought up. “You are the absolute best.” 

Michael smirked at him. “Oh, I know I am. I wanted to make sure you ate a decent meal, you are literally skin and bones.” Jeremy shrugged.

“That’s because hospital food is nasty. And I’ve been too tired to cook anything decent for myself, and Dad’s been busy, so…” He trailed off, going back to his plate for more.

“Yeah I assumed.” Michael told him. He didn’t know if Jeremy would want to get into what they talked about yesterday so soon, so he tread carefully around what he said.

After they had finished, plates stacked on the desk, Jeremy had gone downstairs to fetch his phone that he had left there. He returned with a grimace on his face.

“What’s up?” Michael asked.

Jeremy was typing quickly on his outdated cell phone. “I forgot to tell my dad I was sleeping here last night. He’s pissed.” As he spoke, his phone started to ring in his hand. He sighed. “It’s him.” He stepped into the hall to answer the phone. Michael browsed the internet while he waited for Jeremy to come back, trying hard not to eavesdrop.

After a few minutes Jeremy walked back in, looking defeated. “He’s gonna come pick me up. He wants to talk to me about ‘how things are going to work now that your old man’s got his pants on’” He mocked his father’s voice sarcastically. Michael laughed. Jeremy leaned on the closed door with his hands behind him.

“So, uh… thanks. For last night.” Jeremy said suddenly. He looked better already, some colour already returning to his face. The bags under his eyes weren’t entirely gone, but they looked much better than they did before. He had a relaxed smile on his face.

Michael smiled back. “No problem. Any time you need me, just call ok? I want to help you.” He needed to make sure he told Jeremy this, knowing very well that Jeremy would probably feel too worried about inconveniencing Michael if he didn’t outright tell him. Jeremy nodded.

“Ok. I will.”

He called him that night. Over the course of the next month, he called Michael almost every other day, always around midnight. Just asking for Michael to talk to him. Distract him. After around 30 minutes to an hour, Jeremy would fall asleep over the phone, and Michael would whisper goodnight to him before hanging up and falling asleep himself. 

Michael was more than happy to help. He fantasized a story of him and Jeremy being in a long distance relationship, and wanting to be with one another so badly that they fell asleep to each other’s voices. He dreamt of whispered I love you’s. Embarrassing attempts at phone sex. Kisses against the phone receiver. 

Jeremy felt guilty. In one of the calls he made to Michael, he nervously apologized to him for calling him so often. 

“You’re losing sleep because of me… I’m so sorry, Michael.” He murmured into the phone. “I’m such a bother to you… I don’t know why you stand me.” It was in these midnight calls that Jeremy tended to berate himself so heavily. Michael didn’t have to ask why. So he reassured him over and over, promising him that it was ok, telling him how great he really was, and what he liked about him. It was embarrassing, but these things are much more useful said out loud rather than held inside.

Some nights were worse than others. Once in a while, Michael would hear a fearful shake in Jeremy's voice. When he thought he'd be a danger to himself if left alone. Without a moments hesitation Michael would rush out of his house, still in his pajamas, to be by Jeremy's side. Those nights were hard. But they got through them.

Jeremy also started to sleep over more often. Soon, it was simply expected for him to be staying at the Mell’s place each weekend, and they always shared Michael’s tiny bed. Even some weekdays. Somewhere along the line, Michael’s rule got thrown completely out the window. And it was entirely Jeremy’s fault.

“Can you play with my hair again?” He said one day when they were sitting on the couch together. In truth, Michael was sitting. Jeremy had once again decided to take up the majority of the couch lying down with his head in Michael’s lap. Properly in his lap this time. “Like last time?” He asked as casually as he would ask for Michael to pass him something, instead of what Michael considered a deeply intimate action.

Michael sputtered. “L-last time?”

“Like when I was like this, and I crashed because I hadn’t slept in like, a week.” He explained with a relaxed expression on his face.

Michael felt the blood drain from his face. “You remember that? I thought you were asleep!” He immediately regretted telling him that. Now he knew he was only doing it because he wanted to, and that was weird for a dude to want to do to their bro. 

“It helped me fall asleep.” He explained. “It feels really nice. Like, tingly.” Michael felt like curling up into a hole and disappearing forever. After hearing nothing but silence in response, Jeremy looked down. “Hey, if you don’t want to that’s fine. Sorry. I ask you for a lot as it is.”

Hearing this, Michael took the hand closest to Jeremy and ruffled his hair around rapidly. Jeremy squirmed and laughed. Then he began to slowly card his fingers through Jeremy’s hair like he asked him. Jeremy sighed contentedly. Michael’s heart was threatening to thump right out of his chest.

That kickstarted everything. Jeremy started to lean closer, lie closer, asking for head rubs, back rubs, massages, tickles. They got used to the proximity and lost their barriers. 

Jeremy even started to reciprocate the touches. On one night after a particularly stressful day, Michael had a killer headache. He was lying on the couch on his stomach, in complete darkness. Someone turned the light on in the basement and he groaned in protest, trying to sink his head further into the couch.

The sudden feeling of someone’s hands petting his head shocked him, and he lifted his face off the pillow. He realized the light had been turned back off again. “Hey, calm down.” the owner of the grabby hands spoke. “It’s just me.” 

“Jeremy?” He waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. Jeremy hadn’t said he was coming over tonight, but he didn’t always announce his visits. He had his own key, after all. He was standing over Michael at the side of the couch.

“You feeling ok?” Jeremy worried. His concern for him made Michael feel warm. He dropped his face back down. He grunted.

He felt Jeremy start to pet his hair, trying to soothe him. It wasn’t the same as when Michael did it to him, but it felt nice. “Is this alright?” He whispered to him. Michael nodded. He was silent. The pain of his headache dulled his excitement at being touched, but he felt like he couldn’t show how much he liked it regardless. It was too risky. He felt like he was constantly living on the edge of being caught nowadays, but he was too happy to do anything to stop it. Besides… Jeremy needed him.

Maybe it was because of the distance Michael put between them for all those years. Maybe Jeremy had been as touch-starved as him, but platonically. He realized Jeremy wouldn’t have had anyone to hold him over the years. Even before his mom left, Michael didn’t think she had been very warm towards her family. He suddenly felt terrible. He had put his selfish feelings between them when he could have been there for Jeremy.

He remembered seeing things on the discovery channel about humans needing touch to be able to grow and thrive. He remembered hearing that young children could die from a lack of affection. So he justified himself - he could be that source of affection for Jeremy. As friends. For as long as he needed him. The impending inevitability of Jeremy finding someone to share his life with, a person he loved more than anyone else, and leaving Michael behind… he tucked that away in his brain to deal with later.

Before he knew it, it was senior year.

Michael had been avoiding talking about the future. After everything that happened with Jeremy getting ‘popular’ because of the squip, he hadn’t known what to think about college. In the past they had always talked about going to the same school, and finally being thought of as cool together. The closer they got to graduation the more Michael thought that was probably an unreasonable promise.  
Thankfully, terrifyingly, Jeremy brought it up one day. They were sitting at an empty park on the swings on a warm day in September. Prime location for a feelings session, it dawned on Michael. Jeremy had mysteriously insisted they come out here to ‘hang out’. He probably wanted to make sure they didn’t get distracted by games or TV so they could finally have some ‘real talk’.

“So… what are you thinking of studying? After graduation.” He asked seriously.

Michael sniffed loudly through his nose. “Uh... Music I think. Like, theory. Maybe for… teaching.” He had talked to his parents about it already. They just wanted to know how much they would have to shell out for him. “How about you?”

“I’m not really sure… But I’m thinking something like computer science?” He had a blush spreading across his cheekbones. It was cute. “I don’t know, I was just thinking I’d try.”

“Cool.”

They both said nothing for awhile. Jeremy swung back and forth lazily. Finally he spoke again, and Michael could tell he was trying to sound casual. “You thinking of staying in town? I- I am.” Hope bubbled in Michael’s chest.

“There’s a program I was looking at that’s not too far, actually.” He felt a surge of bravery and told Jeremy something he had been hiding for a long time from him. “I’ve been saving up to get an apartment near it. I, uh…” He had spoke so fast that he lost his train of thought. “I’d still be able to keep my job, and attend classes at the same time… and stuff.”

Jeremy faltered. “Oh. You’ve planned this out a lot more than me.” He kicked the dirt underneath him. Michael’s answer seemed to disappoint him somehow. 

He decided to take the plunge. “Do you think you’d wanna room together?” Jeremy jerked his head towards him and revealed a face of shocked disbelief. “Like, if your college is close enough, we could both save money on rent and still get to hang out together.”

“That w-would be awesome!” He exclaimed. Michael’s chest felt light with relief and excitement. He saw that they had been worrying about the same things. He laughed, and they began to chat animatedly about what it would be like moving in together.

Jeremy did end up finding a program that was close enough for him to commute easily to the apartment Michael was planning on living at. They both applied to their respective colleges at the same time, and after a few months of grinding anxiety, they both got their acceptance letters within two weeks of each other. Jeremy’s came second. Michael remembered seeing him running at full speed across the school halls towards him, letter in hand and a huge smile on his face. “I got in!!!” He yelled before tackling him in a death grip of a hug. It knocked the air right out of Michael’s lungs. He was grateful for being flung against his locker instead of smacking his head on the floor like he thought was going to happen. He nervously patted Jeremy on the back as people stared at them. Michael’s face burned.

The year seemed to be on fast forward, and he would blink and another month would have gone by. Prom came and went. They attended together, and Jeremy had looked stunning in a nerdy looking tux that they had bought together. Exams flew by. All-nighters spent studying together until they were dizzy. Then suddenly it was graduation day. They made matching grad caps that said “Player 1” and “Player 2”.

Michael was happy. And he felt like his life with Jeremy was just getting started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The previous chapters have all basically been an introduction to this point in the story where the main focus will be. So, my apologies that there hasn't been much in terms of conflict or angst, but we will be getting there soon!


	4. Pizza and Dependency

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael and Jeremy adapt to living with one another.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are brief descriptions of sex and masturbation in this chapter - I wasn't sure if I would need to up the rating or not but I think I will just in case. I hope you are enjoying the story!

Living with Jeremy is strange. It’s strange because it doesn’t feel like what Michael imagined living with a roommate is like. It just feels like family.

They rent a truck to move all of their things, and they find out that they own a lot more than they thought they did. Well, except for furniture. Jeremy’s dad helped them bring everything up to their 5th floor two-bedroom apartment. He congratulated them on their first step to becoming adults - which Michael was sure he had also said about graduation, and puberty, and when Jeremy lost his first tooth from a ball being thrown in his face. 

Alone, they sat on a lone couch in a room with bare walls and numerous boxes shoved to one side. It was eerily silent, and every small movement they made seemed to echo. They could see a dark night sky outside of a curtainless window. The view was pretty nice.

Both boys entire bodies were sore from the day’s work. They eyed the old, battered television that they had brought - sitting unplugged in the corner of the room on the floor.

“Do you know what box the Genesis is in?” Jeremy lolled his head lazily toward Michael. 

He thought for a moment, looking around at the piles of boxes. “I have no idea.” Jeremy let out a long, exaggerated sigh and slid further down the couch, almost sitting on the floor at this point. “So, are we going to bother putting together the beds tonight?” They had brought each of their beds from home, but had to take apart their frames to get them into their rooms. They were still sitting there dismantled.

“God no.” Jeremy wheezed. 

“Should we-”

“No, no, noooo… I don’t want to do aaaanything else I’m so tiiiired.” Jeremy whined like a child. Michael sat up and pinched his cheek lightly.

“Excuse me,” He smirked “I was going to say, should we order takeout?” Jeremy gave him a blank look, and then closed his eyes and stretched his arms towards Michael.

“Please!”

When it was getting time for the pizza to arrive, the boys came to a realization. They had never ordered pizza in an apartment building before. “Do… do they come up to the room? Or should we go downstairs?” Jeremy sweated. 

Michael wracked his brain trying to remember seeing anything in movies where people ordered pizza. “Uhhh… uhh… I mean, I think we gave them the unit, so shouldn’t that mean-”

“Yeah but they also asked for a phone number to call us at! We- we don’t have any way to let them in the front, how will they get in?” Jeremy put his hands on top of his head in panic. “Maybe one of us should go downstairs!”

“Oh, oh good idea, me or you?”

“Rock paper scissors?” They quickly smashed through three rounds of rock paper scissors to decide that Michael would be going downstairs. He nodded seriously at Jeremy and started to head towards the door. Suddenly he hesitated, whipping back around.

“Do you think we need a receipt?” He nervously asked.

Jeremy looked at him with his mouth agape. “What receipt? We haven’t paid yet!”

“No, no, I mean, like, proof that it was us who ordered it! What if there's multiple-”

“Michael, that’s not how pizza works!”

They were interrupted by a knock on the door. 

Five minutes later they were silently stuffing their faces, both slightly embarrassed. Jeremy was looking around the room, scanning the boxes as if he were searching for something. Michael watched him, forgetting to be concerned about staring for once. Then Jeremy patted the couch cushions and piped up, smiling. “Wanna build a fort?”

They used boxes, blankets, and all the pillows and cushions they could find to construct a makeshift fort against the couch. They found Michael’s lava lamp and carefully positioned it underneath. The blue and red goop inside created stellar mood lighting, and they turned off the rest of the room’s lights before tucking under with more of their pizza and a few cans of surge that Michael had been holding onto for a special occasion.

They pressed close together, shoulder to shoulder, lying on their stomachs. Jeremy bumped against him playfully. “Can I be honest?” He asked Michael, a contented smile on his face as he palmed the ancient beverage in his hands. 

“Always.” Michael assured him seriously. Jeremy’s grin grew wider.

“I’m… I am so- This is the- Blah!” he shook his head and laughed. “There’s so many things I wanna say but, basically I just want you to know that.... This has been one of most exciting days of my life.” The red glow of the lava lamp camouflaged the shy flush of his cheeks. “I’m really, really happy that I get to start a whole new life living together with my favourite person. Really seriously, Mikey.”

Michael saw the world in Jeremy’s eyes, there underneath their lumpy makeshift fort. He felt the intense urge to move forward those few inches and capture his lips in his - this hopelessly, accidentally romantic guy. He always seemed to know exactly what to say to throw Michael’s emotions all over the place.

It took him a while to find his voice. “Me too, Jer.” He said in a tiny whisper, grinning from ear to ear. 

They talked underneath the fort for hours, their minds suddenly filled with energy once more. Michael closed his eyes and imagined while Jeremy lied sprawled across Michael’s stomach, browsing his phone - most likely using up all of his data as the two of them hadn’t yet gotten internet set up. In his mind, they were lovers, newly living with one another. He saw his imaginary Jeremy and him dancing together in the empty room to gentle music, holding each other close. They laughed together. Under a fort they built together, he touched his face and drew him towards him, kissing him gently, lovingly, beautifully. When he opened his eyes, the real Jeremy was there, pulling a silly face at him with his tongue out and his nostrils flaring. Michael laughed and smacked him with a pillow.

The real Jeremy was enough for him.

Weeks went by and they settled easily together. They were already used to each other’s constant company. Their small quirks. Some new ones were discovered - or rediscovered. Like how Jeremy liked to sing in the shower when he thought no one was listening. Or how he tended to leave stray socks around the apartment. One day, Michael got so ticked off about it that he knocked on Jeremy’s door with a bundle of them in his arms and tossed them in his face when he opened it. What resulted was a silly sock throwing fight that ended with a dirty sock in Michael’s mouth. There were tears.

Michael was also reminded of how often Jeremy masturbated. The first time Michael noticed was only a few days into them living together, bright early in the morning. He had finished making them both breakfast and was about to knock on the door before he heard the unmistakable sounds of a cheesy porno video. He backed away from the door as fast as he could. He silently thanked Jeremy’s lack of decency to wear headphones so he couldn’t accidentally walk in on him like that.

It was a fairly regular occurrence. Meaning daily.

Michael only wished he could have given some sort of warning to him the one time Jeremy walked in on him. Unlike his porn obsessed roommate, Michael actually didn’t feel the need that often. He mostly did it as a stress reliever. This was… not one of those nights. It was a guilty night, as he thought of it, when he allowed himself to fantasise about Jeremy. He tried to limit these pretty harshly, feeling like if he did it too often he would be betraying his friends trust. But it had been a while. In the complete darkness of his room, he held himself in his hands and imagined.

His inexperienced mind saw flashes of moments. Himself between Jeremy’s legs. Jeremy’s arching back. Jeremy’s hands grabbing his hair. Jeremy’s voice moaning his name roughly. Jeremy. Jeremy. Michael’s lips parted as he touched himself, a word weakly escaping his lips “Jerem-”

A cold shock waved over his body as he heard his bedroom door click open. His hands shot out from his boxers and he grabbed his comforter in an instant. “Michael…” Jeremy’s tired voice cracked as he rubbed his eyes, taking small wobbly steps towards him. “It’s really bad tonight. Can I come-”

“No!” Michael yelled out, whole body tense, heart beating fast and loud in his ears. His entire body buzzed with the cold chill of fear from almost being caught.

Jeremy stopped at the foot of the bed, looking up at Michael with shock. “W-what?”

Michael’s mind jumped from his messy hands, his compromising boner, his rushing heartbeat, his red hot face. “Not now, Jeremy!” He said in a harsher voice than he wanted to. He turned away from Jeremy’s pleading eyes.

“But, but why- I- I thought, but Mikey you s-said-”

“I said not now!” He shouted in a panic. Jeremy flinched at his raised voice and cowered. He didn’t say anything else before he bolted out, slamming both Michael’s door and then his own. Michael took a second to breathe.

When the panic had dissipated, and his erection deflated, his mind caught up with what he had done. “Shit” he said out loud. He tossed his covers away and made his way to the bathroom, cleaning himself up before knocking on Jeremy’s door.

“Hey, Jer?” He called into the room after not receiving a response. He didn’t hear anything from inside the room. “Jeremy, I’m going to come in.” He said in a stern tone. He opened the door. At first he thought that maybe Jeremy hadn’t come in here at all, not seeing him anywhere around the room. But then he found him crouched under his desk, pushed up against all of the power cords. He knelt down in front of him.

Jeremy’s face was angry. He was breathing heavily through his nose, eyes watering, refusing to look at Michael. “I’m sorry.” Michael apologised clearly. Jeremy’s eyes narrowed even further and he scrunched his nose.

“No you’re not.” He spat bitterly.

“Yes, I am.” Michael insisted, trying to show that he was levelheaded and calm. “Of course I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you like that.”

“Yes you did.” Jeremy said stubbornly. Michael gave him a doubtful look. “You did. You’re tired of me. I can tell, you want me gone. Stupid, clingy Jeremy is needy and annoying and you want me gone.” He curled in on himself tighter.

Michael contemplated what to do. He wasn’t sure if Jeremy would appreciate touch right now. He sat down in front of him and leaned on one of the legs of the desk that was separating them. “Jeremy I could never want you to go away. You’re my best friend, my favourite person, remember?” Jeremy didn’t seem to react, so he continued. “I promise that’s not why I shouted. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have. I was just… busy, and you freaked me out.”

“Busy with what?” he frowned in distrust. “Sleeping? My bad, I thought you said I could always wake you up. Sorry that was more important than me.” He pouted heavily, still refusing to look at Michael.

Jeremy was acting like a spoiled child. “I wasn’t sleeping.”

“So you are tired of me!” He snapped, tears threatening to spill from his eyes. He turned to look at Michael, and his eyes were full of betrayal, fear, and anger.

Michael bit the bullet. “Jer, you walked in on me jerking off.” He spoke with a completely neutral expression.

His face dropped all tenseness, replaced with surprise. He took a second to process, and then he started to giggle, before descending into full blown laughter. Michael joined him, appreciating the feeling of relief. “Wait, wait seriously?” Jeremy managed to say in between giggles. “Oh my god, Mikey. I’m- I’m so sorry.” He laughed harder.

Michael made as casual a face as he could through his embarrassment. “S-so, yeah, shouldn’t have yelled, but you caught me at a really bad time.”

“I should probably knock from now on.”

“Yeah.”

Later they curled up on Michael’s bed, like normal. Michael was running his fingers lightly over Jeremy’s clothed back. He thought about what Jeremy had been saying earlier, and knew they needed to talk. “Hey, Jer?” He spoke quietly in the darkness. Jeremy made a small noise to confirm he was listening. Michael’s fingers touched the bare skin of his neck and he shivered. He knew that would happen. His pupils dilated with affection. “What are you going to do when I’m not here?”

Jeremy tensed, and then he turned towards Michael with a scared look. “What does that mean?” He sounded offended somehow.

“I mean, we aren’t going to be living together forever. What are you going to do on nights like tonight? I can’t always be there.”

“Yes you can- what- Michael why are you-”

“Jeremy.” He sternly pushed. “Don’t you think you should go see an actual therapist for this?” Michael had been wanting to talk about this for a long time. More accurately, he had been avoiding talking about this for a long time. But he was starting to feel like he was doing more harm to Jeremy than good, and making him too dependent on him. As much as he wished to selfishly keep Jeremy to himself, he didn’t want to see him get hurt.

Jeremy looked very uncomfortable at the idea. He looked to the side, as if thinking about it. “I don’t… I don’t like therapy.”

“There’s nothing wrong with getting professional help.”

“I don’t need professional help!” He denied loudly. “I have you.” He nuzzled into the pillow, stubborn and put off.

Michael shifted to his back and stared at the ceiling. “Not forever.”

Jeremy’s head lifted off the pillow and he looked down at him. “Why do you keep saying that?!”

“Because,” he continued, studying the patterns in the ceiling and avoiding looking at Jeremy’s expression. “That’s not realistic. You’ll probably meet someone, maybe even in college, and you’ll want to spend your life with them. You think you’ll be able to call me then? Or start relying on your wife to help you fall asleep every night? Jeremy, you need to be able to help yourself.”

Jeremy was silent, but he gently brought his head back down to rest on Michael’s stomach. Michael didn’t touch him. He had started it. His own ruin. It killed him to start to push Jeremy away, but he was trapping him. So many parts of him wanted to take it back. It seemed like forever before he heard Jeremy speak again.  


“Do you want me to leave?”

Michael took a breath, and tried to bring a lie to his lips. But he couldn’t do it. He let out an honest, simple, desperate “No.”

“Then maybe I won’t.” Michael wondered if he was still dreaming. “You never know.” Jeremy shifted and he gripped the fabric of Michael’s shirt in his hand. 

He couldn’t sleep that night - a combination of being trapped lying on his back as Jeremy’s pillow and his racing thoughts. It was like a promise. To be together forever. He quickly corrected himself, that’s not what he said at all, you are thinking way too hard about all of this. But it could be something more. It could be hope.

He awkwardly reached for his phone, barely grabbing it, and quickly logged into skype. 

WakaWaka: Help  
KornKing3000: wtf is it this time  
WakaWaka: Jerm might have just promised his life to me platonically what should I think of this  
KornKing3000: i don’t think that’s a thing you can do ‘platonically’  
WakaWaka: fuk

He typed rapidly, explaining the situation. Korn had sent a full page of keysmashes when he told him that Jeremy had walked in on him.

KornKing3000: so here’s the thing fozzie  
WakaWaka: stop. Its not a muppet thing its a pac man thing fuck off  
KornKing3000: who cares  
KornKing3000: alright, i know youre too much of a chicken to go the simple route and just confess, so heres what i think you should do  
KornKing3000: test the waters  
KornKing3000: flirt a little  
KornKing3000: treat him like ur boyfriend  
KornKing3000: maybe he’ll dig it. 

Michael looked at Jeremy past his phone. He hadn’t even realized he had started to play with his hair again. He looked back to the phone.

WakaWaka: we already cuddle what else should i do  
KornKing3000: idk, offer to help him jerk off?  
WakaWaka: ABSOLUTELY NOT  
KornKing3000: dude i dont know. take him on dates or somethin. give him flowers. cheezy boyfriend shit.  
WakaWaka: …. Ok i’ll try  
KornKing3000: haha srsly damn ok  
KornKing3000: good luck then dude, im crashed bc its like 6am here so ttyl

Korn signed off before Michael could reply. As he was about to put his phone away, he noticed him log back on for a moment to send him one last message.

KornKing3000: use protection k

He deleted their chat history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading up to this point! I think we are about a third through the story so far. All of the comments and kudos so far have been very encouraging - I will work hard to put out the next chapter as soon as possible!


	5. The Countdown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael tries to hold on while Jeremy starts to drift away from him

Michael didn’t have the courage to try anything for quite a long time. September came around and his anxiety had something else to focus on - college. The studies weren’t too much of a problem. He quickly found he had great professors with lots of passion for teaching and learning, which inspired him and made him buckle down and focus. He was having fun.

It was the other people that made him nervous. There was a reason he only had Jeremy. He both feared and hated the people around him, always watching for their judging eyes. He didn’t like the idea of people thinking about him. In any way. They didn’t know him or understand him at all. So he isolated himself and dreaded partnered assignments.

Jeremy was having a blast, as he told Michael. He had immediately found a group of people that he could get along with - “Nerds like us” he told Michael. He spent a lot of time hanging around with them after school. He would invite Michael sometimes, but he would always refuse, making up some sort of excuse about work, or needing to study. Jeremy never seemed that broken up about it.

As the distance started to grow between them, Michael started to panic inside of his head. He needed to create a reason for Jeremy to stay. So he started to research, always using incognito mode, ‘flirting tips’ or ‘how to be a good boyfriend’.

He grimaced as all of the results were about doing things ‘for her’. Some of the things they recommended he didn’t think he would ever be able to do. Some things he already did naturally, and that made him feel a little prideful. He took some notes on his phone and started to plan.

He gave himself something easy to start with. One of the articles said to help with chores. He already did that as it was, but he decided to take it up a notch and do an entire spring cleaning one weekend that he had free. He spent hours mopping the floors, dusting shelves, straightening books (after organizing them by size), and even tidying up the insides of drawers. He ended up ruining it, however, by yelling at Jeremy when he tracked his muddy shoes into the sparkling kitchen. He was supposed to make him happy, not feel bad. He resigned himself to do all of the chores around the house that he could from then on.

The next step was also something small. He waited at the table in the morning that day for Jeremy to join him for breakfast - which was extra extravagant today - a choice of pancakes with blueberries or chocolate chips, complete with a hefty side of assorted fresh fruit all cut up into ready to eat portions.

When Jeremy sat down with him he thanked Michael for cooking, as always, and Michael blurted out an awkward “Your hair looks good today.” He immediately wanted to punch himself in the face at how strange it had sounded. 

Jeremy looked at him with a blank expression.“But I haven’t even brushed it.” He took out his phone and looked at himself in the camera. He raised his eyebrows and adjusted his bangs a bit. “I guess it does look pretty cool. Thanks!” He smiled at Michael.

With a little more confidence due to the ‘success’ of the last attempt, he decided to do something a little more bold. He spent a long time researching different bouquets, trying to find one that might not be too weird to give to your friend out of the blue. He found a tutorial on how to make a bundle of carnations look like Kirby, and he decided that was the best chance.

Feeling foolish, he held the beautifully wrapped bouquet in his hands in the middle of the living room, pacing, waiting for Jeremy to come home. He started to get dizzy at the thought of giving it to him. What would he say? What would Jeremy think? Why did he decide to do this!? He quickly decided it was a bad idea, and needed to be abandoned as soon as possible. He stepped over to the trash. He hesitated. He had spent so long on this stupid Kirby face. And way too much money on the various surrounding flowers decorating it. He couldn’t bring himself to toss it.

When Jeremy came home, Michael was sitting on the couch, lounging and playing on his 3DS. He heard him toss his keys on the counter and kick off his shoes, and knew he wasn’t going to straighten them out next to Michael’s neatly placed ones. There was a quiet moment that raised Michael’s anxiety levels by 70%. 

“Hey Michael!” Jeremy greeted cheerfully. “What’s with the flowers?”

Michael peeked behind him at the kitchen table, where his bouquet was sitting in a makeshift vase of his largest bong. He acted as casual as he could. “Oh, that? Just saw it at the, uh, store and thought it was cool so I… got it. Yeah.” He looked back to his 3DS, pulling the neck of his sweater over his cheeks nervously.

Jeremy went up to it. “Wow. Is that Kirby? That’s so damn cool.”

“Mhm.” He hummed in response. He hid a smile as Jeremy snuggled next to him to peek at what he was playing, even daring to lean back into him comfortably. He felt Jeremy’s eyes on his face and glanced away from his screen in his direction. Jeremy was very close. 

His heart thumped in his chest as he saw Jeremy’s hand slowly reach towards his face. With a single finger he gently pulled the sweater down below his chin, exposing Michael’s warm cheeks and parted lips. “Fixed it” Jeremy said cheerfully, as if the whole world hadn’t just been moving in slow motion.

Michael felt the ghost of Jeremy’s touch for hours afterwards. 

He imagined an easier life. Where he could go up to Jeremy, put his arm over his shoulder, and kiss his cheek, whisper in his ear how sexy he looked with his tousled bedhead. He imagined watching Jeremy shiver and give him a taunting smirk. He imagined kissing that smirk senseless. And of placing a wrapped bouquet in Jeremy’s hands delicately, telling him “I saw it and thought of you” and not being terrified of what he’d think of that. 

He imagined Jeremy loving him back. He craved it. He started imagining more and more, losing himself in daydreams. Putting together perfect scenarios. They were perfect because it was Jeremy - not because Jeremy himself was a perfect person. He knew he wasn’t. In his imagined stories Jeremy was silly, and awkward, and would get angry at the tiniest of things. But he loved him all the more for it. 

He imagined their perfect date. A walk on the pier. Ice cream. An arcade. A fancy restaurant. Kissing on a ferris wheel.

On some random stroke of courage, he decided to take the real Jeremy out on that very same date. It went more or less the same, minus the hand holding and the kissing. They had a little fight over Michael treating them both to dinner, so he gave in on that one and let them split it. It would have been perfect, aside from the conversation material Jeremy had to offer.

Girls. He went on and on about a few of the girls in some of his classes. The funny things they say. How attractive they are. His attempts at awkwardly flirting with them. Michael played his part, acting supportive of his best friends love life. It gave him a bad taste in his mouth.

His imagination hurt less.

It was new years. Jeremy was at a college party - not the first one he had been to so far. Michael passed, but he told him to call him for a ride home when he was ready. He was watching TV, waiting for the countdown to start when he received a text.

Jer-Bear: Heyyyy Mikeyyyy guess wat

Michael waited 15 seconds before typing out his response so he wouldn’t seem desperate.

Jeremy sent a link to a youtube and 2 winky faces. He clicked on the link. It was a music video. It took Michael a few seconds to register exactly why Jeremy would send him this, but when he did, he felt a horrible shock run through his entire body. It was “I Just Had Sex” by The Lonely Island. He hurriedly closed the video and threw his phone down onto the couch beside him. Like it would fix anything. Like pretending he hadn't seen it would make it go away.

His breathing accelerated. He stared at the TV trying to distract himself, but he was starting to feel dizzy. You can’t freak out about this, Michael. He told himself. He’s not interested in you, you weren’t going to get his first time. You aren’t going to get any of his times, because you’re never going to have him.

He put his hands around his stomach and bent over, staring at his feet. He was shaking. His head was spinning. His eyes blurred with tears. He heard the countdown start. 

“10” He’s probably going to kiss someone at midnight.

“9” And it won’t be you.

“8” It’ll never be you.

“7” He just slept with some girl and lost his virginity.

“6” And you are probably going to be alone for the rest of your life.

“5” Any day now he could leave you forever.

“4” He wouldn’t even care if you disappeared.

He heard his phone buzz. He uncurled his arms from himself and grabbed for the phone. It was another message from Jeremy.

Jer-Bear: Don’t wait up for that ride tonight ;);););)

The cheers for the new year were drowned out by Michael’s heavy sobs - mournful, desperate, and pathetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this ended so sad?? I promise this story has a really happy ending.


	6. Soulmates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy confides in Michael about what happened at the party.

KornKing3000: That really, really sucks man. I’m sorry

Michael appreciated how Korn showed his sincerity by using proper grammar and punctuation. He had sent him a page long rant about Jeremy without warning, explaining what Jeremy had told him just hours ago. He saw Korn typing another message.

KornKing3000: also happy new year i guess

It almost made him laugh. Through the reflection in his monitor he could see how disgusting he looked. He stared at his messy, damaged appearance with a smouldering hatred that had just started to calm down from his earlier panic attack. He wiped his running nose on his sleeve and upped the brightness on his computer, trying to drown out the reflection.

WakaWaka: i guess. i don’t know, i’m sorry for ranting  
WakaWaka: im just so stupidly jealous.  
KornKing3000: no, thats a pretty realistic reaction for a dude youve liked for like 5 years  
WakaWaka: 9  
KornKing3000: yikes  
KornKing3000: ...so what r u gonna do now? act like normal?  
WakaWaka: i think i’ve been ‘acting normal’ for the entirety of those 9 years. i’m seriously tired. i guess i had time to chill out and not be focused on jer when we didn’t live together, but its more of a constant struggle here. not that i want to leave though. i think  
KornKing3000: jeez dude this sounds like its really getting to you  
WakaWaka: all i can do is just delude myself as usual  
KornKing3000: what does that even mean

Michael blushed with shame, but his fingers started to type. He guessed he was in an honest mood today. Or maybe he just didn’t care anymore. He told Korn about his habit of drifting off into his own world, taking his real interactions with Jeremy and playing them out in his head as if they were actually together. Surprisingly, he didn’t joke around or make fun of him at all.

KornKing3000: Well, I mean, I’ve done that before too.  
WakaWaka: oh.  
KornKing3000: And if it helps you stay sane, well then… keep pretending.

At 3 in the morning Michael heard the front door open. He shut his laptop quickly and ran to his bed, throwing his covers over his head. Jeremy knocked on his door. He heard his muffled voice. “Michael?”

Michael didn’t dare respond. After a minute Jeremy gave up and went to his own room. He didn’t move for a long time.

He was terrified to see Jeremy again the next day. His phone had been off all night, and would remain off for the time being. The thought of getting another message about last night made him sick to his stomach. After getting absolutely no sleep, he left the apartment at 7 in the morning. He didn’t have any classes, and he didn’t have work until 5PM that day. But he couldn’t risk falling asleep at home and possibly bumping into him. He hid himself at a nearby Starbucks, nestling at a table in the corner of the cafe with a coffee and his DS.

It was a very, very long day.

He ended up creeping back into their place at 2AM. He hoped that Jeremy would have fallen asleep by now. As quietly as he could, he placed his shoes at the entranceway - noting that Jeremy had at least tried to put his own shoes in the right spot. He listened for any other sounds in the apartment. He heard nothing. He walked past the door to Jeremy’s room and saw that his light was off and relaxed. But when he came to his own door, he saw there was a faint red light flooding into the hallway from inside. 

He swallowed. It was suddenly difficult to breathe. He must have just left his lava lamp on before he left... No - he never had it on in the first place. But just as quickly as his terror had begun to rise, it suddenly started to slowly trickle away. It was like someone had just pulled the plug on his source of energy, and he couldn’t even bring himself to care anymore. All that was left was a dull anger. He opened the door.

Jeremy was lying on Michael's bed in his pyjamas, headphones in, reading something on his phone. As soon as the door opened he shot up, pulling the earbuds from his ears and looking at him with a happy and relieved expression. “Michael! You’re finally home! Did you not get my messages?”

Michael shrugged off his bag and removed his sweater, placing it on his desk chair. “Yeah, sorry. I was busy at work.”

“I thought you got off at 10 today.”

“Yeah.” Michael muttered back. He stood at the edge of the bed and waited for Jeremy to scooch over enough to give him room. He laid himself down gently on his back, put his hands together, and stared at the ceiling. Jeremy lied on his side with his hand resting on his face. He was staring straight at Michael with a pondering expression. They were not touching.

Michael spoke. “Nightmares again tonight?” It was a robotic tone. Jeremy shook his head softly.

“No. I wanted to talk to you about something… Can I?”

No, he felt himself want to say. He felt too angry to want to listen to Jeremy’s problems. He felt bitter and tired. And he couldn’t help but feel like his own problems were being brushed aside. He knew he didn’t have a right to think that. The frustration was building in his chest like a large winding knot. He always hid all of his problems, sweeping them under a rug, away from anyone who could possibly see or care. And if he didn’t love Jeremy the way he did maybe none of this would have been a problem. He hated when his feelings got in the way of their friendship.

Michael nodded, turning towards Jeremy and mirroring his position. 

Jeremy’s eyes looked at Michael intensely, but when he looked closer he could see that they were wavering with insecurity. “Do I look any different?” Jeremy asked. His breath caught in his throat. He did look different. But the difference wasn't so tangible that he could describe it. It wasn’t to do with Jeremy at all. Or even Michael. It was the distance that had grown between them that had distorted his view and made him look like someone else entirely. He didn’t think that he could recognize himself either. It was like he had been staring through a fragment of a stained glass window, clutching it to himself, and as it ripped itself away from him he was able to see all of the patterns and shapes that he couldn’t before. It scared him.

“...yeah.” the word left Michael’s lips, strained, barely above a whisper. His eyes were glossy, like he was looking at a long lost memory.

The tone of his voice seemed to worry Jeremy. “Are you alright?” He asked him as he reached up to touch the hair that was falling in front of Michael’s eyes. He stopped him with his own hand, gently setting it back down on the bed and separating from him.

“I’m just tired.” Tired of all of the heavy feelings, the pain, the doubt, and the anxiety.

Jeremy shifted, uncomfortable, wanting to fidget with something. His hand found a stray thread in the corner of the pillow he was lying on. “I feel different.” He said. “In a weird way. I- uh…” He was silent for a moment while he searched for what he wanted to say. “Would you believe me if I said I didn’t actually enjoy it that much?” He looked down.

His statement surprised Michael, bringing him out of his apathetic haze a tiny bit. “You didn’t? Your texts made it sound like you did.” He did feel doubt creep into his mind at the notion that a boy as sex-obsessed as him wouldn’t have been anything but pleased.

Jeremy shook his head. “I mean, she was really pretty - her name is Rachel, she’s one of my classmate’s friends. Shes nice. I don’t really know her very well. It was kind of her who started it.” He rubbed his nose. “But it was actually kind of… disappointing? N-not like it was bad sex, it was pretty ok I think? Um…” He got even more nervous, stumbling over words and losing himself in his ramblings.

“It’s kind of silly, but I actually got really… upset… afterwards. Like I had just wasted something.” His hands trembled. “I feel like I should have enjoyed it so much more but it all just felt messy and… frivolous. Not special. I think it’s because I didn’t love her. Is that stupid?” He flickered his eyes back to Michael, who looked stunned.

Realizing he needed to say something, Michael opened his mouth and just let words tumble out. “O-of course it’s not stupid. I- I honestly didn’t think you would be that type of person. Not that that’s a bad thing. I’m… I’m sorry that you felt like that, Jeremy.” Jeremy seemed to want him to continue, so he just let himself ramble about whatever came to his head. “Sex is ‘making love’ right? So it’s completely valid for you to want to do it with someone special to you.” He tried his best to make Jeremy feel better. 

Jeremy’s fidgety hand works his way to the cuff of Michael’s t-shirt. “I’m just kind of embarrassed. Because dudes are supposed to be all like sex-crazy playboys and I’m just-”

“Don’t be silly, they are totally not!” Michael laughs, and it feels like a light flickering in his chest that has been off for days. He tugs Jeremy closer to him, and he happily snuggles into his chest. They stay like that for a while before either of them speaks again.

“Have you ever been in love, Michael?”

The word left his lips peacefully. “Yes.”

Jeremy pulled away from Michael, clearly not expecting that answer. “Really? With who?” He asked with innocent curiosity. A dull ache throbbed in his chest, wishing he just knew, that he could see the signs, and take the words locked in Michael’s cowardly heart.

“Y-” He took an extended pause. “You don’t need to know. I don’t think anyone ever will.” Besides Korn. He didn’t count him. The look on his face seemed to dissuade Jeremy from asking about it further. But just in case, he distracted Jeremy with a question.

“Why do you ask?”

Jeremy nuzzled back into his chest. “How does it feel?”

Michael sighed and he slowly ran his hand up and down Jeremy’s arm idly. “Exciting. Terrifying. It’s kind of all over the place. They make you feel happy and whole, like there’s a part of you missing when they aren’t there.” He squeezed Jeremy’s upper arm. “They have this power over you, they can flip your entire world around in a second. With just one look. Or a passing touch.” His fingers brushed against Jeremy’s face as he tenderly tucked his hair behind his ear. Jeremy had a wondrous expression on his face. Michael’s gaze was drawn to his lips, thin and pale, and he almost did something inexcusable. His body seemed twitch as he stopped himself from leaning forward. His eyes were half lidded. A distraction was needed. 

Michael reached his hands down and grabbed Jeremy’s sides, making him yelp. He started to tickle him mercilessly, causing Jeremy to laugh and squirm in an attempt to escape. He managed to pry out of Michael’s grip by reaching up towards his exposed armpits, instantly making him recline and freeze up. They tossed each other around and wrestled until they both clumsily fell off of the tiny bed.

Michael groaned at his sore hip, throbbing from the impact. Jeremy let out a few more tired laughs, and curled up with his neck resting on Michael’s outstretched arm. “I think we’re soulmates.” Jeremy breathed out, staring at him. Michael jerked his head towards him, not believing what he had just heard. He saw Jeremy go beet red. “N-not in a gay way!”

“...What?” Michael’s head was dizzy.

“I mean that… I can tell you anything. I trust you with my life. You’re always there for me. And you always understand me, and know how to make me feel better. When I was upset, the only person I wanted to talk to was you. It’s like we’re on a different wavelength from other people. Like we’re special for each other. Does that make any sense?”

Michael gave him a confused smile. “I don’t know man, that sounds pretty gay.” His heart was beating a mile a minute. Jeremy grinned and shoved him playfully.

“Oh, shut up! I’m serious!”

Michael thought to himself over the chaos going on in his head. That sounded just like... love. But platonic, according to Jeremy. For a moment he wasn't sure whether to be excited or disappointed. Finally his mind settled on an answer.

“Yeah, yeah man I think so too.” He smiled and pulled his outstretched arm towards himself, capturing Jeremy's head and giving him a noogie. He’s my soulmate, he said to himself.

He’s mine.

The next morning, Michael turned on his phone. He was met with a barrage of texts that he had missed. His heart sank as he read them.

Jer-Bear: Don’t wait up for that ride tonight ;);););)  
Jer-Bear: Hey Michael.  
Jer-Bear: I didn’t send that text earlier, it was my friend, Rachel  
Jer-Bear: Are you still awake? I’d really really appreciate that ride.  
Jer-Bear: I’m not really having a good time.  
Jer-Bear: Michael?  
Jer-Bear: I tried to call and it went straight to voicemail. Your phone must be dead.  
Jer-Bear: I really wish you were here  
Jer-Bear: I’m hiding in the bathroom right now, haha. I’m feeling all nostalgic.  
Jer-Bear: Except instead of me being a dick and ignoring you, you’re the one being a dick and ignoring me.  
Jer-Bear: I’m sorry I didn’t mean that. You’re not a dick your phones just dead probably.  
Jer-Bear: Are you angry at me?  
Jer-Bear: I don’t know why but I feel like you are. Sorry.  
Jer-Bear: Whatever I did, I’m sorry. I really need you right now.  
Jer-Bear: I called a taxi. I’ll be home soon.

He turned over to look at Jeremy, fast asleep. “I’m so sorry” he whispered, and he stroked his face with his thumb. He flinched away when Jeremy took a sudden deep breath and stretched. He blinked his tired eyes open and smiled at Michael.

Bursting with love, he reached forward and wrapped his arms around him tightly. Jeremy made a surprised drowsy squeak before reciprocating the hug, clutching at the back of Michael’s shirt.

“I’m here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus:
> 
> Michael, drunk, talking to Korn over skype: “He keeps saying all of these things that are really not things you say platonically to your bros, and being all ‘no homo’ about it. ‘Play with my hair, Mikey! Your my soulmate, Mikey!’ Pretty soon he’s going to be all ‘gimme a bj, Mikey - no homo tho!’ and you know what!! I’ll do it!! I’ll fucking do it."


	7. Bonus: The New Years Party - Jeremy's Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BONUS CHAPTER: Jeremy's experience at the party.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I wasn't able to get to the next chapter last night, but I didn't want to leave you guy's hanging. So I give you this little bonus. PLEASE be aware that there is more explicit sex in this chapter, and it is not pleasant. If you are sensitive to anything of that nature, you are encouraged to skip this chapter. Please know that Jeremy might have been uncomfortable but he was still fully consenting to what happened.

Jeremy stood in front of the mirror, adjusting his hair with a comb. He couldn’t decide which direction his bangs should go. “Michael!” he called, staring at his reflection with concern. “Does it look better to the left or to the right? Or maybe up? He nervously brushed his bangs over his eyes. Definitely not.

“Michael?” he whined. He glanced towards the bathroom door.

He heard the shuffling of feet and saw the door slowly creak open. Michael walked into the bathroom rubbing at his neck. Jeremy felt a little foolish in his fancy dress shirt and vest compared to Michael, who was in his sweatpants and an old band t-shirt that he wore strictly as a pajama shirt. Michael sat down on the fuzzy toilet seat cover they had bought as a joke when they moved in. Jeremy pretended he thought it was ugly but secretly he loved it. “Help me.” He pleaded, gesturing to his bangs.

“You are stressing way too hard over this. Just relax and wear your bangs like you usually do.” He said in a soothing tone. Jeremy turned back towards the mirror.

“I don’t remember what that is!”

Michael sighed and got up, gently brushing his bangs to one side. Michael always treated him like glass, like touching him too hard would cause him to shatter. He gave him a relieved smile as thanks.

He felt a lonely pang in his stomach. “Are you sure you’re not coming?” He tried pleading, trying not to sound too clingy.

“Not my scene.” Michael shook his head. He looked to the side for a moment before using one hand to adjust Jeremy’s vest. His hand lingered, thumb rubbing the material. “But, uh, call me for a ride when you want to come home. I’ll wait up for you. To make sure you come home safe.”

Appreciation bubbled up inside of Jeremy. “I will!” He responded cheerfully. He made a silly pose with his hand on his chin, smirking and putting on his ‘macho’ face. “So how do I look? Handsome? Dashing? Seductive?” Michael snorted.

“Yeah, all three. You’re all ready to go.”

Jeremy was nervous. This party was a really big deal - all of the cool people in his program were going to be there. Attending would solidify his place among them. He would be cool - in college! And not because of any stupid computerized torture device, but because he was… himself.

Michael drove him to the house that the party was being held at. Jeremy was sweating already, and the fact that he was sweating was making him sweat even more with the worry that he would embarrass himself by showing off some major pit stains, not to mention the smell - had he put on deodorant? He couldn’t remember. He lifted his arm a bit to sniff himself. He had, thank god.

“It’s gonna be ok, Jer.” He heard Michael comfort him. He saw the driveway of their destination, absolutely packed with cars, and a few students were gathered together outside smoking and chattering loudly.

A wave of panic washed over him. “I don’t know if I can do this.” He wavered, palms clammy, panic starting to seize his body. He felt Michael grab his hand. He took deep breaths.

Michael squeezed his hand tight. “It’s ok. You can do this. You’re going to go see your friends. It’s going to be a ton of nerdy fun. Ok, Jer?” He smiled, and it gave Jeremy a warm feeling inside. He nodded. With a determined smile, he got out of the car and entered the party.

A few hours and a few beers later, he found himself pinned against a stranger’s bed with a girl’s tongue in his mouth. He was surprised at how fast it had all moved along. He wasn’t sure where to put his hands, and he was starting to feel woozy - not entirely sure if it was from the booze or from a lack of air.

He noticed her hands starting to wander downwards, tracing down his stomach, until they roughly cupped his growing erection. He let out a startled yelp. His heart beat loudly in his chest as she started to unfasten his pants. Jeremy nearly jerked down his hand to stop her. He felt strange. He had never done this before, and he was a little bit scared. It was happening so fast.

His mind caught up to him and scooched back away from her slightly. “C-c-condom! I don’t have a condom!” He sputtered out. She stopped, surprised, and then laughed.

“Aww, what a good boy. Don’t worry, I’ve got some.” She winked, and pulled one out of the back pocket of her shorts. She looked at him with a fond expression that you would give a child who had done something endearing. 

“Now, then. Let’s continue…” She whispered in a seductive tone. Jeremy blushed as she brought her lips back to his.

Before he knew it, his pants and underpants had been discarded on the floor and she was pulling him up towards her. She put his hands on her sides, instructing him to take off her shirt. His hands shook as he did, and she laughed again in a teasing way. “You’re such a cute, nervous virgin.”

It made him feel so stupid.

She continued to lead him, placing his hands on her forcefully. He followed. She eased the condom onto him and he shivered at the foreign touch. She pulled him towards her, grabbing his wrist and directing his hand between her legs. He had never touched a girl like this before. It was warm and soft and wet and really, really weird. She smirked at him.

And then she pushed him back down on the bed, bringing her body on top of his and suddenly that warm and wet feeling was around him and it felt… good. Her back arched and her nails clawed at his clothed chest as she did all the work. He placed his hand on her hip and she moaned at the touch.

It didn’t feel right. This wasn’t right, his mind repeated, but he didn’t know why. It was so overwhelming. It was uncomfortable. But physically, it was good, and he couldn’t understand why the rest of him shouted ‘bad’.

He covered his mouth as he climaxed. She climbed off of him and stared at his face with lust. She pulled his hand away, kissing him, running her tongue over his lips. He trembled. A rush of emotions washed over him as she slumped down beside him and he found himself holding back tears.

He felt like he had just wasted something. He thought of the girl beside him. He didn’t know her that well. A friend of a friend. She was nice. He remembered she liked heavy metal. And she could sew. She had a really cute cat that she had shown him pictures of. Why had he slept with her?

He blinked away tears. Wasn’t sex supposed to be something special? Something two people did to show their love for each other? Then he remembered, no, stupid, people have sex for no reason all the time. People who barely know each other. And they do it because it’s fun. Because it’s supposed to be fun.

He hadn’t had fun. It was scary. It wasn’t her fault, though. She would have stopped if he told her to. He felt so, so stupid.

He sat up and searched for his phone, which he remembered had been in the pocket of his pants, which were now on the floor. He grimaced at the feeling of the condom around his penis. He clumsily took it off and tied the end, dropping it in a nearby trashcan.

He put his clothes back on, despite feeling sticky and gross. Phone in hand, he sat on the edge of the bed. Rachel sat up and crawled over behind him, looking over his shoulder.

“Whatcha doin?” she asked playfully, draping her arm over his shoulder.

He wanted to talk to Michael. He needed to. “T-texting my friend.”

She watched as he pulled up the texting window. “Mikey,” she read out loud. “Is that the roommate you always talk about with Lena?” 

“Y-yeah?” He was surprised she knew. She suddenly smiled and squinted her eyes, a knowing look.

“Ahaha, are you gonna brag to him that you just lost your v-card? Hey wait, I know the best way.” She took his phone from him and wrote up a short message, sending a link to a song Jeremy had heard before. The lyrics didn’t seem funny to him anymore. Michael didn’t respond.

“Is he asleep? He said he would give me a ride home, though.” 

She patted his back as he stared at the screen. “Hey, I think the countdown is starting. I’ll get dressed. We can have some more fun later.” She winked at him. Jeremy’s stomach twisted at the thought of that. He didn’t think so. “Hey, can I see your phone again?” She asked him with a smile, holding out her hand. He gave it to her, trusting, and got up from the bed. The room was starting to feel claustrophobic.

As the partygoers chanted the countdown to midnight, all Jeremy could think of was Michael. Michael. Michael.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. The next chapter is where the shit hits the fan - be forewarned.


	8. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael's thoughts grow toxic

It was the middle of February and there were snowflakes dusting the ground like a thin layer of icing sugar under Michael’s feet. He was leaning on a post near the entrance to Jeremy’s school, watching for his friends blue hat in the slow crowd of people leaving the building. He catches him with a keen eye - sees him grimace as the cold winter air hits him. Walking behind his line of sight, Michael silently approached him. As soon as he was close enough he clamped his arms around him from behind and lifted him up in the air, squeezing him tight. “Jer-Bear!!” He exclaimed as Jeremy shrieked in surprise.

“Jesus, Michael!” He gasped as Michael put him back down, stumbling forwards. “You scared the crap out of me!” Michael grinned and put his arm around Jeremy’s neck, pulling their cheeks together. 

“Are you happy to see me, soulmate?” He said in a gushy voice. Jeremy blushed and elbowed him in the side, but Michael didn’t let him go.

He grumbled “Stop making fun of me for that! I was emotional, okay!?” He pulled away from Michael’s chokehold. “What are you even doing here?” he asked, a poorly held back smile on his face.

“I came here to pick you up!” He said cheerfully. “And to give you a surprise~” He sung the word into the air, grabbing something that was hidden in the pocket of his sweater and holding it up for Jeremy to see

“A su-” He stopped mid word, immediately grabbing at the object in Michael’s hand. Michael extended it just out of Jeremy’s reach, and Jeremy stumbled against him, wide eyes glued to the game case. “Unlimited Zombie Hordes 3!!!!” He yelled. “I thought that wasn’t out until-”

Michael dodged Jeremy’s grabby hands with practised ease. “Came out today, hot off the shelf.” He tapped Jeremy on the forehead with the game, allowing him to take it from him. He looked over the case with wild eyes.

Jeremy looked up at Michael with a confused face. “I thought you said that this game was ‘pretentious and overdone’” Jeremy mocked.

“I still stand by that. It’s for you to play.” He walked with a smirk on his face. Jeremy started to offer to pay him back, but he shook his head. “Nah, dude. It’s a gift.”

“But- but for what?” Jeremy pondered. “My birthday was months ago.”

Because I love you. Because I love seeing you so happy. “Just because.” He said.

Ever since New Years, Michael had felt like he was on cloud nine. For the first time ever, he actually felt as if his love was reciprocated - in a strange, unexpected, convoluted way, but it was still… love. Their lives began to soothe into a happy rhythm and he felt the days go by faster and faster.

He spoiled Jeremy. He had always spoiled Jeremy in a way, doing all of the housework, and generally putting him before anything else in his life, but now it was even worse. But Michael loved it - coming home with small presents, like a slushie or possibly a cool shirt that he just couldn’t pass up. Sitting at the couch watching a movie while he idly massaged Jeremy’s feet or shoulders. Letting Jeremy pick the music that played in the car when they were driving around.

Everything was worth whatever little bit of extra effort he had to put in. Seeing Jeremy so excited and happy and relaxed and beautiful was all Michael wanted in life.

“It’s Valentine’s Day soon Michael!” Jeremy announced as he opened the door to Michael’s car. Michael choked a bit on the burger he had been in the middle of eating. Jeremy picked the McDonalds bag off of the passenger seat and peeked into it, immediately grinning and reaching for his chicken nuggets. 

Michael was aware of the approaching holiday. He had just been planning on ignoring it entirely like most years. Or possibly searching up geeky ideas for valentines cards and imagining how Jeremy would react to them. He was more looking forward to the discounted chocolate that came after. He put his half-eaten burger back in the bag and started up the car, wiping his greasy hand on his sweater.

Jeremy carefully opened a packet of ketchup and poured a small amount of sauce on a single nugget, trying his best not to spill it on himself or the seat. He shoved it in his mouth and spoke as he munched. “You have any plans?”

“No, who do you think I am?” Michael asked, confused. “What in the world would I have to do on Valentine’s day?” 

“What about that girl you like?”

He made a tired grimace. “Dude, I already told you, let that go? It’s not a thing, and I’d never ask them out for a thing like that.” He heard a softly whispered curse and looked over briefly to see Jeremy wiping a large glob of ketchup off of the front of his shirt. He used one hand to reach into the bag and pass him a napkin.

“Why not?” Jeremy asked as he took it from him. “Don’t you still love them? Why can’t you-”

“Ha ha! Okay, this conversation is over. Why are you so interested in Valentine’s Day all of a sudden?” He tried his very best to shake away the prodding questions. They were making him nervous. Jeremy shrugged.

“I don’t know. I’ve never done anything on Valentines day. And because I’m not going to suddenly land a girlfriend in the span of 4 days, I won’t be doing anything this year either.” He gestured wildly, another nugget between his fingers. He deflated slightly. “I guess I just kind of feel left out.” 

The car was silent for a moment before Jeremy turned and noticed that Michael was staring at him out of the corner of his eye.

“...What?” he asked with a little bit of worry in his voice. Michael turned his attention back to the road.

“Nothing.” He answered, his mind already putting together a plan. He smiled to himself.

When the day came around, Michael acted normal, relaxing together with Jeremy, playing video games - what they usually did on a day off together. When it came to the later afternoon, he casually suggested they order chinese food, and had Jeremy go out to the place down the road that they usually went to to pick it up.

20 minutes later he heard the doorknob jiggle, followed by loud knocking. “Michael!” He heard Jeremy from the other side. “Why did you lock the door? Open up, this stuff is heavy~” He whined. Michael opened the door slightly so his face could poke out. Jeremy craned his neck toward him, arms full of food. “Dude!”

Michael smiled. “Do come in, good sir!” He said in some sort of faux fancy accent as he opened the door wide and gestured into the room. Jeremy looked at his tuxedo shirt first with a perplexed look on his face. And then he looked into the room and his eyes froze on the kitchen table. It was set up all proper, with plates sitting on top of chargers, multiple types of cutlery positioned around them, and even their fanciest glasses (matching Portal-themed orange and blue cups). The big show stopper was the sizeable bouquet of roses positioned in the center, sitting in that same bong-vase that they always used. Michael had even sprinkled some petals around the table for extra flair.

Slowly walking into the room, Jeremy looked like he was struggling to compute the information. “Wh-what’s all this?” He finally said, staring at the flowers. Michael went up to him and took the heavy bags that he was gripping.

“Well,” Michael grunted as he placed them on the counter. “You said that you felt left out that you couldn’t celebrate valentine’s day, so…” He leaned against the counter and grinned. “I made it a little special for you.”

Jeremy flushed, putting his hands on the side of his face to hide his embarrassment. “I- you-” He turned his head a bit to the side to hide it, but Michael saw that he was trying to hold back a smile. “Why are you so sweet?” He accused, glaring at him.

Michael held up one of the containers. “Shall we eat?”

After dinner they sat down on the couch and watched movies by candlelight. (“Candles too?” Jeremy had laughed. Michael gave him a thumbs up. “Weed scented.”)

Michael realized that if he could just stay like this, he’d be satisfied. He didn’t need kissing or sex. Just Jeremy by his side, forever.

“I’ve been thinking of getting us matching rings… do you think that’s too much?” Michael was at his desk, head resting on his hand, gazing at his screen with heart-eyes.

“Jesus Christ, Michael.” Korn replied with an exasperated tone. 

He quickly copy-pasted a link in the chat. “I found these online. Player 1 and Player 2. Isn’t that perfect?” He sighed.

“You can’t even hand him flowers, how are you going to ‘platonically’ propose to him?” He heard him snark back. Michael’s stomach churned with anxiety at the idea of actually giving it to him.

“Oh God, you’re right. But I mean… I think he’d be okay with it. Besides,” He smirked, leaning back in his chair and picking idly at his fingers. “It might make people think he’s taken.”

There was silence on the other end of the call. “He’s not though.” Korn finally spoke sternly.

“He sorta is.”

“No, he’s not.” He emphasized, making Michael pout. “Are you really planning on monopolizing him forever?” 

A simmering guilt crept up Michael’s back, but he quickly shook it off. He looked away from the computer and crossed his arms. He didn’t like this conversation. “I mean, he has basically promised to stay with me forever. He said that he needs me. So yeah, that is the plan.” He knew that his reasoning was flimsy. “I mean, he hasn’t had a serious relationship besides ours in his entire life. I think my chances are the best.”

“You guys aren’t in a relationship, Michael.”

“Yo, dude, stop, I know!” he snapped at the monitor. “Just give it a rest, I know what I’m doing.” The conversation fell after that, and he felt awkward. But he didn’t want to apologize when Korn was the one being a dick about it. He heard a noise on the other end of the call. It sounded like a door opening.

A woman’s voice called out distantly. “Cornelius, honey? You’re friend is downstairs.”

“Anyway, I gotta go.” Korn said abruptly. “Good luck with your fake marriage.” He hung up before Michael could reply. The hastiness of his disconnect and the way Korn had grumbled his words made him worry that he was actually mad at him. He’d consider apologising later.

Soon he found something entirely new to worry about. It was a lazy dinner night, like most nights, and Jeremy and him were sitting at the kitchen table munching on a thrown together meal of chicken burgers with no buns (because they were out of buns and couldn’t be bothered to walk to the convenience store to get any) and microwaved canned soup. It was college.

Jeremy’s eyes lit up at something on his phone. He chewed obnoxiously with his mouth open. “Hey, Jake just sent me a message!”

Michael’s eyebrows raised in confusion. “Jake Dillinger?” Jeremy nodded, swallowing. “What does he want?” He stared as Jeremy read what was on his phone.

“They’re planning a get together for our old squad!” Michael twitched at the word ‘squad’. He didn’t know if Jeremy was including him in that grouping, but if he was he would want to correct him. He never got close with any of them - preferring to stay away from their fake-sounding kindness and insincerity. Jeremy had kept in touch with most of them after graduation, namely Rich and Christine, but neither of them had actually seen anyone in a while.

He kept silent. Jeremy typed out a message quickly and hit send, smiling at Michael. “I told him we’re in!” He groaned internally. He hated parties. He hated people. 

“Do I have to?” He mumbled to Jeremy in a whine, focusing down on his soup as he lazily stirred it as opposed to eating it. It was kind of gross, but it was cheap. The look Jeremy gave him made him shrink back like he was going to be scolded.

Jeremy sighed. “Michael, you never come to anything!”

“Yeah, because I don’t like going to parties, and I won’t ever, so-”

“Come on, Michael!” He urged, reaching across the table to tug at his sleeve. The gesture made him happy, but the conversation did not. “It’s just going to be the 7 of us. You know everyone there. They all want to see you!” Michael doubted that. They barely even knew him. They just pretended they did. The only person who truly understood and cared about him was Jeremy. “Please?”

He turned to look Jeremy in the eye. He was pleading earnestly. He could tell he really, sincerely wanted him there. Michael cherished that feeling inside of him and he cheered up just a bit. He touched the hand that was tugging on his sleeve and he began lightly running his finger along Jeremy’s palm. They both stared at their hands. “When is it?” Michael asked after some contemplation. 

“Still figuring that out. Gonna see what’s best for everyone.” Something in Jeremy’s voice made him sound far away, off in his own head. Jeremy’s hand closed around his finger and he held it for a moment. “Hey, can we sit down on the couch?” He asked.

Michael had a gentle, affectionate smile on his face. He knew that Jeremy wanted to be cuddled. He was happy to oblige.

Underhandedly, Michael grabbed a late shift on the day the party was scheduled. Jeremy was very upset, but made him promise to come by after he got off work. He said he’d think about it. He thought about it a lot. Every day the dread was sitting in the back of his mind. He wondered what would happen when Jeremy saw Christine again after all those years. Would he finally decide that he wanted to go out with her? A thought tickled at the back of his mind that made him doubtful of that, but he couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

In a bout of masochism, he decided to question Jeremy. “Why did you never end up dating Christine in high school?” Jeremy looked at him like he was a moron. “What?”

“You don’t remember? She came out as aromantic in senior year.” Ah. So that’s what it was that Michael was thinking of. A bit of stress dropped off of his shoulders. At least she won’t be a problem. Jeremy looked contemplative as he gathered the whites out of the clothes dryer. “I’ve actually been talking to her about that recently.”

“Really?” Michael asked him, wanting him to continue. They started walking back to the elevators.

Jeremy held the bag of warm clothes in front of him with both of his hands. “I’ve been doing research. I’ve been wondering if maybe my problem with sex was because I’m asexual.” Michael’s eyes widened. “I’m still not sure. I mean, it’s way too early to say. I’ll probably like it if it’s with someone special. Maybe I’m demisexual. Or maybe I’m just straight and I just haven’t met the right person. It’s not like being sex repulsed makes you ace. Or the opposite, it’s not like enjoying sex makes you not ace.” Michael listened closely as he rambled. He could tell Jeremy had put a lot of thought into this already.

Feeling brave, Michael threw in his two-cents. “Or maybe you’re gay and you’d feel better if it was a dude.” Jeremy brushed off the question easily, without needing to think about it.

“Nah. I’ve never gotten turned on by a guy before so that’s not it.” Michael was momentarily disappointed, but then he reminded himself that he wasn’t going to ever get in Jeremy’s pants anyway, so it didn’t really matter.

On the day of the party, Michael felt sick to his stomach. He contemplated calling in sick to work but then realized it was his only excuse not to go, so he forced himself up. He didn’t even know exactly why he was so anxious. But the thought of Jeremy cheerfully hanging out with people other than him had always made him grossly jealous, and all of his insecurities from high school were starting to surface again. He was moping in the break room halfway through his shift when his phone buzzed with a skype call from Jeremy. Confused, he plugged his headphones into the jack and answered the call with audio only. Immediately, a pixelated video feed of a bunch of familiar faces popped up on the screen. 

“Hey Michael! Everyone say hi!” Jeremy announced. A chorus of voices all sung out some semblance of “Hello Michael!” He thought he heard one of them shout “Mikester!” and knew that must have been Rich. Not wanting to be rude, he reluctantly turned on his own video camera. It was a bit dark and he winced when he saw his own face, but he decided to just deal with it.

“We’re all at Denny’s right now.” Jeremy tilted the camera at himself, and Michael could see that he was squished between Jake and Brooke. “We’ll be heading to Chloe’s place later, so make sure you come after you get off work okay?”

“Yeah, ok.” Michael replied obediently, putting on a weak smile for the camera. He felt so awkward. 

The phone jostled in Jeremy’s clumsy hands. “Here,” He saw that Jeremy was passing it over to someone across the table. “Everyone wants to talk to you!” They all greeted him individually, passing the phone around to each other. It mostly consisted of vague how are you’s and telling him to make sure he came by later. He was dulled by their impersonal attempts at being social with him. But he played along politely. It was a game he was used to.

When Chloe had the phone, she turned the camera towards Brooke, holding it for her so she could say her greeting. She was sitting so close to Jeremy, pressed right up to him, arm intertwined with his, shooting glances - she was very obviously flirting with him and it made Michael furious. What made it worse was Jeremy’s reaction to all of it. He was… completely into it. His face was flushed and he was staring right into her eyes. He realized that Chloe was probably showing him this completely on purpose and he felt attacked.

“Alright, lovebirds - Brooke, say hi to Michael.” He heard her voice from behind the camera. The two pulled apart from each other at her words. Jeremy looked giddy and embarrassed. 

Brooke waved at the camera with a sweet smile on her face. “Hi Mikey!” He didn’t like her calling him that. “We have so much to catch up on! Jeremy misses you so make sure you come by later okay? He’ll be super sad if you don’t.” 

Jeremy blushed and waved his arms around in protest. “Brooke!” He cried out. Michael knew that without her telling him. 

He had seen enough. “Yeah, I gotta go back to work. See you later.” He said coldly before he abruptly ended the call. In the silence, his anxiety only worsened. He remembered that Jeremy and Brooke had dated briefly under the squip’s influence. Oh god. It was happening. He was finally going to get a girlfriend. They would have to stop cuddling. He would start spending less and less time with him. He would move out. He would get married. He would have kids. He would move on and be happy with his life without Michael in it. He wouldn’t need him anymore.

His mind raced and his whole body shook, but he couldn’t have a panic attack here, at work. With trembling hands he put on a playlist of distracting music that he had saved on his phone. He put his hands over his headphones to ground himself, and took slow, deep breaths.

He came back late from his break, but he was at least calmed down. The shift went by so painfully slow. At 10PM sharp he was already on his way out the door. He ran to his car and quickly brought up Chloe’s address for directions, cursing himself for not going to the party with Jeremy in the first place. Maybe he could have distracted him? Kept him away from Brooke? Shown them that Jeremy belonged to him?

Did Jeremy belong to him?

He knocked on the door. The person who opened it was Christine. She looked at Michael with knowing, pitiful eyes. “Oh, Michael... Jeremy left.” He stood still, breathing halted. “With Brooke.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I keep teasing you guys, but this chapter was getting so long that the climax will have to be in the next chapter. Please have patience! I love you all.


	9. Overflow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Michael hits his breaking point.

He couldn’t let this happen, he needed Jeremy. He needed him.

He wasn’t thinking straight. What did he think he was going to do? As he drove his mind thought of everything and nothing at the same time. He buzzed with a constant panic that made his movements rigid and jerky, the loud heartbeat in his ears disorienting him. When he arrived at the apartment, he parked hastily and didn’t even bother locking the car. The ride up the elevator was the longest in his life. He was sweating. He yelled at himself in his mind - What am I gonna do, just walk in on them making out, like what will I say? What the fuck am I doing?!

But still he approached the door, hesitating for only a second before pulling it open, unlocked, and calling out, “Jerem-” He went silent as he came face to face with Brooke. She had been walking through the kitchen, holding a glass in her hand. She was shirtless. She jolted in shock as Michael entered the apartment, covering her bra with her arms. She blushed, embarrassed.

“Michael! I thought you’d be at the party-”

Rage burst out of him in the form of words and he smiled viciously. “Oh my God! I always knew you were a slut!” Her awkward smile dropped and she looked at him with a shocked fear. “Did you wait even five minutes of seeing him before you were begging to ride his dick?” His voice had an unfamiliar snark in it and it surprised even himself. 

“W-what-?” She said in a wavering voice. She was shrinking in on herself with every one of his words. 

“Just stay the fuck away from Jeremy, okay?” He snarled. “And kindly get the fuck out of our apartment.” She shook. He was hurting her. He wanted to be hurtful because she was hurting him and it was unbearable. 

He looked her over with disgust and stormed towards Jeremy’s room. “Wait, Michael, Jeremy is-” Brooke followed behind him nervously. He roughly pulled the door open and scanned the floor for Brooke’s shirt. There was an easy to spot flowery top next to the bed and he grabbed it and tossed it at her as she stood in the hallway. She flinched as it landed on her and the glass in her hand slipped and smashed on the ground.

Brooke burst into tears and ran. Michael took heavy, angry breaths and he turned around. He saw Jeremy sitting on the bed, wrapped in his blanket, shirtless body exposing numerous hickies along his neck. His eyes were locked directly onto Michael's. Jeremy was frozen with fear. Michael’s angry scowl immediately melted into a mirror of the same expression.

What have I done?

“M-Michael?” Jeremy quickly stumbled off of the bed and pushed past him, and he called out Brooke’s name before he heard the front door slam. Michael stood with his back to him, holding his head in his hands. There was a terrifying 5 seconds of silence before Jeremy said anything. “What… the… hell, Michael, what happened?” His voice rose in volume. “Why did you do that?! Brooke was- I- She was-” He wouldn’t look at him. He didn’t want to see what his face looked like right now. “What is wrong with you?” 

Oh God. Jeremy was furious with him. He messed up. He didn’t know how to fix this. He didn’t know what to say. He dropped his hands from his head and he felt a single, sad laugh escape from his lips. Then he frowned.

“There’s a lot wrong with me, Jer.”

He turned around, still looking down at the ground, but he flickered his eyes upwards to sneak a glance at Jeremy. He was staring at him, perplexed. Michael crossed his arms. He had a burning question in his mind, but he didn’t really want to know the answer. “So how was it? Was it everything you were hoping it would be?” His voice was bitter.

Jeremy’s face flushed and he opened his mouth to speak, but then he crumbled. His eyes were glossy and his lower lip trembled with sad frustration. “No, Michael. It wasn’t.” He snapped back, throwing his hand in the air in a flippant gesture. “We barely even got anywhere before I had to tell her to stop because I was-” He trailed off for a moment before stuttering out “f-freaking out.”

Michael felt brief relief, but his anger solidified when he reminded himself that this wouldn’t be the last time this would happen. “So you think trying to sleep with any random girl is going to help you?”

“What? No!”

Michael felt a lump in his throat. He would always feel this anxiety. He would always be scared and jealous and worried for the rest of their lives. And Jeremy would never notice. “Don’t you care how this makes me feel?” He felt his voice crack. It was one of the most honest things he had ever said to Jeremy about himself. A moment of weakness. He was both terrified of and longed for Jeremy’s response, to care about him, care for him.

Jeremy was taken aback. “How this makes you feel? What about me, I’m the one that’s-”

“Oh, shut up.” He growled. His face burned. “It’s always about you, Jeremy! Nothing ever gets to be about Michael, no one cares about Michael!” He mocked, waving his hands like a clown. 

“Why are you making this about you? Why are you even upset?”

Because I love you and you don’t get it, he wanted to shout. Because you can’t see what’s been right in front of you for the past 15 years. Because you won’t ever understand me, even though I know everything about you. Because you talk so much about wanting to find love when I’m right here waiting for it. Instead he said nothing.

Jeremy gave him a strange look for a moment, and then his eyes widened and his mouth dropped open. “Oh my god, Michael. I get it. I know why you’re so upset.” Michael went cold. “You’re in love with Brooke! Dude, I’m so sorry, if I had known I wouldn’t have-”

“Fuck. Off. Jeremy.” He had never been so angry and tired in his whole life. He felt all of his bottled up emotions threatening to burst out of him at once. “Why are you so stupid? I don’t fucking love Brooke. It should be completely goddamn obvious who I am in love with but it flies right over your head because you’re the most oblivious piece of shit I have ever met.” Jeremy opened his mouth to respond, but he quickly shouted. “Just shut up for once!”

He started to pace around in the tiny bedroom. “Do you know how many friends I have Jeremy? Besides you, I have one other friend. That's two friends. And one of them doesn’t even live in this country. Did you even notice that? I doubt you did because you don’t seem to notice a lot of things about me. Pretty big things, actually!”

Words were tumbling out of his mouth faster than he could process them himself. But he couldn’t stop. Something had broken inside of him, an overused, rusty limiter that had been capping off everything for so many years and had finally given out.

“You’re always off in your own head, thinking about yourself, talking about yourself and your problems and you’re shitty love life. Did you ever even think to wonder about mine? Have I ever talked about being interested in girls?” He realized what he had said and quickly added on “o-or anyone? No!”

“And even when I told you I was in love with someone, you didn’t really care! Even though I was hurting so much, you never noticed! You think you know me, but I don’t think you’ve ever understood anything about me. You’re just so oblivious, and selfish, and so fucking straight.” Michael covered his face with his hands. “You are the straightest fucking dude. And I know that because if you weren’t, if there was any hope, you would have noticed by now.” He felt like he was going to throw up. “You would have seen it, in all of the things I did for you - the nightmares, the presents, the flowers, the touching - you would have seen my f-feelings in them.”

It was over. Michael had said too much in the spur of the moment. There was no way he didn’t understand that. He slid his hands down his face and he looked up. Jeremy had the blankest look on his face, like he was still computing the information. “W-wait, Michael… are you s-saying... “ His entire face suddenly flushed beet red.

He felt dizzy. He began speaking in a hysterical tone. “Y-yep, that’s right Jeremy! Sorry to disappoint you, but your best friend has been hopelessly in love with you for over ten damn years!” He hated himself for making a beautiful feeling sound so vile, angry and bitter. Jeremy put his hand over his mouth, eyes open wide in shock. Michael knew he had ruined everything. “Doesn’t that gross you out, that- that every time we touched or-or cuddled I was getting so much more out of it than you? Secret’s out now! Michael’s a pervert that get’s a kick out of brushing Jeremy’s hair! FUCK, just SHUT UP Michael!” He yelled at himself, grabbing at his hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m disgusting, I’m so stupid. I love you so much and it hurts so fucking much. I just wish I could forget these feelings and just be your best friend but I can’t. I am so, so sorry.” Michael realized there were tears in his eyes. Jeremy said nothing. Absolutely nothing. He just stared down at the floor. Michael sobbed.

“I’m so, so, so sorry Jeremy.” He wailed, wiping the tears from his eyes as they poured endlessly. He rushed forward and shoved past Jeremy, kicking the shards of glass out of the way. He slammed his bedroom door and leaned against it, sliding down until he was on the floor, hugging his knees, and he cried.

Jeremy didn't come for him.

That morning he left a note on the door for Jeremy, grabbed his bags, and left.

‘I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’ll be back for the rest of my stuff later.’ - Michael

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a lot longer to get to this point than I thought! This is the halfway point. Starting next chapter, the perspective will be switching to Jeremy. Also I'm really sorry that it's just been straight angst for so many chapters? We'll get to a calmer point in the story soon.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading! Each person who comments owns my soul, I love you all.


	10. Jeremy Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy does a lot of thinking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a ton of fun writing this chapter! It's a long one, hope you enjoy!

Since the beginning, Michael had always been a constant in his life. Unwavering Michael. Confident Michael. He was so strong and sure of everything. He always seemed to know what to do or say and everything just seemed... easier for him.

Jeremy envied that confidence.

How he wouldn’t worry what everyone would think of him, he would just be himself and be proud of it. He wouldn’t spend hours in the bathroom, staring at the mirror criticizing himself over every little flaw. He wouldn’t fall asleep crying over how much he hated himself.

Sometimes, on bad days, that smile would seethe into Jeremy’s skin and burn and he would want to push Michael away, like it was judging him for being so weak and scared and stupid. But Michael would always stand by him patiently, hold him tenderly, and let him know that he wasn’t alone and that he never would be.

He could calm him down with just one look. A squeeze of his shoulder. A hand running through his hair. He didn’t know if he could live without that.

It was a night of bad mistakes. Taking chances and not thinking about the consequences or anything else but the growing hole inside of his chest. They were on his bed and he was holding her, kissing her. He had done it before. It was familiar and good. His heart was racing and he couldn’t tell if it was excitement or panic but there was something inside of his stomach stirring and it made him want to hurry, but also take his time and he couldn’t make up his mind.

She kissed his neck and it was gentle and nice but there was still something… wrong. A moan escaped his lips when she suckled his skin. He flushed with shameful embarrassment, biting his lip. His eyes were squeezed shut and his eyebrows furrowed as he willed himself to want this. 

His mind drifted to Michael. He wondered if he went to the party. Guilt swam in his chest when he thought of Michael’s reaction to him not being there, like he promised. But he needed this. He had felt so empty and broken since New Years and he saw a chance and he took it - Brooke was his friend. She could help him.

He was so used to relying on Michael for help. He felt so lost. But Michael couldn’t help him with this.

He realized he was thinking of Michael while a girl was undressing him and he felt even worse. She pulled away from his lips and she looked in his eyes. Her hand was tugging at the button on his pants. “Can I?” She asked, and Jeremy appreciated it. He was still scared but he nodded, and a chill ran up his spine when she touched the bare skin of his hips. She pulled his pants down and perched on top of him, brushing her hair out of her face as she leaned down to take him inside of her mouth. He felt so vulnerable. He wanted this pain to go away and he thought about Michael again, he needed him, he needed him, he wanted him to hold him tight and never let go.

He couldn't do it. He pushed her head back gently before she could touch him. She looked up at him with curious eyes and he wavered. “I- I’m sorry, I c- I can’t-” he hiccupped and tears began to fall from his eyes. 

“Jeremy!” She gasped and she pulled him up delicately. She immediately began to comfort him, telling him it was okay, they didn't have to. She held him and rubbed his back. It was nice but it wasn’t the same as when Michael did it. She wrapped a blanket around him and helped him put his pants back on properly. 

“M-Michael, I need Michael.” he sobbed out.

Brooke pulled away and looked at him. “Michael is probably at the party, do you want me to call him?” Jeremy nodded. “Okay. I’m going to go get you a drink first, alright?” She stroked his cheek before getting up. Jeremy felt so bad for pushing her away. She was being so nice to him and he didn’t deserve it. She was his friend and he really liked her but it still wasn’t right. He didn’t know how to make it right.

And then he heard the front door open, and then yelling. Michael burst into his room and Jeremy jumped, and his expression shocked him because he had never seen Michael so angry in his life. Brooke ran off crying. Jeremy was confused. He had no idea what happened. What had he said to her? He felt betrayed and angry because she had done nothing wrong, why would he do that?

They yelled at each other. Jeremy couldn’t remember the last time they had fought like this, it had been so long. Michael looked hurt but he didn’t understand why. It suddenly clicked inside of him. The person Michael was in love with. It had to be Brooke. That was the only explanation. He wished he had just told him, and he could have helped him instead of hurting him.

But then Michael exploded. He threw insults at him like he had never done before. He swore and the words pierced into Jeremy, it made him so hurt and angry. But Michael yelled at him to shut up so he listened.

And as he spoke it dawned on him how little he really knew him.

No, he didn’t know Michael didn’t have any friends. The concept perplexed him. Didn’t he hang out with anyone from school? He remembered being jealous whenever Michael would laugh and play games with his internet friend. He realized that he had never seen Michael with anyone else. It made him feel so bad for not noticing. He felt like a terrible friend.

He did know that Michael never talked about his love life. It had always bothered him. It was another part of his worry-free lifestyle that Jeremy never understood. Romance and girls and sex had always been on his mind, but Michael always seemed above it all.

But then his words sunk in and he found that he had never understood his friend less than at this moment.

It was him. Michael loved him. Romantically. And he had for so many years, and Jeremy had never noticed. Michael continued on hysterically, yelling, and then crying, but it all blurred in Jeremy’s head. He couldn’t wrap his head around it. How could Michael - perfect, confident, reliable, sweet, amazing Michael… love him?

How could anyone love him?

Jeremy did a lot of thinking that night. He felt horrible. He had no idea. Michael had been holding everything in for so long and he looked like he was in so much pain, he couldn’t believe he hadn’t noticed. He guessed Michael was good at hiding things. He wondered how many times he had been suffering and had just pushed it aside.

He had so many questions. Why? Since when? What made him decide that he was something that important to him?

He thought of all the signs that had just passed right over his head. Valentine’s day. New Years, telling Jeremy that he loved someone. He remembered his words, they had stuck in his head. Exciting. Terrifying. Happy and whole. They had a power over you. Michael really felt that about him? It made him lightheaded. And other little signs, like how he was always there for him. The nights that he would drop everything run to Jeremy’s house when he needed him most.

He didn’t deserve that love.

He must have given him so much false hope. He was embarrassed, thinking of how he would hang off Michael, curl up on him and use him as a pillow, falling asleep to his heartbeat. He must have felt so used.

But he didn’t like guys. He couldn’t picture being romantic with Michael. Kissing, holding hands, being cuddly and clingy, gushing to each other about their feelings. Jeremy realized they did some of that stuff already and cringed.

But. He was straight. And he just didn’t think of Michael that way. And not to even mention sex. The thought made him tense with stress. He couldn’t even handle getting a blowjob from a girl, let alone a guy.

He had no idea what to do. 

He woke up bleary eyed and sluggish late the next afternoon. His dreams had been stressful, and he had tossed and turned all night. He dreaded coming out of his room. What would he say? He felt like he would just hurt Michael even more. But eventually, his bladder forced him out of the room.

Slowly and quietly he cracked open his door. It was silent. He peeked around corners before going anywhere in the apartment. After finishing his business he crept to the kitchen. His stomach was complaining loudly at him, and he tossed some bread in the toaster. It was quiet. Michael must have gone out somewhere. He didn’t think he had work today. If he really had no friends, where did he go sometimes? What did he do? The fact that he didn’t know bothered him and made him feel like a horrible friend.

A sloppy peanut butter and jam sandwich in his hand, he sat down at the kitchen table. He finally saw it. A sticky note was pasted to the door. Immediately, he threw down the sandwich and jumped up from the table, skidding the chair against the ground. He ran up and grabbed the note, reading it intensely.

‘I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I’ll be back for the rest of my stuff later.’ - Michael

His hands shook. Oh no. Oh no no no, wait, no, Michael, he left? He can’t- he can’t leave, it was - It would all be okay and they were going to make up somehow and they’d go back to normal. He re-read the note a few times. The words ‘I can’t do this anymore’ rang in his head. They couldn’t go back to normal, could they? 

“No, no I have to do something.” He muttered to himself, running to grab his phone. He tried calling Michael. He called three times in a row and got no answer. Giving up, he searched through his phone contacts and found the number for Michael’s mom. She was surprised to hear from him, he had hardly talked to her at all in the past few years. He asked if Michael was home. She explained that Michael had sent her a message about coming home for a while, but she was on a business trip with his father out of town. 

He slumped down in the chair after he hung up. He should have just talked to him earlier. Stupid, cowardly Jeremy messing everything up again. He got up and walked over to Michael’s room. He would come in here sometimes when Michael wasn’t home and he was feeling down. It had the soothing aura of his best friend and would help him just that little bit more until he could cuddle up to Michael himself. 

The room felt weird now. Emptier. Which was strange because he didn’t actually see much missing from it. Michael must not have taken much at all. He didn’t even take his computer. The thought briefly cheered him up - maybe that meant he wasn’t planning on being gone for long! And then he thought again. Maybe it meant he was in such a rush to leave that he didn’t even grab his most prized possession.

He sat at Michael’s desk and logged on to the computer. He knew Michael’s password by heart - ‘knarlymarley.’ He had been using that password for everything since middle school. The desktop was a picture of the two of them together at a concert, a selfie with the band in the background. It was dark and low quality. Their cheeks were pressed together and they were both smiling like idiots. He wanted to cry.

He opened up skype and saw his two contacts. He clicked on KornKing3000 and started to type.

WakaWaka: Hello  
KornKing3000: oh. OH. finally decided to start talking to me again, huh? I would prefer a grovelling apology instead of just a lame ass ‘hello’ thank you very much.  
KornKing3000: bitch

Jeremy was taken aback. They were fighting? He had no idea.

WakaWaka: Sorry, this is Jeremy, actually. I wanted to talk to you about Michael?  
KornKing3000: What is this, some weird kind of roleplay?  
WakaWaka: No, I’m serious.  
WakaWaka: Nice to meet you, by the way.  
KornKing3000: ummmmmm why are you messaging me tho, wheres mike  
WakaWaka: Um  
WakaWaka: We had a fight  
WakaWaka: i guess  
KornKing3000: k so like what do u want

Jeremy took a breath.

WakaWaka: Did Michael tell you  
WakaWaka: about  
WakaWaka: his feelings  
WakaWaka: for me?

There was a pause, and Jeremy could see the 'KornKing3000 is typing' message popping up and disappearing multiple times.

KornKing3000: …..OH. mY GOD he toLF YouU?? ????? what hte fkck?? Holy sghut??? BITCH didnt tell me he was gonna do that i feel so betrayed??? After all of the shit he’s fuckin loaded on me he doesn’t even?? OH my fuCKIN GOD.

Korn’s excessive vulgarity made Jeremy slightly uncomfortable. 

WakaWaka: I don’t think he planned it.  
KornKing3000: Jeremy what did you say?????  
WakaWaka: Uh  
WakaWaka: Nothing?  
WakaWaka: Yet. I mean. I don’t like him like that… so… idk.  
KornKing3000: yuoU DONT?? What the shit you bithc ass dick head are you serious mr platonic soulmates fucker???

Jeremy blushed profusely.

WakaWaka: He told you about that!?  
KornKing3000: he has informed me of every single detail of his life all the way up to his birth, k?  
KornKing3000: except for whatever chaos has happened now???? fucking michael.

Jeremy’s hands hovered over the keys. He trembled. He was letting him down. He was hurting Michael. He was going to ruin everything between them. He wasn’t going to be able to fix it.

WakaWaka: I’m sorry.  
KornKing3000: why are you apologizing  
WakaWaka: Because I can’t reciprocate his feelings. And I’m going to hurt him even more than I already have by telling him that. If he even talks to me again.  
KornKing3000: Dude, as much as I want my bro to be happy, it’s not like you can do anything about how you feel or how you don’t feel about someone.  
KornKing3000: This guy’s been prepared for rejection from the start. He knew you wouldn’t dig him.  
KornKing3000: I feel bad too. I encouraged him a bit and probably got his hopes up. I hurt him too.  
KornKing3000: I think as long as you’re cool with staying his friend he’ll be ok. 

This guy was really nice, Jeremy thought to himself. He was glad Michael had a good friend. Because he knew he wasn’t.

WakaWaka: But what if I hurt him again?  
KornKing3000: That’s his decision I guess.  
WakaWaka: Thanks, KornKing  
KornKing3000: lol just korn is fine  
KornKing3000: tell michael to call me ok?  
WakaWaka: Ok.

He closed the computer and rubbed his face. He felt so lonely in the empty apartment, it was so quiet and cold. He got up and looked around the room a bit. Michael had taken his favourite sweater. Jeremy grabbed another one off of a hanger and pulled it on over himself before flopping onto the bed. It smelled like Michael.

The nightmares came that night. He couldn’t sleep at all. It was 4am and he had classes at 8. For a good hour he contemplated trying to call Michael, deciding against it for so many reasons. Like the doubt that he would answer at all. The guilt that he would wake him up. And worst of all, feeling like he was using Michael again and ignoring his pain.

After slugging through classes that day, he came home and he made a call to his father. “Dad? Can you- can you do me a favour? Can you go to Michael’s house to check on him? I wan’t to know if he’s okay.”

“If he’s okay?” His father replied with a worried tone. “What happened, Jeremy? Did you two have a fight?”

“Yeah. Yeah, we did.” His voice was strained with a lack of sleep and something else too. He promised to go check up on him when he could. He thought of Michael, alone, probably worrying that Jeremy hated him or something. Oh god, he could never hate Michael. He did so much for him and asked for nothing in return. Jeremy guessed he couldn’t give him the one thing that he wanted. He tried to sleep.

He didn’t.

Halfway between dreams and awareness, his phone buzzed him out of a daze. He answered it so fast, he didn’t even check who it was that was calling him. “Michael?!” He blurted out.

“Sorry, it’s just me.” His father replied with a soft chuckle to his voice. “I checked up on him for you though. He’s managing.” Jeremy didn’t respond, blinking, slightly delirious from being awake for so long. How long had it been now? Three, four days? “Are you okay?”

“No” He grunted out in a mopey voice. He curled in on himself. “Is Michael going to come back?”

“Well, he’s… planning on moving back home.”

“Oh.” He felt a heavy loneliness surround him. “I need to talk to him.” He whined.

Jeremy’s dad sighed. “I don’t think he’s ready to talk just yet, son.” 

He desperately needed sleep. He couldn’t walk properly without stumbling around. He had a thought. He fished into the top shelf of their pantry, pulling out a bottle of southern comfort. It had been a present from Michael’s mother for his birthday, and they would mix it into drinks sometimes for fun. Jeremy thought that was a weird gift to give to your kid. They weren’t really that into drinking.

He thought of the one time he got Michael really tipsy by adding too much. He was so giddy and clingy and he wouldn’t let go of Jeremy’s arm. It was cute. He didn’t have anything to mix it in, but regardless, he took out a shot glass and filled it. A few times. It was grossly sweet and it burned and he felt a headache come on fast but pretty soon he was drifting off on the couch, hugging himself tightly.

He woke up to the feeling of a blanket being draped over him. He blinked his eyes open and everything was blurry but he saw an unmistakable face above him. He shrank back when he saw that Jeremy was awake.

“Michael?” He croaked weakly. His eyes welled up with tears. “Michael!” He grasped at Michael’s shirt desperately, pulling him towards him and burying his face in his chest. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry…” He repeated desperately, words muffled by the fabric of his shirt. Michael put his arms around him and held him properly, squeezing him tight.

He sobbed even harder. “Michael, Michael, I’m sorry, I miss you, please don’t go, please stay, please, I’m so sorry, please…” He trailed off into sniffles and shaky breaths. Michael was quiet as he held him. And as Jeremy started to fall asleep again, comforted by his warm arms and familiar scent, he heard a whisper.

“I’m not going anywhere, Jer.”

Jeremy woke up alone. He recalled being held, crying, and he looked around the apartment in confusion. Was it all a dream? Or did Michael leave again… for good? He didn’t know which one was worse. It was dark outside. 

He was startled by the sound of the front door being pulled open. He felt a wave of pleasant relief as he saw Michael tapping his shoes on the front mat and slipping them off, a plastic bag in his hand. He was surprised to see Jeremy awake. 

“Hey, dude. I was just at the convenience store getting some stuff for dinner. How are you feeling?” His expression was soft and Jeremy felt so light and safe.

Words tumbled from his mouth as Michael put his things on the counter. “I thought you had left and- and weren’t coming back.”

Michael rubbed his neck. “Y-yeah. I was just coming back for more of my stuff actually.” He walked over to him and leaned on the arm of the couch. The look on his face was a mystery to Jeremy. He took his time studying it, realizing that he had never really paid attention to those subtleties before. The slight furrow of his brow. His tiny pout. His upturned eyes not quite looking at Jeremy, but he knew he was watching him. 

“Oh.” Jeremy looked down.

“I’m not anymore, though.” Jeremy’s head shot up and he looked at Michael with a sparkle of hope in his eyes. “Because you asked me to stay. I’ll stay. I…” Jeremy noticed his cheeks had a barely visible pink tint. “I thought you wouldn’t want me here anymore. I thought you’d… hate me.”

Jeremy jumped up from the couch, throwing the blanket at his feet. “I could never hate you, Mich-” he shouted right before tripping as he became tangled in the fabric and falling forward. Michael caught him before he could face plant into the floor. Michael’s hands twitched at his touch and he started to let him go as he balanced himself - but Jeremy wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in his chest. “I need you.” He mumbled, like a whine.

Michael ruffled his hair affectionately and sat them both back down on the couch. They stayed there for a while, appreciating each other’s company. It was Michael that broke the silence. “I’m sorry for being such an ass, Jeremy. It was… totally uncalled for.” Jeremy pulled away a bit to look at him. He didn’t understand why Michael was the one apologizing to him. He continued. “It wasn’t right of me to be so angry at you for not noticing how I felt when I had never even said anything in the first place.” Michael pulled away and rubbed his rose. “And I’m… really, really sorry for getting so unfairly jealous over Brooke, I-” He looked away and laughed. “It was like I had this idea in my head that you were mine, even though you didn’t actually have any commitment to me.”

He looked at Jeremy seriously and put his hands on his knees. “I was selfish and possessive. I’m sorry.”

It was like a weight was being lifted off of his shoulders that never even knew was there in the first place. He smiled. “Thanks, Mikey. I- um-” He looked down and picked at his fingers. “I’m sorry for being such a bad friend.”

“You’re not a bad friend. You’re my best friend.” He looked at him with that calming and gentle smile. “My expectations were just kind of messed up and it wasn’t realistic for me to want that of you.” Jeremy looked away, guilty. They were talking about it but they weren’t. They were dancing around it. They weren’t saying it.

Michael took a breath. “Jer? It’s ok. I know what your answer is. I’ve always known. But…” He clutched the front of his sweater in his hand. He was bracing himself. “Can you please… say it? I need to hear it, from you, so I can stop swimming around in my own mind.”

The tone of his voice was calm. But Jeremy could see that he was scared. He dreaded the words that were on his tongue. He knew they would hurt him. But he had to say them. 

“I… I don’t like you romantically, Michael.”

Michael grinned with relief and patted Jeremy on the shoulder. “Thanks buddy.” He got up from the couch and walked towards the kitchen, going through the bag he had brought home. He paused. “Oh, hey! I forgot to get us drinks. I’m gonna go head down to the vending machine, be right back.” He practically ran out the door.

Confused, Jeremy got up and walked to the counter, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He looked in the bag and saw two containers of sushi and two sodas. He turned to the door in panic. Oh no. He stumbled up and reached for the handle, freezing when he heard a muffled sob on the other side. He dropped his hand and went to sit back down on the couch. He pulled the blanket over his head.

Why was he so nice to him? Jeremy didn’t get it. He resolved that he needed to make it up to him somehow.

Things eased back to normal, mostly. After his heightened emotions had passed, he found himself a little more nervous about touching Michael. They sat on the couch one day, watching a movie. A bowl of popcorn sat in Michael’s lap that they shared. Their brushing hands would make Jeremy flinch. His mind obsessed over their proximity. What did Michael think about them being so close together? He wondered if he thought about kissing him. He kept thinking of how he could do it, at any moment. It gave him a weird feeling in his stomach.

It took him a few days to realize that that feeling wasn’t fear. It was excitement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally out of the major angst zone! What a breath of fresh air. I'm really excited for the rest of the story to progress. :) Thanks for sticking with this story. I love you all!


	11. Moving On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some things return to normal, while some things start to change.

It was a relaxing sunday morning. Michael was sitting at the kitchen table with staff paper in front of him, working on a composition for class. He hummed to himself quietly as he scribbled in the notes. Jeremy was behind him at the sink, doing the dishes for once in his life. He had forcibly sat Michael down and told him that he was going to do the chores today. He needed to make things up to him somehow, and this was as good a start as any.

The silence between them was peaceful. Jeremy drank in the calm moment, relieved that their fight was over and things were normal again. Mostly.

Jeremy spoke up. “I uh- I talked to your friend Korn while you were gone.”

Michael gave him a small ‘hmm’ noise in reply, tapping his pencil on the paper. Then he blinked and turned around. “Wait, what? Really? How?”

“I used your computer, sorry.” He felt his ears going red. “He’s really nice. He said he was angry at you though, and he wants you to call him.” Michael had a look of tired dread on his face.

“Ah shit.” He sighed. “I should send him a message.” He quickly pulled out his phone and Jeremy heard him tap out something short. Before he could even put his phone back down on the table it was ringing in his hand. Michael cringed. Slowly and hesitantly, he answered it.

Jeremy could hear Korn’s voice yelling over the phone. Michael immediately jerked it away from his ear.

“Listen here you punk, you think you can just drop off the face of the earth and leave me out of the loop like this?! Who do you think you are you shit?! You owe me a goddamn explanation - I want a detailed minute by minute report on what the FUCK happened between you and Jeremy!”

Michael winced at his broken eardrums as he slowly put the phone closer to him again. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Sorry man.” He gave Jeremy a look and started to walk off to his room to take the call privately. Michael listened for a moment to something too quiet for Jeremy to hear. “Yeah, I’m okay now. Thanks.” He heard him say before closing the door to his room.

Jeremy wished he could listen in. In the past few days since Michael had come back, he had developed this new hyper-fixation on him. He was always wondering what was on his mind. He analyzed almost everything he did.

Like how he had started to distance himself from Jeremy. Sitting those few extra inches away from him. Never initiating any sort of cuddles like they used to. Apologizing for accidentally brushing against him in the hallway. It made Jeremy feel sort of lonely.

He was still burning with unanswered questions. They had never really talked about what happened after that first night back. He wanted to. But it was probably a sensitive topic for Michael so he avoided it for a while.

Until one night that they spent together relaxing and playing their DS’s together and it was like old times again. After gaming they curled up together and just talked about life and school and memories. Jeremy was happy. And Michael was too. He felt like he could do it.

“Michael… can I ask you some stuff that’s been on my mind?” Jeremy asked, the two of them lying side by side facing each other in the dark. Michael had a relaxed smile on his face and his eyes were closed, but he wasn’t asleep.

“Always” Michael replied.

Jeremy blushed. He had said that before. It had made him feel so happy and safe, like he could trust Michael with anything. But for some reason, now the word felt different to him, sincere in a whole new way, with an entire new context and it made him nervous.

He thought for a moment before speaking. “Okay. F-first… Why didn’t you ever tell me that you were gay?”

Michael’s eyed widened and he blushed. He had such a tiny, subtle blush that Jeremy had never been able to catch before. But he could see it now and whenever he managed to get it to happen he got somewhat excited. Michael let out an amused, breathy laugh. “Ha, wow, goin’ right for it, huh? Well… I mean, for obvious reasons?”

“You didn’t think I would judge you, right? Because I-”

“No, no, I knew you wouldn’t care about something like that.” He quickly interrupted. “I was just… I thought that it would make it weird.”

“Make what weird?” Jeremy wondered.

Michael sniffled and cleared his throat. “The uh, the cuddling.” He shifted his body so he was on his back looking upwards. “I was planning on coming out after Rich did, because you seemed cool with him, but then… You started having those nightmares. And I got worried that you might not feel as comfortable around me anymore. And I didn’t want you to stop coming to me when you needed help, so I just… didn’t say anything.”

Jeremy felt touched, but sad. He had sacrificed his own comfort for Jeremy’s. Michael seemed to do that a lot. He picked at a stray fabric on the pillow. He needed something to fidget with or he would get nervous. “When did you realize it?”

“What, when I liked guys or you?” Michael questioned with a lighthearted tone. Jeremy bit his lip. “It was actually the same time for both of those, I guess.” A strange proud feeling glowed in his chest. He liked that for some reason. But he quickly squashed it down as a rude thing to feel, all things considered.

Michael smiled. “Do you remember my 10th birthday?” Jeremy searched his brain trying to recall the exact events of that one in particular. They had spent a lot of birthday’s together. He continued. “The one where my parents completely forgot about me and went out on one of their ‘trips’,” Michael put his hands up to sneer out quotations around the word. “Leaving me with a babysitter that never showed up?”

Oh. That one.

“I still don’t get how they never believed me.” He shook his head. “So, I hadn’t heard from you all day either, so I thought everyone had just completely forgot I existed.” He sat up a bit and turned back to Jeremy. “But then you showed up in the backyard, screaming at me through my bedroom window, ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICHAEL!!!’. I couldn’t believe it.” Michael laughed.

“Oh! I remember!” Jeremy grinned as well. “I was late because-” 

“Because you stayed up all night painstakingly making me my own personal Magic the Gathering card. And you never even let me use it-”

“Because every time you did you automatically kicked my butt!” He accused.

They laughed together, more than they had in weeks. Jeremy saw Michael’s face turn even redder and watched him rub the back of his neck shyly, looking into Jeremy’s eyes. “So… that’s when. When I saw you out that window.”

Jeremy felt so warm and giddy, he lost himself for a moment staring back at him. Michael’s eyes were full of so much affection and kindness. He couldn’t look away. Then Michael cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his own hair, breaking eye contact. It snapped Jeremy out of it and he blanched. What was that?

“Well, anyway I… Now that it’s all out in the open, I think I can finally try to move on.”

Jeremy froze. “Move on?” What? The phrase repeated in his head as he tried to grasp what exactly it meant. 

Michael looked at him seriously. “I know that it makes you uncomfortable. I can tell, even if you say it doesn’t.” He said as he held up his hand to stop Jeremy who was about to protest. “So, I’m gonna try maybe putting myself out there for the first time. Maybe I’ll meet someone and you won’t have to worry anymore.”

Jeremy’s mind raced. He had a weird sinking feeling in his stomach. “Like you’re gonna… try dating people?”

His face was determined as he nodded. “Yeah!”

This made him very uncomfortable. And what bothered him the most about it was that Michael made it seem like he was doing this not for himself but… for Jeremy. Which is why he got so worried when Michael announced nervously that he was going out to a gay bar one night.

Neither of them had ever been to one before. The idea of it felt weird and foreign to Jeremy. He didn’t like the atmosphere of clubs, and he knew for certain that Michael absolutely hated them. He would be completely out of his element there.

Michael hated crowds. And he didn’t like dancing, at least in public. He didn’t like booze and he didn’t have any experience flirting or getting to know people so Jeremy had no idea why he was doing this.

“Y-you don’t have to force yourself.” He muttered quietly as Michael stood at the door. Michael’s face briefly flashed with anxiety, but he corrected himself almost immediately with a relaxed smile. 

“I’ll be fine,” He said to him, grabbing his keys off of the side table near the door. “See you later, Jer.” Jeremy caught the fabric of his shirt as he pulled the door open, holding him back.

He looked down. “Call me if you need me.” He said in a soft, worried voice. Michael gave him a sad, touched expression.

“Thanks. I will.” And he closed the door behind him.

Jeremy went to sit down on the couch. He placed his phone directly in front of him on the coffee table and turned on the TV. As the show was playing he kept glancing down at the phone, barely paying any attention to what he was watching. He decided to turn down the volume just in case it would be too loud to hear his phone ring.

An hour passed with this anxiety plaguing his mind. He realized that he was starving, so he got himself up and walked to the kitchen. After a second he ran back to grab his phone and placed it on the counter close to him. He could never be too careful. He looked over the pantry for something he could manage.

Jeremy wasn’t the best cook. Michael definitely was, as Jeremy liked to brag to his friends occasionally, like when Michael made them both lunches to bring to school. At times like these where he was alone for dinner he was never really sure what to do. Michael had offered to teach him. He really should take him up on that, he thought to himself.

He imagined a scene where he was clumsily stirring something, getting whatever it was all over the place. Michael would come up behind him and press against him, holding his wrists, guiding him. He imagined the warmth of Michael’s body and the feel of his breath on his neck.

He nearly had a heart attack when he snapped out of his daze, drawn out by the sound of his pot of pasta boiling over. After dealing with it he sat back on the couch, trying to ignore whatever the hell he had just conjured up and… felt.

Long after he had finished eating he remembered. His phone. Oh god, what if he missed a call from Michael? He hadn’t looked at it in at least an hour and a half! He jumped up to retrieve it. As he made his way to the kitchen he tried to reassure himself that it wasn’t very likely. He was probably fine. He-

His stomach dropped when he saw that there was a missed call and a voicemail left on his phone from over an hour ago. Fumbling with the phone in his hand, he started to freak out. How had he not heard it?! He immediately listened to the message Michael had left.

“Jer, this…” He could hear faraway music. Michael’s voice was shaky. “You were right this was such a bad idea. God, what’s wrong with me? I’m sorry I’m such a failure. I can’t even - there’s just so many people here and it’s so loud, I…” There was a pause. “Shit, what am I doing?” He whined. “Sorry, Jer. Never mind.” He hung up.

He knew it. Jeremy immediately tried to call him back but no one answered him. He started to panic. “What do I do? What do I do?” He mumbled out loud to himself. He sat on the couch sweating and staring at his phone for a few minutes before trying to call again. No answer. Should he just wait? He had left that message so long ago. “What should I do? What would Michael do?”

He looked up, knowing exactly what the answer was. “He would… he would run to me.” Jeremy grabbed his jacket and dashed out the door, dialling for a taxi on his phone.

The club is loud and there’s a ton of people crowding around, dancing, cheering and yelling over each other to be heard. Jeremy felt intimidated. He had no idea where to look for Michael. The lights were dim and tinted blue, making it hard for him to see. He made his way to a brighter area - the bar. The bartender looked at him to take his order and Jeremy shook his head in an awkward no.

He didn’t see him there. His heart was beating loud and fast and the bass from the music was vibrating his body and it made him feel dizzy. Was Michael even here? Was this even the right place? He was sure this was where Michael told him he was going. He should have checked if his car was here.

He pulled out his phone and tried calling him again. He could barely hear the dial tone over all of the noise. Maybe that’s why Michael wasn’t answering? He needed to take a breather. He asked the bartender where the bathrooms were and was pointed across the room. With dread, he threaded through the crowd, knocking against people clumsily. He eventually found himself at the edge of the dance floor, entrance to the bathroom in view.

Standing outside of the door, leaning on the wall, was Michael.

He felt a rush of relief and started to walk towards him. As he pushed through the crowd of people he noticed him holding a drink with both hands to his chest, looking up, a giddy expression on his face.

He craned his neck to see what it was he was looking at. Then he saw him. A tall, slender young man with pale brown hair styled upwards elegantly stood over him. He was in stylish, expensive looking clothing. The way he was gazing at Michael made Jeremy’s heart jump in his chest. He was flirting with him. He could tell even without hearing what he was saying, from how he was looking from his eyes to his nose to his lips. And how close he was to him. Michael looked tipsy, he was grinning like a goof and he was clearly enjoying the attention. Jeremy started to panic.

He rushed up to them before he even knew what he was doing. “H-hey Michael, I got your mes-”

“Jer-Bear?!” Michael turned towards him and his smile grew wide with overwhelmingly happy surprise. He opened his arms and swung them around Jeremy’s neck, hugging him tight, and the drink in his hand sloshed a bit onto Jeremy’s back. He yelped at the cold, prying Michael off of him with a nervous look.

Michael gestured to the man he was with excitedly. “Jer-Bear this- this is Daniel. Daniel, this is my very best friend ever!” He grinned and hung onto Jeremy’s arm.

Daniel smiled at him and Jeremy nodded at him shyly. He looked at Michael. “I, uh, came to pick you up after I heard your message. Are you okay?”

“My message?” Michael looked down for a moment like he was confused. “Ohhhhh, oh.” He leaned into Jeremy, rubbing his face on his arm. “I’m sorry Jer-my. I was getting all whoahhh~” He made a circular motion around his head with his free hand. “But then, Daniel came into the bathroom and cheered me right up!” He looked over at him with that same giddy expression.

Daniel smiled back, and then turned to Jeremy. “He looked like he wasn’t doing so well. Not really used to a crowd like this, is he?” He laughed in a good natured way, with an easy going smile and his eyes shut gently.

It weirded Jeremy out.

“Um… uh, Michael, do you wanna go home still?” He tapped the arm that was clinging to him.

Michael pulled away. He looked like he was about to protest when Daniel interrupted. “Yeah, I think that’d be best. You should go home and rest up, alright?” He touched Michael’s arm. Jeremy had the urge to jerk Michael away from him and stand in front of him protectively.

Michael tugged on his collar and nervously smiled up at him. “O-okay. See you, then?”

“See you.” Daniel replied.

After neither of them moved for a few moments, just staring at each other, Jeremy pulled on Michael’s arm and tugged him away. He deposited Michael’s half empty glass at the bar and led them both out of the building. He got vague directions from Michael as to where he parked his car - luckily it wasn’t very hard to spot his PT Cruiser in the parking lot around back. He helped Michael into the passenger seat.

“How many drinks did you even have?” He asked him.

Michael thought for a moment as he fumbled with the seat belt. “Um… two maybe?”

“Jesus, you lightweight.” Jeremy scoffed.

Michael glared at him teasingly. “Like you’re any better.” He had a point.

He closed the door and just as he was about to get in the other side he heard someone call out to him. “Hey! Wait!” He saw Daniel running up to him and he jumped, spooked that he had followed them out here. “Jeremy, right?” He held something out to him. “Could you give this to Michael for me?” He placed it in his hand… a napkin? “Thanks!” He said as he began to walk back towards the club.

Jeremy looked down at the napkin in his hands and saw that it had a neatly written phone number on it. He hastily shoved it into his pocket, sweating, like it was some sort of illegal contraband. He quickly got into the driver’s seat. When he leaned back he felt the unpleasant wetness of the spilled drink pressing into his back and cringed. It had been a few weeks since he last had to drive Michael’s car. He fumbled around adjusting things until he was comfortable.

“Was that Daniel just now?” Michael asked, peering out the window. 

“Uhhh yeah.” Jeremy said quickly. Michael made a curious ‘hmmm’ noise in reply.

He leaned back in his seat, sighing contentedly. “He’s like… soooo nice Jer. Like waaah, soooo nice. He got me a drink and he, like, made sure I was okay, and, uhhh he was really cute? Wow.” He rambled. 

Jeremy swallowed. “Dude you shouldn’t accept drinks from strangers.”

“But he’s so nice, Jer! And so sweet…”

“Yeah, okay, I get it.” He snapped lightly. There was a few minutes of silence.

Michael piped up. “Hey Jer.” Jeremy made a sound to acknowledge that he was listening. “Does it bother you that a gay dude has seen your dick?”

Jeremy gripped the steering wheel. “W-what?!” he sputtered. “When have you seen my dick?!”

He grumbled, turning towards the window. “When we were like, 5.”

“Oh, jeez.” Jeremy sighed with relief. “No, I don’t care about that, Michael. You wouldn’t even remember what it looked like.”

“I dunno, small probably.”

Later, at the apartment, Michael went straight to the bathroom to hop in the shower, claiming he felt gross and sweaty. “Too many fucking people brushing against me.” He had mumbled, rubbing his face.

Sitting on the couch, Jeremy took the crumpled napkin out of his pocket. He had the urge to rip it up and hide it away. But… why would he want to do that? He curled up with his knees against his chest.

He felt creeped out by that guy. He didn’t want Michael anywhere near him. He hadn’t actually done anything bad, though. And he did seem pretty nice. Michael seemed… into him. And that guy seemed to be into Michael too, evidenced by the number in his hands.

His mind went back and forth. Rip it up. Give it to him. What if Michael found out that he hid it from him? Oh god. He’d be so angry. He might hate him. He could ruin Michael’s chances of moving on. Didn’t he want him to be happy? Didn’t he want him to stop hurting because of him?

Michael came out of the bathroom, already dressed in a fresh t-shirt and boxers. He never walked around the apartment in a towel, always making sure to bring a change of clothes into the bathroom with him. Thinking back, he didn’t think he had ever seen Michael shirtless. He even wore a shirt when they went swimming.

He was noticing so many new things about Michael. And the sad thing was they weren’t new things at all. Jeremy had just never bothered to pay attention.

Jeremy shoved the napkin back in his pocket. “F-feeling any better?” He felt like a criminal. Michael yawned.

“Yeah. Thanks for coming to pick me up, Jer.” He still looked a little foggy, but he was already past his tipsiness. He sat down beside Jeremy, a noticeable gap between them.

“Sorry I didn’t get your message sooner.”

Michael shrugged. “Hey, it’s cool. I was alright in the end.” He smiled a little to himself. Then his face suddenly dropped and he burst out. “Oh, shit!”

Jeremy blinked. “What?”

Michael gestured into the air. “I should have given him my number! Damn, that’s the whole reason I went to that stupid place and I forgot.” He sighed and slumped back. “What a waste of a night.”

Guilt crept up Jeremy’s spine. He reached into his pocket. “A-actually… he told me to give this to you…” He sheepishly handed over the napkin, crumbled and worn from Jeremy’s continual fiddling.

Michael looked from Jeremy to the napkin and back again. He turned it over and saw the numbers. He gasped and blushed excitedly. “Oh my god!” He smiled wide. “I did it!” He put his hand up for a high five from Jeremy. He smiled back awkwardly and weakly smacked his hand.

There was no going back now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new character is introduced! I have a feeling you guys aren't going to like him as much as Korn though. We are getting closer and closer to the conclusion... I hope you guys are ready!


	12. Tsunami

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was originally going to be much longer, but due to time as well as structure I decided to split it in two. The continuation will be released tomorrow.

It’s not long before Michael is going out on his first date.

Jeremy was sitting on Michael’s bed, forlorn, as he watched him digging in the back of his closet for something presentable. It bothered him. Michael never really owned anything fancy, always electing for things that were soft and comfortable, like large sweaters and sweatpants. The last time he had dressed up was for prom. With Jeremy.

Oh god, he had asked Michael to prom as a friend. He wondered how that had made him feel.

Michael’s voice brought him out of his thoughts. “I could have sworn I had brought at least something that wasn’t a stupid t-shirt when we moved-” he grunted as he shoved a box of CD’s out of his way. He was making a mess of his usually clean and organized closet. The date wasn’t for another two hours.

Dinner and a movie. How cliche, Jeremy grumbled internally. He tapped the back of his feet against the bed frame idly, knocking against the hollow wood. Michael jolted to the closet door with a terrified look on his face.

“W-was that him? Oh fuck! He’s early and I’m-”

Jeremy interrupted, crossing his legs on the bed. “No, sorry. It was just me…” He leaned his face on his hand and sighed. Michael relaxed and went back into the closet.

He would have offered some of his own clothes, but he didn’t think they would fit. “Just… wear something you usually wear. Why bother dressing up?” He spoke up, loud enough for Michael to hear him.

“Dude, you saw what he was wearing at the club. I think he’s loaded!” He shot a worried look at Jeremy as he was bending down on his knees, sifting through a box of out of season clothing. “I can’t show up looking like a slob!”

Jeremy didn’t think he looked like a slob. He thought he looked cozy. After Michael let out one more frustrated sigh, he went over to join him. He helped him put together a decent looking outfit of his black jeans and a plain white shirt - which Michael triple checked to see if there were any stains on it. When he still wasn’t satisfied, Jeremy went to his own room and grabbed something.

“Here,” He held out one of his oversized blue cardigans. “This’ll maybe look kinda cool.” Michael looked at him curiously and took it, feeling the fabric between his fingers for a few seconds before trying it on. It looked… really nice actually. Jeremy was impressed with himself. He found it hard to look away.

“Thanks, Jer.” He said quietly, putting his hands in the pockets of the sweater. Jeremy smiled, but he wasn’t sure it was very convincing.

As the hour approached for him to be picked up, Jeremy felt a growing dread in the pit of his stomach. He didn’t want to see that guy again. He quickly grabbed his things and told Michael he was going out. 

Michael looked shocked, and a little nervous. “O-oh, okay?” He said as Jeremy tapped his shoes on. “Wish me luck.”

Jeremy bit his lip. “Mhm.” He hummed, and he closed the door behind him.

He really needed to talk to someone about what was going on in his head. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through the contacts, looking for someone that he could trust with this kind of information. His finger hovered over Christine’s number. She was usually busy, but it was worth a shot.

He walked slowly down the busy street as the phone rang. Unexpectedly, she actually answered the call. “Hey, Jeremy!” He heard her sweet sounding voice call out. “What’s up?”

“H-hey, Christine, would you happen to be busy at the moment? I kinda wanted to talk to you about something.” He said in a timid voice. He heard the sound of chatter around her. He worried he had called at a bad time.

“You wanted to talk?” She repeated. “Is everything okay?” He made a high pitched ‘hmm’ noise to subtly say, ‘not really at all’. “I’m downtown right now doing some shopping, but I can-”

Jeremy stopped walking. “Hey, wait, you’re downtown?” Christine ended up being quite close to him, and they arranged to meet up at a cafe halfway between them. It was a really rare occurrence that he got to hang out with Christine nowadays. She had a lot on her plate for school. Jeremy had lost track of the exact list of things she was studying. He knew she was still doing theater, but he also recalled her talking about literature, women’s studies, and even politics. He had no idea how she did it when he was struggling to focus on his one field.

They sat down together at one of the tables and Jeremy ordered a latte. He nervously played with a packet of sugar as he gathered the courage to talk. “Hey, Christine? Remember the night of the party we all had at Chloe’s?” Christine nodded, giving him a strange look, like she was contemplating something difficult. He crinkled the packet nervously. “Michael… uh… he confessed to me.”

Christine emitted a loud, extended gasp that made Jeremy hide his face from the peering eyes around them. “Oh my god, Jeremy! But wait, didn’t you go home with- Oh my god.” She emphasized, realization dawning on her face. “I can’t believe he actually did it!”

“Wait, what, you- you didn’t know did you?” He asked her in a high pitched voice. She gave him an amused look. 

“A bunch of us thought you two were dating back in high school. But I think someone asked Michael about it and he got really defensive, so I guess we just always sort of… assumed.” She laughed, and put her elbows on the table with her hands clasped together, eyes shining excitedly. “So? Are you guys dating now?”

Jeremy sweat nervously. Was he letting everyone he knew down with the decision to reject Michael? “No, I… I turned him down.”

Christine’s face fell. “Oh… I’m sorry Jeremy. I thought - I was so sure that you would have liked him back.”

He felt a nervous itch on the side of his face. “Well, I-” He made a frustrated gesture with his hand, opening and closing his mouth like he wasn’t sure what to say. “I mean… I might?” He squeaked out.

“You… might.” Christine repeated in a disbelieving tone. He avoided her judging eyes and squirmed in his seat.

“I- I- I- I dunno what it’s supposed to feel like liking someone like that!” He spoke fast, flustered. “I’ve had crushes before, yeah, but I don’t know... “ He looked down and his eyes went soft. “What I have with Michael is… special. But is that love?”

Christine raised an eyebrow at him. “You’re not really asking the right person, Jeremy.” He groaned and slumped onto the table, hiding his face in his arms. Christine thought for a moment. “Well… what makes him different from your other friends?”

He lifted his head up and perched his chin on his arms. “Well, he’s… my best friend. No one else can calm me down like he can, and he… He makes me feel safe and happy. He’s been there for me almost all my life, I- I don’t know what I’d do without him.” He welled up with emotion. His throat felt sore and it made his voice wobble even though no tears came to him. Christine bopped him in the nose.

“That doesn’t really sound like something you’d say about someone who’s just a friend.” She smirks. Jeremy blushes even harder.

“But don’t you have to like, want to kiss them and touch them and stuff?” 

Christine took a sip of her coffee. “You don’t think about doing those kinds of things with him?” Her voice was a little surprised.

“No!” He blurted out. Then he paused and looked to the side with his brows furrowed. He could hear the pout in his own voice. “Well, I didn’t used to. Lately, since he told me, I might’ve… been thinking about it.”

Christine looked like she was holding back laughter and it embarrassed Jeremy even more. “Alright, Jeremy.” She said to him slowly, like someone teaching something to a young child. “How did thinking of those things make you feel?”

He sat up. There was a hesitant pause before he answered. “C-curious… and maybe a little…” He mumbled out a word she couldn’t quite hear, picking at his nails.

“Hmm?”

“Maybe just a little excited.” He said quickly in a small voice.

She grinned. “Aww, Jeremy.” She sung out, putting her hands to her face. He glared at her. He hated being teased. “Well, maybe you should try it out, then!”

Jeremy thought about it for a moment, and then he put his face in his palms. “Urgh… It might be too late anyway.” He groaned. Christine raised her eyebrows in a silent question. “He’s literally on a date with some other dude right now.”

“What!?” Christine yelled, putting her hands on the table. “Why would he do that?!”

“Because I rejected him and he’s trying to get over me!” He shouted back.

She leaned back into her chair. “Oh, god. And he’s liked you since when?”

“... 10 years ago?”

She shook her head. “Yeah, I don’t think a crush that devoted is going to disappear that fast.” Jeremy bit his lip, grateful. Maybe she was right. He hoped she was right.

After saying goodbye to Christine, Jeremy walked back to the apartment, head full of stress. What would he even say to him? He mumbled the words to himself under his breath. “Hey, Michael? How’d your date go?” he put on a goofy voice. “Wanna try it with me? I know I said I didn’t like you that way, but what the heck, I’m feelin’ adventurous!” He made a goofy grin at the air before groaning and kicking a nearby wall in frustration.

He felt so stupid. He should have just said he wanted to in the first place. Why’d he say he didn’t like Michael? He stood for a moment, staring at the ground. Because he… didn’t. Did he?

Was he just getting caught up in things? Was he just scared of losing Michael, so he was making things up to justify it? He had no idea. Feelings were… hard.

He stopped by the vending machine on their floor to grab drinks. Two cold Pepsi's in his arms, he went to turn the corner before jumping back around, slamming his back against the wall. It was them. In the hallway. In front of the door.

Jeremy peeked around the corner carefully. That guy was standing over Michael again. It made him look short, which he wasn’t. Michael was leaning against the door, practically making goo-goo eyes at him. He said something that made him laugh, but Jeremy couldn’t hear it over his heart pounding in his brain. Leave, he willed silently. Get out of here!

Then he saw him lean down, slowly and deliberately, putting his hand to Michael’s chin and tipping his face up towards him and Jeremy’s world slowed down to an almost complete halt. He touched his lips to his delicately, and it must have only lasted for a second but it felt like a lifetime - a terrible, terrible lifetime.

He watched Michael’s face with wide eyes. Michael’s eyelids fluttered and his mouth was left slightly parted open. And then he raised his arms up around Daniel’s neck and he pulled him back down, kissing him with a passion Jeremy had never seen before.

Jeremy jerked his head away and his whole body was shaking and his heartbeat was racing as words flooded into his mind like a tsunami, destructive and overwhelming and painful - I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him I love him

I love him

I love him

And it’s too late.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys don't hate me now. :):):):):):):)


	13. Daniel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Daniel's story of his relationship with Michael and his conflict with Jeremy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little unusual, this chapter is told entirely in Daniel's perspective! I'm sorry if this is a little disappointing, but the next chapter will be Jeremy's telling of the same events - don't you worry!

He had never dated someone like Michael before. He was a few years younger than him, but he had a better head on his shoulders than many. He was sincere and dependable, and he was one of the most quietly caring individuals he had ever met.

He really liked Michael.

On their first date, Michael fumbled - he could be so nervous and anxious but it was cute. He stuttered and blushed and tripped over his own feet but he was always himself, and he never tried to pretend to be anyone else.

When he kissed him back as he dropped him off at the door, Daniel knew that he had found someone special.

But then there was the deep, spiralling, never ending problem that was Jeremy. Michael’s unusual roommate.

His first sign was that day, after their first date. After kissing Michael goodbye, he had made his way back down the hallway to the elevators. Out of the corner of his eye he saw him. He turned to see a red-faced boy with his back pressed against the wall, clutching two drinks to his chest. He was staring at him with wide, terrified eyes. Daniel opened his mouth to speak, but Jeremy dashed past him down the hall in the opposite direction, vanishing around a corner.

He recognized him as Michael’s friend from the night he met him. He later learned that he was Michael’s oldest childhood friend, and they lived together in Michael’s apartment, splitting the rent. Jeremy’s reaction perplexed him, but he justified it with the likely reason that he had accidentally seen them kissing and just gotten embarrassed. 

The second sign was how Jeremy seemed to hate him for some reason. On their fourth date, Daniel had come to pick Michael up, knocking at the door precisely 5 minutes prior to when he had said he was coming. He smoothed out his shirt and adjusted his tie as he waited. To his surprise, it was Jeremy that came to greet him.

Daniel smiled politely at him, about to greet him warmly, when he saw Jeremy was giving him a vicious glare. His smile dropped into a look of shock as he held the door open silently before closing it again in his face. He wasn’t quite sure what to do, so he stood there for a few moments before knocking again.

Jeremy yanked open the door mid-knock. “He’ll be out in a minute.” He grumbled before slamming it closed again. His rudeness irked Daniel. What had he done to him to be treated like this? A few minutes later, Michael stumbled out the door, breathing hard like he had been running.

“H-hey, Daniel!” He huffed. “Sorry I took so long, let’s-” 

He was interrupted by the door opening again behind him and Jeremy calling out. “Michael, wait!” He held out something in his arms.

“Jer, what-?”

“It’s going to be cold out today. You can wear this again.” He held up a dark blue sweater with both of his hands. “Here, come on.” He motioned for Michael to put it on. Michael gave him a strange, embarrassed look as Jeremy helped the sleeves onto his arms. “Alright. See you tonight, Mikey.” He smiled at him and tugged at his sleeve, heading back into the apartment. Not once did he even glance at Daniel.

That had been odd. He looked down at Michael, who was staring at the spot Jeremy had touched, rubbing the material of the sweater between his fingers.

“Michael,” He spoke as they walked together. “Your roommate isn’t homophobic, is he?” 

Michael looked at him like he was crazy. “What? Of course he isn’t! What gave you that idea?”

“I don’t think he likes me very much.”

He seemed to think for a moment. Daniel watched him smile to himself, a tender look in his eyes as he stared ahead. “Hmm. I think I know why he’d be like that.” He looked back at him, an amused expression on his face. “He’s probably just upset that he can’t hog me to himself.”

Michael’s words made him uncomfortable. “What do you mean, ‘hog you’?” He asked.

“Jer and I have always been really close, like, attached at the hip for years. He kinda needs me to function.” He laughed. “I mean, the guy barely cleans up after himself and he’s an absolute mess when it comes to cooking. Oh man, let me tell you about this one time he destroyed a pot just by boiling water-”

The rest of the date was spent listening to Michael talk about Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. He was starting to not like Jeremy very much.

Which led him to the third sign. He started to notice just how… close him and Michael seemed to be. Like the time Daniel walked into the apartment and the two of them were pressed together on the couch, Jeremy fast asleep with his head rested on Michael’s shoulder. He was threading his fingers through Jeremy’s hair. 

A surge of cold jealousy shot through him like a bolt of lightning.

Michael looked up, noticing he was there, and smiled innocently despite the fact that he was holding someone else in his arms. He put his finger to his lips to tell him to be silent, and he softly pulled away from the sleeping boy, resting him gently on the couch.

He took Daniel’s hand and quietly whispered to him as they headed out. “He has a hard time sleeping sometimes.” He said, like that was a reasonable excuse for what he had just seen. Daniel said nothing. It didn’t seem right.

He began to notice that Jeremy really wasn’t the problem here. It was Michael. Daniel was never his top priority - Jeremy was. He would call to cancel dates because he was sick and Michael needed to take care of him. He would forget about their plans sometimes, and when Daniel would arrive at the door, expectant and excited, Michael would give him a guilty look and an apology. “I promised I’d hang out with Jer today, sorry. I’ll make it up to you.”

It hurt him. He was being pushed aside when he should have come first in his life, but he didn’t, and he didn’t understand why.

And one day he got an answer to exactly what had been bothering him so much, sitting at the kitchen table across from Jeremy, having an uncomfortable staring contest while Michael was taking a shower. He refused to go out anywhere after work before washing the stink of angry customers off of him.

“So.” Daniel spoke up, trying to search for something to say to break up the silence. He wasn’t coming up with anything.

“So.” Jeremy replied coldly, glaring at him straight on with his back leaned against the chair and his arms crossed. Daniel noticed he was wearing one of Michael’s sweaters, the sleeves were all scrunched up to make it fit properly without dangling over his hands. So they shared clothing too.

Daniel looked him over. “You and Michael are… close.” He spoke up, a hint of aggression on his tongue. 

Jeremy replied pompously. “Yeah, we’ve been together for over 15 years.”

He didn’t appreciate his wording. “Why are you two so…. Touchy?”

He let out a small ‘hmph’ sound out of his nose. “Because we’re comfortable with each other. What, are you uncomfortable with that?”

Daniel’s frown deepened. He felt very intimidated, actually. “Yes, I am. Michael is my boyfriend, after all. I think it’s a little weird for him to be so affectionate with someone else.”

Jeremy shifted in his chair and looked away from him, an angry pout on his face. “Whatever. He liked me first.”

“Wait, what?!” Daniel cried out at the statement. He looked at Jeremy with wide eyes, and Jeremy seemed to smirk a little. At that same moment he heard the bathroom door burst open and Michael yelled out in a panic. 

“Jeremy!!” He shrieked as he shuffled over, half dressed, still pulling his pants on. Jeremy shrunk back with a nervous look on his face. “Why would you--!” Michael looked at Daniel and gave him an anxious smile. “Um, uh, just- just disregard that. --Dude!” He whispered, turning back to Jeremy. He didn’t respond back to him.

There was an awkward silence between the two of them as they drove together in Daniel’s sedan. “You didn’t tell me you liked Jeremy.” He muttered, keeping his eyes locked forward.

“I’m… I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to worry.” He told him sadly. “I don’t anymore, though. Jeremy’s straight, he turned me down.” Michael looked out the opposite window, resting his head on his palm.

“Are… are you sure?” He let a little bit of his insecurity leak into his voice. 

Michael looked over to him and offered his hand to him. Daniel adjusted his grip on the wheel and took it. Michael squeezed. “Yeah. We’re just friends now, and we’re both cool with it.”

He let it drop after that. But he couldn’t quite bring himself to believe him.

That night, after four months of a relationship that had him on such emotional highs and lows, he made a desperate attempt to fix things. “What would you think of moving in with me?” He whispered into Michael’s ear as he held him close, peppering kisses along his jawbone. 

“W-what?” Michael laughed out breathlessly. Daniel gave him a serious look and his lighthearted expression fell to one of shock. “Wait, are you being for real?”

He kissed his lips softly. “Yes. I want you here. With me.”

Michael was silent, and he pulled away slightly. He blinked and his eyes flitted around the brightly lit living room of his condo. “Daniel, I…” His eyes went dark and he frowned sadly. “I can’t.”

Daniel reached for his hand and Michael held it loosely. He looked at him with a pleading expression. “Why not?” His voice was sorrowful.

He pulled away and shoved his hands together in the pocket of his hoodie. “Jeremy… needs me.”

Daniel’s heart fell. A bitter, dull rage burned inside of him as he turned away from Michael. Any other excuse would have been better than that. He would have preferred him say it was too early in the relationship, or to do with money, or school, but like everything else, it was about Jeremy. “He needs you?” He whispered angrily. “I think it’s you that needs him.”

Michael’s face looked up at him, filled with dread. “No, Daniel, it’s not like that-”

“I… I need to be alone.” He pulled himself off of the couch and slowly walked to his bedroom, gently closing the door behind him. He waited. Please come for me, he silently pleaded. Come after me.

He heard the front door of the apartment open and shut.

A few days later, he went to Michael’s place. A grim Jeremy cracked the door open slightly, peering through at him through the gap. He looked sickly, with heavy bags under his eyes and a pale complexion. “Michael’s not here.” He grumbled in a rough sounding voice. 

“No, I came to see you, actually.” Daniel spoke calmly and seriously. Jeremy seemed unsurprisingly reluctant, but he stood to the side and opened the door to let him in. He walked over to the middle of the kitchen, standing slouched and awkward, picking distractedly at his nails. Daniel stayed near the door, back straight and eyes unwavering. His stare made Jeremy shrink into himself.

He immediately got to the point, not wanting to waste any time. “Do you like Michael?”

Jeremy flinched at the question and stuttered out a reply. “He’s my f-friend.”

“So you don’t?” He asked sternly.

“I… I don’t.”

Daniel burst out in a loud shout. “Then stop giving him false hope!” Jeremy jumped at the sudden volume of his voice. He looked confused. “You know he still loves you.”

“No he doesn’t.” Jeremy jabbed back, glaring at the floor. 

“He obviously does. Don’t you have any idea how it makes me feel to always be put in second place after you? How I feel when I see you clinging to him all of the time and being so… happy!?” He was starting to raise his voice. “He’s not happy with me! I’m not enough! I’m sick of it!”

He approached Jeremy, voice growing in hostility as he did. Jeremy looked terrified. “If you really don’t have feelings for him, then why can’t you just let him move on!? Why are you still holding onto him!?” He was completely up in Jeremy’s face, yelling at him as he tried to shrink away. “Stop making desperate excuses to be around him! Just let-”

He was suddenly interrupted by Jeremy’s fist colliding with his face. There was a brief shock of hot pain and he brought up his hand to hold his nose, stumbling back slightly. He realized it didn’t actually hurt all that much. The punch was surprisingly weak.

Jeremy stood back with a red face and tears burning at the corners of his eyes. “Stop! I get it! I know!” He yelled, breathing hard. Daniel blinked in surprise at him.

“I know I’m clinging to him and I’m dragging him down, okay?! But I can’t lose him! I need him, and- and you’re right, I… I...” Jeremy’s face crumbled and he couldn’t seem to spit out the words.

“B-but he’s not yours, you turned him down.” Daniel bit, his eyebrows furrowed and his eyes full of hurt anger.

“I know I did!” He snapped back, a desperate tone to his voice. “And that’s why I can’t tell him! I’ve lost my chance. And, and even if I did have a second chance, what if I just ended up hurting him more? What if he realized I wasn’t good enough? What if I didn’t meet his expectations?” His voice cracked. “I- I can’t lose him, please... “ Jeremy sobbed, wiping away large globs of tears from his eyes as he begged. “Please don’t take him away from me.”

Daniel pitied him. They were the same. Neither of them thought they were good enough for Michael. But he at least knew what Michael wanted.

He muttered out a quiet “Sorry,” before turning and leaving the apartment. He didn’t belong here. He never had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a little less confident about this chapter than the rest, but it needed to be written like this to show certain scenes between Daniel and Michael that Jeremy would not be present for, and my format has been strictly one person's perspective per chapter so I didn't want to do anything different for just this one. You might notice that there is a bit of context missing in certain scenes! These will most likely be cleared up in the next chapter, Jeremy's perspective of the events.
> 
> What do you guys think of Daniel's character? I'm very curious to know!
> 
> There should only be two more chapters to go! I am very very excited to get to the conclusion. <3<3


	14. Jealousy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy learns what it's like to have a one-sided crush.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY. I had a ton of fun writing this and it ended up being so damn long. Sorry if it seems a little rough towards the end! I literally collapsed after I finished.

Four months earlier.

Jeremy stood in the stairway, out of breath from running, and maybe from other things as well. Daniel had seen him. He probably knew that he had seen them kissing. He probably guessed that he liked Michael. He was terrified.

He sat and waited for a few minutes. He was dreading seeing Michael again, but at the same time he wanted to see him more than he ever had before. He gathered his courage and walked back up to their apartment, drinks in his arms. 

When he walked in, the lights were dim and the room was silent. He spotted Michael on the couch, his back turned to Jeremy. His headphones were on his head and his eyes were closed, and he had removed the cardigan he had lent to him, holding it in his arms in a bundle of soft material. He nuzzled into it like a soft pillow. Jeremy watched him take a long, deep breath through his nose.

Oh. So he does that too.

He placed the drinks down quietly and approached the back of the couch. Michael must have felt the vibration in the floor from his steps, he jolted in his seat and whipped around, shouting out “Jesus-” when he saw Jeremy standing there. He flushed, ripping off his headphones and tossing the cardigan beside him like it was on fire.

“H-hey, Jer.” He nervously coughed out. “You didn’t- I was- I didn’t hear you come in.” Jeremy’s eyes met his.

Wow. It was like he was looking at him for the first time. He looked in his eyes and warmth flooded his chest and it wasn’t new but now he finally understood what it was and it was wonderful. It was like everything had clicked into place, and he felt so… whole.

And he realized that this had been inside of him not just since Michael had told him how he felt, but long before that. He remembered this feeling from when he saw the flowers on Valentine’s Day. From Michael’s timid touch before he left for the New Year’s party. From the day they moved in, lying inside of their little fort. From when Michael clasped their hands together and smiled at him as they stood together at graduation in their matching caps. From their awkward dance together at prom. From the first time Michael held him in his arms and soothed him, willing his nightmares away. From when he saw him walk into his hospital room after saving him.

Oh god, how had it taken so long?

“Uhh… Jeremy?” Michael gave him a strange look. He had been staring. In an odd rush of emotion he grabbed Michael’s head and pulled it against his chest tightly, holding him and resting his own cheek on his hair. Michael made a muffled shocked noise. After a few long seconds, Michael tapped on his arm, asking him to let him go. He released him silently, standing up straight.

“W-what was that for?” He asked breathlessly. Jeremy scratched the back of his neck and shrugged, not making eye contact. He walked over and sat beside him on the couch.

But what could he say now?

The words threatened to spill from his lips but he held them back. It was difficult and scary and uncomfortable. He didn’t know how Michael had done it for so long. 

But it was too late to say anything. In his mind he saw that kiss, but it wasn’t just that. It was that Michael had kissed him back. He kissed him back. Jeremy felt his heart break for the second time that day. 

He had to decide what he was going to do about it. These newly understood feelings had made him feel so full and yet they had created this overwhelming void of unfulfillment. He wondered if this was how Michael felt. Used to feel.

He guessed he could show some decency and be a good friend, at least. “So, um, did your thing go well?” He asked, unsure of how exactly to word his thoughts. 

“Uhh… good, I think!” Michael responded, reaching for the television remote. He flipped to the discovery channel. “I mean, I was kind of a disaster. I didn’t really know what to do, but he was really… nice.” He played with a tuft of hair in front of his eyes. “An actual gentleman.” He said with a smirk and a light laugh. “And I guess he liked me too, because when he dropped me off he… kissed me.”

Jeremy tried to smile sincerely, but he could feel his mouth twitch and his eyebrows shake. “Congrats on your first kiss, dude.”

Michael was slightly distracted by what was happening on the tv, and replied without looking at Jeremy. “It wasn’t my- nevermind.” His quickly backpedaled, face suddenly filled with the dread of saying something you shouldn’t have said.

Jeremy couldn’t believe what he had just heard. Did that mean he… No way! “That wasn’t your first kiss?!” he shouted out in disbelief. When had that happened? Why hadn’t he told him? Who was it with? He felt so betrayed.

“Nonono, forget it, it was just some stupid thing i had in my head,” he waved his hands in front of Jeremy, shielding himself while he avoided looking in his direction. “You don’t even remember anyway, so-”

“What!” Jeremy’s face paled. “How would I- You’re not saying…” The room went silent for a moment, save for the soft noises of tweeting birds and gentle narration from the television. Michael was slouching down, an awkward, guilty look on his face. “Michael, we have not kissed!”

Dizzy from his brain trying to catch up with what was being suggested, he gaped at him with wide eyes. “W-when would that have happened?”

Michael gestured around wordlessly. Then he sighed and put his hands in front of his mouth, fingers together like he was praying. He took a breath. “Do… Do you remember that one time we tried shotgunning, and our lips kinda…. Brushed?”

The memories started to flood back to Jeremy. He hadn’t thought about that night in a long time, and he had the sneaking suspicion that he had blocked it out for some reason. Then he remembered exacty why, and he instantly wished he hadn’t. His face flushed beet red.

“I always kinda considered that to be my first kiss…” Michael had continued, smiling a little despite himself as he was lost in his own thoughts. 

Jeremy threw his hands over his own face and groaned in mortification. “Michael, that doesn’t count as a kiss!” If it did count, then that would have meant it was his first as well, and… well maybe he wanted it to count after all.

They were quiet for a moment, backs facing each other on the couch due to embarrassment. 

“Anyway, changing the subject,” Michael coughed.

“Please.”

“He invited me out again next week, so, things are going pretty good. You don’t have to worry about me thinking stuff like that about you anymore, we can just be normal bros. We cool?” He smiled at him, but his eyes looked a little sad. A lonely pang hit Jeremy’s chest. No, he thought, he didn’t want him to stop. As embarrassing and awkward it was to talk about things like this, it was also exciting. He didn’t want that to go away. 

“We’re cool.” Ended up being the words that came out of Jeremy’s mouth. It wasn’t fair for him to think this. All he would be doing was spinning Michael around in circles, toying with his heart. He couldn’t just come out and say he loved him after turning him down. After he was finally moving on. It would be cruel.

“Hey, Jer?” Michael’s voice brought him out of his melancholic thoughts. “I don’t think I’ve ever said it, but… Thank you. For staying my friend after all of this. It means a lot to me.”

“I should be saying that to you.” Jeremy said in a low voice, not hiding his sadness very well. “I don’t know why you stayed after all I put you through.” Michael hesitated for a moment before pulling Jeremy towards him with his arm over his shoulder. The warmth was so calming and inviting. He rested his head against Michael’s chest, cradling into his neck. He felt Michael’s cheek against his forehead and wished he would kiss him.

He knew he had said that he would try to be a good friend to Michael, but that didn’t mean he was going to like Daniel. It took everything in him to just tolerate the smug-faced, stinky-haired headache. The first few times he came around, Jeremy elected to avoid him the best he could by hiding out in his room.

On their fourth date, early in the morning, Michael was rushing around in a panic getting ready to go out. They had spent the night before playing video games to an unreasonable time - which may or may not have been a purposeful decision on Jeremy’s part - and he had woken up with 20 minutes to prepare. 

Michael was still being meticulous about how he looked around this guy, and was freaking out over every little detail that was out of place. Jeremy grumbled to himself over him wanting to impress someone else. Michael fussed in the bathroom about the way his collar was positioned on his shirt. He was wearing a light-coloured, short sleeve dress-shirt today. He and Daniel had gone out shopping for clothes the last time they went out. It made Jeremy angry but he also really, really liked the way Michael looked all dressed up.

There was a knock on the front door.

“Oh, god, Jeremy!! Can you please let him in, I just have to- I’m not-” He made a whiny, stressed out noise. Jeremy silently slugged towards the door, dreading seeing his face again. He hadn’t had to look at him since… that stare off in the hallway.

He paused, making him wait those few extra seconds out of spite. He peered through the door with the bitchiest face he could muster. Then in a split second decision, he slammed it closed again. He laughed internally. He was glad Michael was so preoccupied, he didn’t think he would be happy to discover him being so rude to his boyfriend. Not to mention confused. And then he might start to wonder why. And he might guess that Jeremy was jealous. What would he think of that? Best case scenario… he would ignore it. Worst case… he might get angry. 

He should stop. He should try to be nice to him, for Michael’s sake. 

He heard him start to knock on the door again, and he ripped the door open and snapped at him “He’ll be out in a minute” before slamming it closed again. Once the rage left him, he put his face in his hands. That…. Was not being ‘nice’.

He went to go see how Michael was doing, but he was surprised to see him dash into the living room. “W-wheres Daniel? Didn’t you let him in?”

“He’s uh, still outside-”

“Oh, great. Okay, I’m heading out then. See you later!” He called out to Jeremy as he ran past him through the door. A thought quickly flashed in Jeremy’s head, and he booked it to his bedroom to grab his blue cardigan.

“Michael, wait!” He called out as he met them in the hall. He saw Daniel out of the corner of his eye but made a point to ignore him. He made him put on the sweater, making up an excuse that he had heard it was going to be cold out that day. He even helped it on him himself, putting in that extra little contact. “See you tonight, Mikey.” He said, stressing his nickname with an affectionate curl in his voice. He touched the sleeve of his sweater. He wanted to hold onto his hand and pull him back into the apartment, but he couldn’t. So he let go with a loving smile on his face. Michael’s eyes were transfixed to him, like he was in a dream.

He closed the door behind him and leaned against it, sighing. That had been bold of him. He just wanted to shove their closeness in that guy’s face. He wanted to make Daniel as jealous as he was of him.

What made Jeremy feel even worse was how Michael’s life was seeming to really improve without his feelings for Jeremy holding him down. Through Daniel’s suggestion, he joined the LGBTQA Alliance group at his college and ended up actually connecting with a lot of people there. He was terrified at first to be out so publicly, but then when he was, it seemed like he started to really flourish. He was suddenly talking about different friends he had made with Jeremy, and he looked so excited and happy and he was so proud of Michael but at the same time it made him so… lonely. 

He felt so selfish for wanting Michael all to himself. He didn’t deserve him. They started to see each other less, spending so much time with other people. At least he had Michael to himself when he came home each night.

Until he started spending nights out. With Daniel.

Jeremy knew what that meant. And it made him angrier than he ever could have imagined. On one of those nights alone, he tucked himself into Michael’s unused bed and thought. He had his earbuds in and he was listening to a quiet, calming playlist that Michael had made him back in high school for his nightmares. Had Michael gotten this angry when he had slept with Rachel? He remembered all of his ignored texts. Probably. He snuggled into Michael’s pillow, breathing in his scent. 

There was a different element to it now. His smell. He thought about the way Michael and him must have smelled like one another at one point. After so many months of holding him close every night. It was like they gave off an aura to other people around them that they were inseparably close, that they belonged to each other. But now that element of Jeremy had disappeared from him, or at least faded, and all he could smell was something foreign and unwanted.

His thoughts were rudely interrupted by the door being shoved open in a hurry by two people, distracted and all over each other. They fell onto the bed, not noticing Jeremy lying there. He shrieked. It was Michael and his boyfriend and they were heavily making out, reeking of booze. Michael was pressed onto the bed with Daniel on top of him, and there were moans and tongues and Jeremy was horrified.

When Jeremy yelled out Michael pushed Daniel off of him roughly, turning his head towards Jeremy, whose foot was wedged under his back. “J-Jere-” He breathed out in shocked surprise. He jumped out from under the covers, falling right out of the bed and backing up into Michael’s desk.

He was so angry and hurt and scared. “Shit, Jeremy, I’m sorry.” He heard Michael’s apology, and he heard Daniel asking Michael why Jeremy was in his room. He clenched his teeth and tossed himself off of the floor, stomping around the bed and shoving past Daniel as hard as he could on his way out the door.

He ran into his own room and dove under his covers, pulling the blanket over his head and hiding himself. He couldn’t believe that had just happened. How stupid could he have been, staying in Michael’s room? He couldn’t believe Michael and him would come here to have sex, when they could have gone to Daniel’s stupidly rich apartment and been alone. No, they came here to impose on Jeremy and make him uncomfortable. It was probably Daniel’s idea, he did it to spite him because he was an asshole and he hated Jeremy and he wanted him to be so uncomfortable that he moved out and left for good so he would never have to see him again and keep Michael all to himself and Jeremy hated him, he hated him, he hated him!

He heard a commotion outside of his room. The front door shut loudly. Good, they’re gone, he thought. Go fuck somewhere else. He sniffled. He heard a knock at the door, making him flinch and tighten the blanket around himself.

“Jeremy?” He heard Michael’s soft, gentle voice on the other side. He held back a wave of tears as his heart lurched. He hadn’t left. He was still here and he was worried about him. The door opened and he felt the mattress shift as Michael sat down on the edge of the bed. He felt a hand touch his back over the blanket. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

The caring tone he spoke to him in sent him off the edge, and he burst into tears, throwing the blanket off of himself and grabbing Michael around the waist. He sobbed into his shirt and the buttons pressed into his face. He missed the softness of his sweater. 

Michael put his arms around him and held him tightly, rubbing circles on his back. He whispered repeated apologies over and over to him, calmly and delicately. He loved him so much.

He loved him so, so much.

“I’m s-s-sorry I was in your r-r-room.” Jeremy shuddered out through his tears, which were starting to calm down. 

Michael pet his hair gently. “No, no, no, that’s alright Jeremy, there’s nothing wrong with that. You can go in there if you want. I’m sorry we scared you.”

He look deep breaths and started to relax, leaning himself down to rest on Michael’s thigh. “I killed the mood.” He said in a mopey voice, mostly meaning it as a joke. Michael let out a tiny, light laugh. 

“It’s fine. He was a little upset that I made him leave, but he’ll get over it.” 

“Thank you. For comforting me.” He sniffed loudly, trying to clear his mucus-filled nose. He put his hand on Michael’s leg and rubbed him with his thumb. 

“Bad night?” He asked. He could always tell. He nodded in response. They spent that night cuddled up together on Jeremy’s bed - the first in a long time. He listened to his heart beat the whole night.

Of course, that one encounter didn’t stop them from coming back to the apartment on other nights for sex. It woke Jeremy up one night, unexpected, strange noises coming from Michael’s room. The creaking of his badly reconstructed bed frame. The sounds of skin on skin. Michael’s moans.

Oh god.

He put his pillow over his head, trying to muffle the sounds. His ears seemed to search even harder, and his mind focused on them. The feelings it gave him were very mixed. His heart hurt and he felt so angry and anxious. But there was something else in him that felt like a punch in the gut every time he heard Michael’s voice gasp out.

Oh god.

He mastrubated to it, and he felt like utter shit doing so. It was the first time he had ever imagined Michael and him in… that way. But it was so easy, and the sounds brought images to his mind instantly. He had never watched any sort of gay porn before, but he had a general idea of what it was like. He climaxed with a picture of Michael’s hand around his length, pumping him while he reached up to bite Jeremy’s neck.

He panted, riding out his high before the guilt kicked in. 

He was despicable. 

“Whatever. He liked me first.” He heard the words fly out of his mouth. Across from him at the kitchen table, Daniel’s stubbornly angry expression dropped into one of shock. He felt a brief, petty victory and smirked at him. Michael hadn’t told him. Of course he hadn’t.

Oh shit, Michael hadn’t told him.

“Jeremy!!” He heard Michael shriek as he ran out of the bathroom towards him. He anxiously told Daniel to ignore what Jeremy had said. “Dude!” He whispered at him angrily. Jeremy shrank back, filled with guilt. 

Michael rushed the two of them out the door after that, saying a quick goodbye to Jeremy. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Jer.” He called. 

Crap. He hoped Michael wasn’t too angry at him. It’s not like he had told him not to tell Daniel about that. He pulled out his copy of Unlimited Zombie Hoards 3 to distract himself from thinking too hard about it. He’d apologize tomorrow.

Michael was staying out more often at Daniel’s. Was he going to leave Jeremy soon? They had been dating for four months now already. He honestly hadn’t really expected their relationship to get so serious. He kept hoping for them to just end up not working out or have a fight and then Daniel would finally be out of Jeremy’s hair. It was a mean thing to want. Especially when Michael seemed so… happy.

Was he trying to sabotage their relationship? He didn’t think he was. But he kept doing stupid things like what he did today and he couldn’t seem to stop himself. Why couldn’t he just leave them be?

He was shocked to see Michael return home just a few hours later. “Michael? What are you doing home?” He asked, peeking over the couch that he hadn’t budged from since he left.

Michael was looking at the ground, a frustrated, remorseful look on his face. He didn’t say anything until he sat down on the opposite end of the couch. Jeremy stared at the large gap between them. “Hey.” He sighed, slouching back as far as he could into the cushions.

“Are you okay?” Jeremy asked, worried.

Michael chewed on the inside of his cheek. He hesitated, speaking slowly. “Daniel… asked me to move in with him.” 

He felt his heart stop. Already? No, please, no. He couldn’t do this. “What did you say?” His question was quiet and he felt a subtle wobble in his voice.

“Well… No. I said no.” He scratched the back of his neck. Jeremy allowed himself to breathe again. “I mean, I like him but, I- I’m not ready for that kind of thing. I like our apartment. And it’s not like I can just leave you to pay all of the rent.”

“You were going to before.” Jeremy spoke up, remembering when Michael almost moved back home. Michael cringed. 

“Yeah, but… I mean…” He gave up and sighed. “And because I said no, we kind of had a little fight. It’s nothing huge, but… I don’t think he trusts me anymore.”

Jeremy’s eyes widened. “Why? Just because you wouldn’t move in?” He felt kind of angry for Michael. He thought Daniel was an ass already but he didn’t really have any justifiable reasons why before. 

“Sort of. It’s complicated.”

Jeremy leaned over and poked at Michael’s side, smiling reassuringly “Hey. Talk to me about it. I’m here for you.” He got a worried look in return, but then he let out another sigh and sat up a bit. 

“I think he thinks I still like you.”

His smile fell. Oh no. “Because of what I said earlier?” He brought his hands in on himself and clenched them together. What had he done?

“Yeah. Why did you do that?” His voice rose slightly in an accusing tone.

“I didn’t know you hadn’t told him.” He wavered. “And you never told me I shouldn’t-”

Michael interrupted him, growing more exasperated. “Because I didn’t think I’d need to! How could you not think that telling my boyfriend about my lifelong crush on you was a bad idea?”

“I didn’t tell him all that.”

“And now he’s pissed at me, Jer. So thanks a lot.” He pushed himself off the couch in a huff and shoved his hands in the pockets of his sweater. “I’m going to bed.” He muttered, and he walked off down the hall into his room, shutting the door a little harder than necessary.

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. He had gone too far. He had actually started to ruin his relationship. A part of him rejoiced, and he felt disgusted at himself for it. He stood up shakily and walked to Michael’s door. He had to apologise.

He knocked and got no response. “M-Michael?” He called.

“Leave me alone, Jeremy.” He heard him reply sternly. 

When the nightmares came that night, he didn’t go to Michael. He didn’t think he could. 

It was a rough few days. Michael avoided him, not saying anything or even looking at him when they passed each other in the apartment. Jeremy couldn’t blame him for being angry. But he wouldn’t even let him apologise for it. He had tried, but Michael had cut him off coldly, almost shouting at him that he didn’t want to hear it.

The fight with Michael made the nightmares worse, which meant that he barely got any sleep at all. He knew Michael noticed. He saw him glancing at him as his head bobbed while he tried to eat a lazy meal of crackers and peanut butter that he had scraped together his energy to pull out of the pantry. But he ignored him. Jeremy’s heart hurt.

One silly mistake and Michael hated him this much already? He didn’t think he deserved this. But maybe he did.

After the third sleepless night, he heard a knock on the door. He had absolutely no idea who would be knocking on his door. Michael was at work. He hadn’t ordered anything. Was it the superintendent? He opened the door a crack and peered out. His stomach dropped. It was Daniel.

“Michael’s not here.” He grumbled. He was the last person he wanted to see right now.

“No, I came to see you, actually.” Daniel said seriously. Oh, christ. He was coming to talk about Michael’s old feelings for Jeremy. He didn’t have the energy for this. But he also didn’t have the energy to try to kick him out, so he opened the door and let him in.

He stood at the door looking proud and professional. Jeremy felt like such a gross slob compared to him. Jesus, Michael was so much better off with him. What had he ever seen in Jeremy? He had obviously come to his senses though.

“Do you like Michael?” Daniel said suddenly, and his forwardness spooked him. 

“He’s my f-friend.” He mumbled. He loved him. He loved him so much, so much more than Daniel, so much more than he could possibly explain, but Daniel couldn’t know that.

“So you don’t?”

“I… I don’t.”

Then Daniel, who he had never seen so angry, burst out at him “Then stop giving him false hope!” Hope? He had no idea what he was talking about. “You know he still loves you.” He continued, quieter, but still stern.

“No he doesn’t.” Jeremy immediately shot back. He didn’t love him any more. Daniel was just saying that because of his fight with Michael. There was no way.

“He obviously does. Don’t you have any idea how it makes me feel to always be put in second place after you? How I feel when I see you clinging to him all of the time and being so… happy!?” Daniel shouted at him. Jeremy didn’t realize he was so… jealous. But he guessed that had been what Jeremy had been trying to make him feel all along. Everything was coming back to bite him. He deserved it. “He’s not happy with me! I’m not enough! I’m sick of it.”

What? Of course Michael was happy. Had he not seen him? Daniel started to walk towards him, yelling at him, getting in his face. “If you really don’t have feelings for him, then why can’t you just let him move on!? Why are you still holding onto him!?” He felt scared and crowded, everything was so loud and his head hurt and he was too close. Before Jeremy realized it he had cracked Daniel right in the face with his fist.

“Stop! I get it! I know!” He yelled out.

Daniel staggered back, silenced briefly. Now Jeremy had done it. He had attacked Michael’s boyfriend. Their relationship was ruined. Not just Daniel and Michaels. But Jeremy and Michael’s too. He felt a rush of emotion and tears threatened to start pouring from his eyes. 

Words started to burst from his mouth like a waterfall. Things he had been holding inside of him for so long. All of his worries about Michael leaving him, or not being good enough for him. 

“I can’t lose him, please… please don’t take him away from me.” He begged desperately, trying to wipe away the tears that flooded down his cheeks. And then suddenly, Daniel was gone, leaving with nothing but a quiet apology.

What was Daniel going to do now? Was he going to tell Michael about his feelings and ruin their friendship? Or was that not already ruined? He cried bitterly and pitifully, alone. He made his way to his room, slow and sluggish, and collapsed on his bed. He was so, so tired. 

He didn’t know how long he had been sleeping before he felt a hand brush against his forehead. He jolted awake, heart thumping loudly in his chest, suddenly filled with fear. Michael soothed him. 

“Shhhh, it’s okay. It’s okay. It’s just me.”

“M-Michael?” He rasped, his voice sore. “What happened? I… Daniel, he-”

“We… we broke up, Jeremy.”

The words hit him like a truck. He started to cry again, covering his face with his hands. “It’s my fault! I’m so sorry, Michael!” He wailed. Michael pulled him into a tight hug, holding the back of his head with his hand. Jeremy reached around him and grasped at the back of his shirt desperately.

“No, No, please, don’t cry. It’s not your fault, Jer. It’s mine.” He rocked him slightly as Jeremy sniffled. “We broke up because… because he was right. I’m still in love with you. And that wasn’t fair to him.”

His heart fluttered. Did he really hear that? “B-but you said-”

“I lied. I tried to move on, but I couldn’t, and I… I didn’t want to. But I didn’t want you to feel weird around me anymore so I pretended, but I just ended up hurting you both. I’m sorry I was so mean to you the last few days. I was angry at myself, and I took it out on you. I’m sorry, Jer.” He pulled away slightly, turning down to look at him. His eyes were anxious, but his smile was trying to be reassuring. “But it’s okay. I’m going to keep trying, and we can-”

“Dont!” Jeremy yelled out, clenching his arms around him.

Michael froze. “Don’t… what?” He asked him.

Jeremy nuzzled even deeper into Michael’s chest. “Don’t stop… please.” His voice was weak and muffled and embarrassed.

No matter how much Michael tried to make him explain himself, he didn’t utter another word for the rest of the night. As they fell asleep side by side, he thought he heard Michael whisper to himself.

“Am I allowed to hope?”

In the morning, Jeremy woke up to a full cooked breakfast. He hadn’t had one of those in a while with Michael. He tiredly slumped to the table and thanked him. Michael seemed to be unusually full of giddy energy for someone who had just broken up with their significant other.

Michael had to leave for class, but before he left he stood in front of Jeremy, a large smile on his face. “I love you.” He said, his voice full of affection.

Jeremy flushed. “W-wha-?” He cried out, and Michael laughed before ruffling his hair and walking out the door.

Player_One_Heere: What would be the best way to confess your feelings to a guy who openly loves you but thinks you don’t dig him like that?  
KornKing3000: *inhales*  
KornKing3000: alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright alright  
KornKing3000: this i do actually have some experience in, thankfully  
Player_One_Heere: You do???  
KornKing3000: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh yeah. anyway  
KornKing3000: first, pamper the shit out of him cuz maboy mike deserves it  
KornKing3000: then, get the mood really romantic and shit  
KornKing3000: use that moment to grow some balls and T E L L H I M  
KornKing3000: and the last step, very important  
KornKing3000: kiss. him. on. the. lips.  
Player_One_Heere: Ok the first two steps seem manageable but how am i supposed to do the rest???  
KornKing3000: it’ll be ok dude. just dont do what i did.  
Player_One_Heere: what did you do???  
KornKing3000: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
KornKing3000: dont wait until the day before you move to another country to do it.  
KornKing3000: also stand your ground. dont run the fuck away after  
Player_One_Heere: Oh  
Player_One_Heere: Did it go well at least?  
KornKing3000: well  
KornKing3000: after like a month of ignoring his messages out of fear?  
KornKing3000: yes :)  
Player_One_Heere: !!!!!  
KornKing3000: yeah we just do a long distance thing now, its chill  
KornKing3000: he comes up to visit sometimes too  
KornKing3000: but anyway, this is about you and michael. trust me, its gonna go fine. you’re practically dating already so just… bridge that gap.  
Player_One_Heere: Ok. I’m gonna do it.  
KornKing3000: thank fucking christ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Just a reminder that my tumblr is MrsLovelyPears if you wanna come chat!!


	15. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jeremy works up the courage to tell Michael how he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little bit late! I hope you enjoy the conclusion!

“Michael, I… I have something I want to talk to you about.”

“Hmm?” Michael answered, mouth stuffed with spaghetti, a stray noodle hanging down his chin. He slurped it into his mouth and he jerked as heavy coughs wracked his body. He pounded a fist against his chest. Jeremy stared at him with a look of disappointment, waiting for him to recover.

“Oh my god I almost died.” He gasped out, clearing his throat a few more times. He looked at Jeremy with watery eyes from the pain. “What’s up?”

He took a moment, tapping his fork against his bowl in contemplation. “It’s something really important… I’ve been thinking about it for a long time.”

“Jeremy…?”

His heart thumped in his chest. “Michael, I…” He took a deep breath. “I’m thinking of going to therapy after all.”

Michael didn’t say anything for a moment, sitting across from him at the table with a blank face. Then he seemed to fly through a wide range of emotions, going from confusion to disappointment to excitement in a second. “Dude, are you serious? That’s awesome!”

He tried and failed to hold back a smile at his reaction. He was so sincere and sweet. “I decided that I want to stop letting these stupid nightmares dictate my life. I’m gonna finally do something about it.” He twirled a heap of spaghetti onto his fork, creating an enormous mound. 

“I’m so proud of you, Jer.” He said with warm eyes. Jeremy blushed slightly and shoved the forkful of noodles into his mouth.

He had been thinking back on their lives together a lot recently. One conversation in particular seemed to snake his way into his mind, and he heard Michael’s words over and over again.

“You need to be able to help yourself.”

He knew he was too dependent on Michael. And that fact had been hammered into him over those four months of doubt and jealousy. It made him realize that he would be useless without him, lost and scared and hopeless, barely able to fend for himself. And although he had decided that he wanted to stay beside Michael for the rest of his life, that didn’t mean that any of that was okay.

Michael shouldn’t have to cook all of their meals, or do all of their chores, or make sure Jeremy is up on time for every morning class. He shouldn’t be obligated to be there for his nightmares. He shouldn’t have to feel like Jeremy needed him to survive.

That’s not why he wanted to be with him. He wanted to be with Michael because he was the best person he knew. Because he was the type of person that would stay by your side through anything and expect nothing in return. Because he was a goof and proud of it, and Jeremy knew he could be himself around him and never be judged. Because he could sing beautifully even though he’d never do it in front of anyone but him. Because he was strong. He had the best poker face. He wore nerdy glasses. He laughed at Jeremy’s jokes. He let him wear his favourite sweaters. He listened to Jeremy’s angry rants. And because he was Jeremy’s best friend. His family. His soulmate.

So he waited to tell him how he felt. He needed to learn how to stand on his own two feet first.

It’s hard and scary to ask for help. It meant talking about everything he had been trying to push away into the far reaches of his mind and ignore for so long now. But when it’s out and he’s finally able to let it be real, he starts to see how small his fears have been this whole time. They looked so monstrous and intimidating when he was by himself but now… He could start to heal.

The process is slow, and he puts effort forward in other areas as well. He takes up Michael on those cooking lessons and they are as disastrous and silly as he thought they’d be. But when Michael takes a bite out of the lasagna he worked so hard on and tells him it’s delicious, his heart fills with joy and he wants to do it all over again.

He knocks on Michael’s door one night. He hadn’t fallen asleep yet either, just lying on his bed while scrolling through his phone. He invited Jeremy in with open arms.

“Nightmares?” He asked, lifting the blanket over Jeremy and tucking him in beside him. 

Jeremy closed his eyes and smiled, resting his head against Michael’s chest. “Nope.” He replied, content.

“Did you… wanna talk about stuff or something?”

Michael seemed to be searching Jeremy for an answer, but he didn’t have one to give. Not one he could say out loud just yet. 

“Nope.” He replied. He draped his arm over Michael’s stomach and hugged him close with a small squeeze. Michael put his head back down on the pillow.

“Okay.”

The summer months disappear behind them and the leaves start to brighten in the cool air. Classes would start again soon. His phone buzzed as he waited on a chair at the front of their favourite chinese food place, killing time while their order was being prepared.

KornKing3000: so  
KornKing3000: r u gonna tell him or what

Oh jeez. Jeremy’s fingers nervously hovered over the keyboard before typing out a response.

Player_One_Heere: Uhhhhhhh yeah! Eventually.  
KornKing3000: dude whyyyyyy are you taking so long?????? has this shit not been going on for long enough michael has been waiting on this for 10 years just tell him already jfc  
Player_One_Heere: Idk! I’m waiting for the right time I guess? It’s hard!  
KornKing3000: wtf u mean hard?? u kno hes gonna say yes what the shit are you afraid of????

Jeremy was afraid of a lot of things. Messing it up. Embarrassing himself. Ruining the perfect moment. Disappointing him. Not getting his feelings across. What would he even say? He had tried to write a script out for himself a few weeks ago, but got so nervous about Michael accidentally seeing it that he ripped it up and flushed it down the toilet. It had been dumb and cheesy sounding anyway.

Player_One_Heere: idk I mean we have a nice thing going right now. I don’t really wanna ruin it. I’m cool with how we are now.  
KornKing3000: jereMIAH NO! think of poor michael pls dude just fuckin tell him so you can smooch and get actual married instead of platonic married like u already are ughhhhhhhhhhhh  
Player_One_Heere: Platonic married????  
KornKing3000: idk mike had a proposal planned or some shit back before u found out but REGARDLESS  
Player_One_Heere: !?!???????@??@?? whHA ?!????@?nnnc/???

“Order for Mell?” The woman at the counter called out. Jeremy shot out of his seat, face as red as a tomato, and fumbled around nervously as he paid for it. He speed-walked out of the restaurant with the heavy bag of food in his hand.

He felt his phone buzzing repeatedly in his pocket.

KornKing3000: BITCH  
KornKing3000: if u dont hurry the F up i will do it for you  
KornKing3000: i have the receipts dont you fukin underestimate me  
Player_One_Heere: pls pls pls no pls no i’ll do it

He nervously typed with his one hand as fast as he could.

KornKing3000: aight if u need any help plannin for ideas im ur dude k  
Player_One_Heere: ok thanks

He thought for a few seconds, and then sent another message.

Player_One_Heere: actually  
Player_One_Heere: which one of these shows do you think michael would like the most?

He spends weeks preparing. He does research, makes notes, consults Korn, goes through old mixtapes that Michael and him had made for each other years ago. Everything was in place. He nervously ordered Michael to leave his plans open for the weekend.

“Uh… okay…?” He said in response, a suspicious eyebrow raised at Jeremy. He looked away, not able to meet his eyes.

“G-G-Good! It’s settled. And, uh- m-make sure you pack nice clothes. For at least two days. Cool?” His fingers fidgeted rapidly with his shirt collar.

“What’s this for?” He asked.

Jeremy coughed. “It’s just a s-s-surprise.”

Michael gave him a strange look for a moment, almost like he was worried. “You’ve been stuttering around me a lot more lately.” Jeremy went pale, like he was frightened, and Michael immediately backpedalled. “It’s fine dude! I just… wanted to make sure you’re ok. We’re ok?” He asked quietly, bending down slightly to meet Jeremy’s downcast eyes. He nodded quickly.

Early that Saturday morning, Jeremy woke up with a start to the alarm he had set on his phone, directly under his face to make extra certain that it woke him up. It also nearly burst his eardrums and gave him a heart attack, but it did the trick. He looked beside him, eyes adjusting to the light, and saw Michael stir slightly. He quietly snuck out of bed, making sure Michael didn’t wake up.

With determined practice, he threw together as elaborate a breakfast as he could successfully pull off, which he had decided was scrambled eggs, fruit, and pillsbury cinnamon buns. His timing wasn’t perfect, so the eggs got a little cold while he finished up everything else. He was flitting around the kitchen making finishing touches when he heard the floor creak and Michael stumbled out of the bedroom, rubbing his eyes.

“Jer?” He croaked out in a tired voice, squinting at the table, all set up. “You made breakfast?”

Jeremy hurriedly made his plate for him and scurried over, placing it on the place mat.

Michael sat down and saw the steaming hot tray of freshly baked cinnamon buns. He gasped and immediately reached for one. “Oh man, cinnamon buns?!” As he pulled one apart from the rest, Jeremy yelled out.

“Wait, I didn’t check if they were cooked all the way-” He watched as Michael took an enormous bite, burning his mouth due to how hot it was. “-through.” He looked nervously at the center of the pastry, then relaxed when he realized it was fine. Michael smiled like he was in heaven as he chewed.

“So?” Michael dragged out the word as they ate their breakfast together. “What’s the plan for today?”

Jeremy smirked timidly. “You’ll see. You should wear something comfortable for the car ride, but make sure you have something fancy for when we get there.” He instructed, enjoying being so secretive. Michael was always really good at keeping surprises. It was so hard for Jeremy to hide things, he always wanted to just come out and spoil them instantly. But this was important. It had to be perfect. He held it in the best that he could.

When they went out to the car Jeremy jumped into the driver’s seat, grabbing something out of his bag before gently tucking it into the back seat behind him. Step number two, he said to himself as Michael buckled himself in. He opened the CD case in his hands, looking at his scribbled words on the cover of the disk - ‘Roadtrip Nostalgia Jam’. He quickly shoved it into the slot.

He waited with anticipation for Michael’s reaction as he started the car, the late 90s synth piano drifting out of the speakers. Instantly, he burst into laughter. “Fucking Blue (Da Ba Dee)?” He wheezed. “I haven’t heard this song in years! Oh my god Jeremy what the hell kind of mix did you make us?”

He shrugged with a goofy grin on his face. “Something to last us the trip. We’re going to be driving for a while.”

“Dude, where the hell are we going?”

“You’ll see!”

They talked as each of the songs went by, singing along, bringing up old memories and laughing at old jokes. It was already starting to make Jeremy emotional. Michael held his gut as he recovered from a laughing fit, something about the way Jeremy used to say the word ‘pear’.

“Peer!” He giggled, mocking him. “It’s ‘Peer’, Michael!”

“Aw, shut up you dork.” He said with a happy blush on his face. The car came to a stop at a red light and Jeremy stretched out his back a bit, starting to feel cramped. They had known each other for 15 years now. That was practically their whole lives. They grew up side by side, sharing each experience like an inseparable unit. It was never just ‘Jeremy’ when they were kids, it was ‘Jeremy and Michael’. He had been there through all of the good moments, like the time that he came along their family camping trip. They had shared a tent and roasted marshmallows and even caught a frog at some point. He had been there through the hard times as well, like when his mom left. It was because of him that Jeremy was the person he was today.

And he wanted to spend the rest of his life with him too. 

A giddy feeling bubbled in his chest and he felt his face flush a deep red. “M-Michael!” He burst out at him, voice strangely squeaky. “I… Um…”

“Dude, the light is green!” Michael interrupted, pointing forward. He turned back toward the front and quickly resumed the drive. “What were you saying just now?”

“Nothing!”

Oh god. That was mortifying. He was such an idiot, it was way too early to say anything! 

He tried his best to enjoy the rest of the car ride and not worry too much about screwing up or what he was going to say. That was for later.

A while later, Jeremy pulled into a street that was packed with cars. He leaned over and pointed to a poster hanging off of a street light. “There, Mikey. That’s what we’re coming here to see.” Michael followed the direction he was pointing, and when he saw the sign his jaw dropped.

“No way!! Jeremy, we came all the way out here for Evil Dead?!” He had a ridiculous grin on his face as he looked from Jeremy to the poster and back again. “Oh my god!”

Korn and Jeremy had both agreed that Michael would love going to see Evil Dead the Musical over anything else that was playing at the time. He loved cheesy horror movies, and he had been talking about wanting to see it ever since he had heard it existed. After pulling into a parking garage, they discreetly changed clothes in the car and headed over to the theatre for the show. They were a perfect 45 minutes early, just like Jeremy had planned, and they used that time to tour around the enormous building a bit and buy their snacks.

The music was silly and catchy and Michael laughed at the all the jokes. He looked like he was over the moon. Jeremy enjoyed it for the most part, but he spent most of the show sneaking glances over at Michael and watching his reactions. 

At one point, during a slow, romantic song, Michael peeked over at him and their eyes met. Neither of them looked away. The words popped into his head again and he wanted to say them so badly. I love you. I love you. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Then laughter rung through the theatre and Michael’s attention was tugged back to the stage.

No, Jeremy! What were you thinking? That was a horrible time to make a confession! Not yet! He yelled at himself.

After the show was over, Jeremy led them to the place they were having dinner. When Michael saw the name of the place, his jaw dropped.

“W-wha- Jeremy we can’t eat here!”

Shaking his head dismissively, he grabbed Michael’s hand and pulled him into the restaurant. He gawked up at the ornamented ceilings and sparkling chandeliers. He told the host his name for the reservation and they were led to their white-clothed table. Michael seemed hesitant to sit down, nervous about his poor, college-student-debt ass sullying the polished, silver-lined seat.

As they looked over the menus, Michael winced at the prices. “Dude we can’t afford this!” He whispered to Jeremy frantically, using his menu to shield his mouth from the other patrons. 

“It’s alright, I’m covering it.” His answer seemed to make Michael even more stressed. 

“Oh my god… are you sure? We don’t have to do this, I’d be happy with some, like, McDonalds or whatever.” He urged him, but Jeremy shook his head no. Michael went back to the menu, a worried furrow in his brow. He took forever looking through it, not able to make a decision.

Jeremy didn’t even need to look at his menu, having studied it well beforehand. “Mikey, you can get a steak if you want. I know you do.” He looked at him with a knowing smile, and Michael glared back.

“These steaks are like $70!”

“Yeah, so? I’m getting one.” He gloated, leaning his chin on his hands. “Go ahead and get the prime rib.” Michael seemed to blush a little when Jeremy knew exactly what he had been looking at. 

Their dinner was delicious, and for dessert the waiter brought them fancy s’mores, complete with a miniature bowl of fire right on their plate to roast the marshmallows on. The boys were transfixed, they couldn’t get over how cool it was.

It wouldn’t be bad if he said it now, right? While Michael was making such a goofy expression, roasting his marshmallow delicately and precisely, his tongue stuck slightly out of his mouth. The blue fire reflected in his glasses and Jeremy gazed at him and he loved him so, so much. It would be like those cheesy romances where the guy proposes at the dinner table.

He could do it… It was time. His heart rate elevated and he shakily put down his skewer, clearing his throat. “Um, Michael? I… I wanted to… to tell you something.” Michael looked up at him as he placed his marshmallow between two chocolate-coated crackers. “I… I’ve been thinking…” It was so hard to get the words out. His voice was wavering and cracking. Michael’s eyes broke away from his and suddenly went wide. 

“Dude! Marshmallow!”

Jeremy saw a large flame erupting from his plate, and found that he had rested his skewer right on top of the fire bowl. He quickly grabbed the flaming marshmallow and dunked it into his water glass, extinguishing it. They both sighed with relief.

They left the restaurant mortified.

After dinner, Jeremy brought them to the hotel he had booked - a one-bedroom suite, obviously, and he didn’t think that Michael would mind that. He had set it up ahead of time for the staff to prepare them champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries for before they arrived, and he was relieved to see them sitting on the table.

Michael shot him a look when they entered the room. “Jeremy… what is this?”

He seemed to be asking about the entire night, not just the hotel, or the strawberries. Jeremy had an answer for him, but it seemed to be stuck in his throat, refusing to come up. He shrugged and grinned awkwardly. “Just a… thing! A special thing.” He touched his fingers together shyly. Suddenly remembering, he reached into his bag and started to pull something out, bulky and tangled together. Step five, he said to himself. “Speaking of special things… look what I brought for tonight!” He held the small console in front of his chest, cords dangling messily. “Apocalypse of the Damned!”

They played for hours, drinking champagne, eating strawberries, until they could barely keep their eyes open. Once they started walking their characters into walls and dying within seconds of respawning, Jeremy decided that it was time to turn in for the night. He turned off the console and Michael let out a long yawn. “Come on,” Jeremy held his hand out for him and he took it, allowing him to lead him into the bed.

Jeremy turned off the light and flopped into the pillowy bed beside Michael, spreading his arms out wide. It was enormous, and he wasn’t used to having so much room. He rolled over closer to him, pulling a pillow under his head and sighing out, drained from a stressful, event-filled day. 

He heard Michael whisper to him in the darkness, facing him. “Hey, Jer?”

“Yeah, Michael?”

“I love you. So much. Thank you for everything.” 

Jeremy’s heart lurched. It was now or never. He went to speak… but his mouth was glued shut. He had to say it. Just say it. Don’t be afraid, he urged himself. But it was like he was frozen. Michael made it seem so easy. It was so frustrating, he knew exactly what he wanted to say and he knew that Michael felt the same way but it was like everything was on the line here, their friendship, their future together… everything.

Michael seemed to get nervous at how silent Jeremy was. “Oh, man, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make it weird, forget I said anything.” This night was supposed to be perfect, and this was the perfect moment, but Jeremy couldn’t do it. And now he was making Michael worried.

He felt his shoulders shake as he held back tears of frustration. Michael gasped in shock. “Oh shit, I’m sorry Jeremy, please don’t cry!” He felt Michael touch his hand to his cheek and Jeremy put his hand over it, grounding himself and trying to pull himself together.

“Michael, I- I’m just so… scared, I can’t- I’m trying, but I-”

Michael jerked his hand away from Jeremy and he let out a shocked noise at the sudden loss of contact. It made him want to cry even harder. There was a moment of silence before Michael sat up in the bed, turned away from Jeremy. “No, it’s… It’s cool Jeremy. I’ll go sleep on the couch. I’d never want you to be scared of me-”

“No!” Jeremy shot up and grabbed Michael’s upper arm. In the darkness he could see a small glistening of tears at the corner of his eyes. He didn’t look at Jeremy. “No, that’s not what I mean, I’m- I’m not scared of you, I’m scared of- of-!”

“Of what?” Michael prodded. Jeremy took a second before squeaking out a response, barely loud enough for Michael to hear.

“Of messing everything up.”

Michael looked at him with a confused expression. “What is there to mess up? Jeremy…”

Jeremy squeezed his arm again before dropping it down to the bed, and he felt Michael reach out and take his hand gently, caressing his fingers. His chest burned. He sat there, looking up into his eyes, opening his mouth as if he were about to say something, but having nothing come out but an exasperated breath of air.

Michael leaned in closer to him. He didn’t move away, looking from from his eyes, to his lips, and back again. “Just… say what’s on your mind.”

And he realized that if he couldn’t get his feelings across in words, he could in another way. With a tiny urgency, he pushed himself forward, not having to go very far at all, and pressed his lips against Michael’s. He was warm, and gentle, and soft, and Jeremy felt a tingly rush flow through his body from his head and down his shoulders and back. It ended much too quickly, with Michael pulling away slowly, a dazed look on his face.

“J-Jeremy… are you…” He breathed out, unsure of what was happening. Jeremy’s face flushed and he slammed his head into Michael’s chest, trying to hide. “Wait… wait, what… what did you… mean by that?” He pulled Jeremy away from him, holding his upper arms. He threw his hands in front of his face, refusing to let him see. “Jeremy, you have to explain this, I… Was that a, uh ‘i like you’ kiss or- or- a ‘here’s a gift for being there for me even though I’m not into you’ kinda, uh-” Jeremy socked him in the arm lightly, exposing his pouting, blushing, terrified expression.

Michael stared at him, amazed. “Do you… love me, Jeremy?”

He squeezed his eyes shut before nodding. He felt Michael touch his cheek once more and he opened them again, looking into his affectionate, blissful eyes. Jeremy reached out and cupped Michael’s face with both hands, pulling him towards him. He kissed him a second, a third time, and he felt like his heart was going to burst. He had never felt like this with anyone else before. It was more exciting and fulfilling than he had ever imagined.

“Am I dreaming?” Michael laughed out breathily. Jeremy responded by kissing him more, on his cheek, his forehead, his nose, the corner of his mouth, and then his lips again. Each kiss he gave him he filled with his unsaid words, I love you, I love you, I love you.

The dozed off together, and he is lulled to sleep by the gentle touch of Michael’s hand stroking his hair. He hoped he had gotten his feelings across properly.

The next morning, Jeremy woke up first, cradled in Michael’s arms. He breathed in his comforting scent, reaching his arms around to embrace him tightly. He felt him nuzzle into his hair and grinned. He felt different. In a lighter, giddy way. Like all of his pretence had been finally pushed away, allowing him to just… do these things without worrying about it, what Michael would think, what it meant, who he was going to hurt. It was like he was finally free.

After a few peaceful moments, he pulled himself out of bed, shivering at the cold hair that hit him outside of the covers. He sluggishly placed his feet on the ground and walked over to the kitchenette to make coffee. 

One milk, three sugars for Michael. Three milk, two sugars for himself. He knew exactly how he’d want it. The smell of freshly brewed coffee made Michael stir. Jeremy went over to the bed, both cups in his hands. As he walked over he suddenly saw Michael shoot up in bed, a freaked out look on his face, and it made him jump, nearly spilling the hot liquid all over himself.

“Jesus, Mikey.” He cursed lightly, calming himself. Michael stared at him with wide eyes. “Good morning.” He continued, extending the coffee towards him. He took it, moving slowly like he was suspicious of him for something, and gazed into the cup. “So.” Jeremy spoke up. “I didn’t really plan anything for today, but since we’re in the city, do you want to do some shopping?”

Michael didn’t respond, not looking up from his coffee. “Michael?” He called, and he snapped out of his daze. 

“Uh, yeah! Sure dude! Shopping! Sounds good!” He quickly took a gulp of his coffee, which Jeremy knew was way too hot for him to drink. He watched him wince and gasp.

Michael was obviously nervous. Maybe he didn’t know how to act around Jeremy? Or maybe he was starting to regret his decision? As his worried thoughts began to flood into his mind he took a breath and spoke calmly to himself. It’s was just his anxiety talking. That wasn’t realistic. He had liked him for this long already, he was probably just embarrassed about what happened. Everything was good.

While Michael was in the shower, he pulled out his phone and found a message waiting for him on skype. It had been sent at 4am this morning.

KornKing3000: pls pls pls pls update update how did it go!?!?!?!?

He smiled and typed out his reply. Unsurprisingly, he instantly saw the ‘KornKing3000 is typing’ message pop up.

Player_One_Heere: It went well!!!! Mission successful!!  
KornKing3000: DEETS ASAP  
KornKing3000: i cant believe michael hasnt messaged me about it yet the FUCKER  
Player_One_Heere: Well, the date was great, and he loved the show, and then we got to the hotel room and I got really nervous but I did it!! I got my feelings across!!  
KornKing3000: oh boy a steamy confession between two sexually frustrated boys, alone in their hotel room cant imagine how THAT went  
Player_One_Heere: we did NOT!!!! But we did kiss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was !!!!!!!!!! Perfect !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
KornKing3000: you cant see it, but i am wiping a tear from my eye at this moment, so damn proud of u stupid fuckers  
Player_One_Heere: :’) :’) :’) :’) :’)

He tucked away his phone as he heard the water shut off. After a moment he heard Michael call out from the bathroom. He went over to the door. “What’s up Michael?” 

“I- I forgot to- Can you grab me my bag?” He spoke nervously through the door. He didn’t know why he wouldn’t just grab it himself, he could just wrap a towel around himself if he was embarrassed about Jeremy seeing him. He knocked, bag in hand, and Michael opened it a crack, sticking his arm through and feeling around until he blindly grabbed it.

He came out a few minutes later fully dressed, blushing slightly with a furrowed expression. He had his phone in his hand. “Korn just sent me a bunch of angry messages, and I have no idea why.”

Jeremy reached out. “Let me see?” He read the messages, imagining him screaming angrily at Michael.

KornKing3000: BITCH!!!  
KornKing3000: AFTER EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU  
KornKing3000: TO SHOW ME SUCH DISRESPECT  
KornKing3000: FUCK YOU!!!!

He laughed. “Yeah, he’s pissed.” He looked at Michael and noticed something. “I’ve never seen that shirt before. Is it new?” He was wearing a grey striped polo shirt, and he looked really nice in it. Michael looked down nervously.

“Uh, yeah, actually. I didn’t really know what we were going to be doing for this trip so I went out… Bought something… Just in case…” He scratched his nose. Jeremy’s heart jumped in his chest at the thought that Michael was actually worried about what he was wearing… on a trip with him.

“You look… amazing.” He said, flushing as the words left his mouth. Michael flinched at the compliment like he had said something incomprehensible. 

As they were on their way down the elevator, Michael seemed to squirm as if he wanted to ask him something. Jeremy glanced at his hands, which were fiddling with his shirt collar. “Jeremy, did- did we…” He shook his head rapidly. “Did we r-remember to pack the console?”

Jeremy patted the bag he was carrying. “Yep! No worries!” Michael seemed to deflate for some reason. The rest of the day was fun, they hit a bunch of places they had never been to before, picking up some rare games at a second-hand store. Michael seemed lost in his own thoughts the entire time. 

Jeremy had his own problems on his mind. Like… what exactly he should even be doing now. Were they dating now? The word sounded a little distant for what he felt like they had. Should they be acting more like a couple? He spent a good while staring at Michael’s hand, debating on whether to hold it or not, but he wasn’t sure if Michael would be okay with public affection. He never really saw him being very touchy with Daniel outside of the apartment.

He did not want to think of Daniel right now.

Had he done something wrong already? He thought to himself as they were driving back home. It was dark already, and Michael was asleep in the passenger seat. He looked so cute with his cheek pressed against the door of the car. He made sure to drive as gently as possible as not to wake him up. Things had been weird between them the whole day. It felt like they were even further apart than they were yesterday, instead of closer. He sighed.

When they arrived back at the apartment, he shook Michael awake and he laughed at the line of drool that Jeremy was able to catch a glimpse of before he quickly wiped it away, embarrassed. They threw something simple together for a lazy dinner and sat together on the couch, plates in hand.

It was a tired silence, not an awkward one, Jeremy told himself. You didn’t ruin everything. You didn’t. Michael’s voice brought him out of his thoughts.

“I had a great time, dude. Thanks for… everything.” He said. There was something insecure in his voice. Anxiety bundled in Jeremy’s stomach.

He put on a smile and nudged his arm. “You already thanked me, but I’m glad you had fun.”

“So, why did you do this anyways? You spoiled the shit out of me for like, no reason.” He asked him. Jeremy shrunk down a bit, dreading actually talking about it.

“Well, I, uh… I thought it was obvious…” He mumbled, looking at his food.

Michael gave him an incredulous look. “What? I have no idea, why?”

He groaned internally. “I… I wanted to… uh. The thing…? That I… urgh.” He scratched the back of his neck. “Well, I mean, I guess I never really… told you. But you know… that.” He was a blushing, stuttering mess. Michael just stared at him blankly. Did he really have to say it? “You know, the… the kiss.” He whispered the last word like it was something forbidden.

Michael shouted out suddenly. “It wasn’t a dream!?” He slammed his hand over his mouth, horrified that he had said that out loud.

Jeremy gawked at him. “You… you mean… you’ve been acting weird all day because… you thought last night was a d-” He started to cackle wildly.

“S-shut up!!” He shrieked over Jeremy’s laughter. “I mean, you didn’t say anything, and what was I gonna say if it had been a dream!? ‘Oh dude I think we smooched last night, or was that just another one of my weird fantasies again?’ Like, what was I supposed to do?!”

Jeremy had to put down his food or he was going to spill everything all over the place, he was laughing so hard. Michael covered his face with his hand, a huge blush covering his cheeks. He eventually calmed down and leaned on Michael’s shoulder, a goofy grin on his face. He was so relieved.

He felt Michael fiddling with the hem of his shirt. “Jer, can… Can I… K- Uh…” Jeremy looked up at him, understanding. He waited for the words to come, but all Michael seemed to be able to do was stutter incoherently.

“Michael.” He said, a gentle fondness in his eyes. “Ask me once, and you’ll never need to ask me again.”

He took a determined breath, and spoke. “Can I kiss you?”

“Yes.” He replied, eyes half lidded, already leaning towards him. Michael put his hand on the back of Jeremy’s neck, making him gasp quietly. He pulled him in, closing the distance between them, and their lips pressed together sweetly. They separated for a brief moment, looking in each other’s eyes, before coming together once more in a deeper, more passionate kiss than ever before. Michael’s hands threaded through Jeremy’s hair and he absolutely loved it. He pulled Michael’s body towards him by his waist, wanting him closer. 

Then suddenly Michael’s lips parted from him, shocking him as he tried to follow and got nothing but air. He opened his eyes, dizzy, and saw his tender expression.

“I love you, Jeremy.” He said, stroking the side of his face. Jeremy leaned into the touch, burning with embarrassment. He put his head on his shoulder and mumbled out his response as best as he could.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading the story!! I can't tell you all how much all of your comments and support have meant to me over the course of posting this fic. Thank you!! This isn't the end, I will probably post some various, small snippets of their lives from previous parts of the story as well as after - but it won't be on such a regular schedule, just when I can!
> 
> I'll probably be needing a bit of a break, especially with my wedding coming up, but I hope you continue to enjoy this silly little fanfiction of mine <3<3
> 
> Remember that I'm MrsLovelyPears on tumblr - I'd love if you came to chat with me!!!! Bye now <3


	16. Bonus: Best Man Korn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What are friends for? Helping each other with their sexual frustration, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The rating had to be raised for this one oops, thankfully there will be other explicit chapters later, so this isn't too much of a tease for people who were expecting more.
> 
> LMAO I didn't plan on writing this bonus, but for some reason it's here, wow. It's goofy, but I love writing these two interacting, oops. There are still other bonus chapters coming, I have like, 4 already in progress and at least one more planned after those. Writers block sucks, but progress is still happening! Hope you enjoy this silly thing!!
> 
> YEAH AND CREDIT TO ACINDRA FOR THE STELLAR IDEA FOR THE PLUSHIE, Sandshrew is absolutely Michael's fav pokemon. ilu cin <3<3

**KornKing3000** : so he seriously… jacks it every morning?  
**WakaWaka** : yep  
**KornKing3000** : ….. who does that  
**WakaWaka** : I mean, I guess, when you have time, you have time.  
**KornKing3000** : … ??????? no???? thats some actual dedication wtf  
**WakaWaka** : Yeah hes always kinda been like that  
**KornKing3000** : what horny as fuck?  
**KornKing3000** : bc same  
**WakaWaka** : sdfkjhgfd please ;;;;;

Michael sighed out loud to his computer screen. The room was pitch black, his monitor a stark bright light in the darkness. Even the moonlight was blocked out by Michael’s blackout curtains. One could say that this kind of lighting was bad on your eyes, and Michael would agree, pointing to his glasses and throbbing headache. This didn’t make him change a thing.

He had been ranting at Korn, a usual occurrence. This morning he had nearly walked in on Jeremy’s morning ritual yet again, but he had thankfully caught himself beforehand. Breakfast had been a little awkward. For Michael at least. It was hard not to think of your crush in a lewd way after hearing moans emitting from his laptop speakers.

 **WakaWaka** : Why did I have to fall in love with his idiot…. He doesn’t even use headphones when he watches porn, I can literally hear everything through his door  
**KornKing3000** : everything ? ?  
**WakaWaka** : wait

Michael flushed, immediately realizing what Korn was thinking. He stared with dread at the _KornKing3000 is typing_ notification.

 **KornKing3000** : alright 2 things about what you just said: 1, you listen outside of his door wow michael kinky and 2, you can hear. everything  
**WakaWaka** : THATS NOT WHAT I MEANT  
**KornKing3000** : omg do u like… get off to him getting off duuuuuuuuude thats fuckin  
**KornKing3000** : wow

He typed out his reply furiously, his face burning with embarrassment. If he was honest… He’d fantasized about doing exactly that, but he had never gone through with it, for obvious reasons. One being he had goddamn self restraint. The thought of both Jeremy and him touching each other at the same time, even in different rooms... just that created an excited, burning feeling low in his stomach.

 **WakaWaka** : I DO NOT!!! OH MY GOD!!! I do not fucking do that!! NO!! I barely even let myself think about him when I jack it it just feels, idk, mean?? I feel really guilty.  
**WakaWaka** : jesus christ, Korn

He didn’t quite know how to word exactly how he felt. ‘Mean’ didn’t quite encapsulate it. He felt rotten, sneaky, untrustworthy, just generally bad. Which is why being around Jeremy was starting to feel so awkward. The thoughts about him were getting more frequent, incessant. Probably for a few reasons. Like living together. Living together meant dealing with things like Jeremy’s morning ritual, Jeremy walking around in nothing but a towel after a shower, Jeremy in his boxers, bending over to get something out of the fridge. Michael swallowed, shaking the thoughts out of his head. Korn took a moment before responding. 

**KornKing3000** : yeah i get what you mean, thats fair.  
**KornKing3000** : if it makes you feel better I totally fuckin wanked it to Theo all the fuckin time tho  
**WakaWaka** : sdkjfhg …. Wow okay.

His hands hesitated over the keyboard. For some reason, he felt overly honest today. He needed to get this off of his chest, and Korn was always there to listen. 

**WakaWaka** : Can I be honest??  
**KornKing3000** : were you not honest before ?? bro look at what we are talking about right now you can literally say anything to me ever and i will not care how weird it is. im here and queer and ready to listen  
**WakaWaka** : … Dude thats such a nice thing to say  
**KornKing3000** : ( ˘ ³˘)♥  
**WakaWaka** : Oh my god

Michael smiled to himself. Korn was a great friend. He didn’t always word things kindly, or sincerely, but the intent was there.

 **WakaWaka** : Alright, so, uh  
**WakaWaka** : Remember how I told you Jeremy walked in on me the other day  
**KornKing3000** : im still reeling from that tbh, i cant. fucking. believe.  
**KornKing3000** : but yeah continue  
**WakaWaka** : I’ve felt really weird about mastrubating ever since then?? Like more guilty than usual. Like maybe him walking in on me was a warning “dont do that shit anymore, you creepy weirdo”

He sat forward, resting his elbows on his desk and leaning his face onto his hand. Korn seemed to be typing a long message, and Michael waited nervously for his response. 

**KornKing3000** : You’re not a creepy weirdo, dude. And also, you guys are roommates, it was bound to happen eventually. It’s a fact of nature that if two people live with each other, they are going to have some embarrassing fucking moments involving their junk.  
**WakaWaka** : ………………. Thats… fair.  
**WakaWaka** : I mean I wouldn’t be that bothered but I’ve just been so  
**WakaWaka** : sexually frustrated  
**WakaWaka** : ever since

His fingers typed out the words before his embarrassment could stop him. It felt pretty good to rant and let out all of his stresses. But then he grew nervous when no response came.

 **WakaWaka** : …. Dude?  
**WakaWaka** : Did I cross the tmi line  
**KornKing3000** : sigh  
**KornKing3000** : i knew this day would come  
**KornKing3000** : alright, michael, i’m game, let’s do this

Suddenly his mind was blank. He stared at those words dumbly, trying to figure out what the hell that was supposed to mean. He was… game… to do what? Was this in response to his ‘sexual frustration’? If not, he wasn’t sure what else it was supposed to be about. And if it was… what the entire hell was he insinuating? Michael’s fingers flew to his keyboard, typing erratically.

 **WakaWaka** : ??!????? do WHAT???? Wahat??? What???!????? ????????????  
**KornKing3000** : lets fucking roleplay, i’ll be jeremy for you  
**WakaWaka** : WHAT!?!??! WHAT THE FUCK NO! WHY  
**WakaWaka** : IN WHAT UNIVERSE DID WHATEVER I SAID LEAD YOU TO THE CONCLUSION THAT I WANTED THAT

He could not believe this. Where had this come from?! He vaguely remembered Korn saying he roleplayed occasionally - actually, come to think of it, he had asked Michael if he wanted to rp before, but that was for some show that Korn and him had been into at the time. Michael had refused, mostly because he was kind of garbage at writing and he found it really hard to come up with creative ideas. It wasn’t really for him.

But this was not some regular rp offer - Korn was seriously offering to pretend to be Jeremy for him? For what?! The only thing he could mean was… 

**KornKing3000** : you didnt have to ask, mikey boy, its what you need and i know it  
**WakaWaka** : dude ?? you have ?? a boyfriend???  
**KornKing3000** : michael im not making advances on you im doing this for you as your bro, thats all, lol. like i love you man but not like that youre not my type

That was slightly relieving, although he didn’t really need to be reassured. Hoping to change the topic, he asked Korn a question. 

**WakaWaka** : What’s your type then? What kind of a dude is your boyfriend?  
**KornKing3000** : twink extraordinaire, cute as fuck, innocent and pure so like, the opposite of you??  
**WakaWaka** : I feel so strangely insulted…  
**KornKing3000** : alright so how do you wanna start this

Michael squirmed in his seat, slamming his blushing face in his hands. He did not want to do this. It was going to be so weird. How was Korn not embarrassed? How could he seriously offer something like this to Michael? Was he just trying to mess with him?

 **WakaWaka** : We are not!! Doing this!! I’m not fucking text fucking you pretending to be Jeremy!!  
**KornKing3000** : listen  
**KornKing3000** : as your therapist  
**WakaWaka** : yOU ARE NOT  
**KornKing3000** : come on itll be fine itll be cathartic, just let out your stress man  
**WakaWaka** : ??? Are you fucking serious???  
**KornKing3000** : hell yeah i am broseph

The reality of the situation crashed down on him. Was he really going to do this? Wasn’t this worse than just imagining him in his head? He was actually going to _write out_ what he wanted to do to Jeremy? His heartbeat quickened. He had been really limiting himself. Bottling everything up. Maybe… maybe letting it out would help things be less awkward between him and Jeremy? Finally having convinced himself, he allowed himself to type a response.

 **WakaWaka** : I  
**WakaWaka** : Well,  
**WakaWaka** : Okay lets… try. BUT! IF IT GETS TOO WEIRD WE ARE STOPPING IMMEDIATELY  
**WakaWaka** : WAIT I GOTTA  
**WakaWaka** : I GOTTA CHECK IF JER’S ASLEEP I DONT WANT HIM TO WALK IN ON THIS IF HE SAW ID DIE

Michael pushed himself up from his desk and quietly snuck out of his room. His slippers softened his steps as he walked the short distance to Jeremy’s door. He pressed his ear to the door briefly, hearing nothing.

Taking a breath and holding it in his lungs, he turned the doorknob as slowly and quietly as he could, peering into the room a crack. The soft blue light from Jeremy’s night light illuminated his sleeping face. Michael crumbled.

Jeremy had tossed off all of the covers, possibly from being overheated at one point, but now he was curled up on himself, shivering slightly. His hair was already messy and tousled, and his mouth was lolled open and drooling. A Sandshrew plushie was snuggled in his arms, pulled to his chest tightly. It was Michael’s, actually. But it was kept in Jeremy’s room with the other plushies that they had collected over the years, all piled together in a crowded display on top of Jeremy’s dresser.

Against his worries of waking him up, Michael entered the room and pulled the blanket over Jeremy’s shivering body. Jeremy made a tiny noise, like a sigh, and nuzzled the Sandshrew - still fast asleep. Michael smiled fondly, petting his hair gently before reluctantly heading back to his room. What he wouldn’t have given to curl up beside him and hold him close, to lay a kiss on the back of his head, to fall asleep comfortably together. He would just wait patiently for Jeremy to have another night where he needed to be calmed down, and they would cuddle then. Because that’s how it was. They couldn’t do things like that without having some sort of excuse.

 **WakaWaka** : sdkfjhgdjfg Korn hes…. Hes so cute he has this little Sandshrew plush and hes got his arms wrapped all around it in the tightest hug aaaa and he was totally drooling all over it im so fucking gay  
**KornKing3000** : god u sad little man  
**KornKing3000** : time for u to get pretend-laid  
**WakaWaka** : THE MORE YOU SAY THINGS LIKE THAT THE LESS I WANT TO DO THIS  
**KornKing3000** : ok so i have a general idea of what he’s like from what youve told me so i’ll start it up because if i leave it up to you you’ll probably have an aneurism.  
**KornKing3000** : *clears throat*

Michael braced himself, not sure what to expect. Korn seemed to type forever, which only made his heartbeat race faster. As soon as the message sent he nearly jumped up to read it.

 **KornKing3000** : _Jeremy lies on Michael’s bed, waiting for him to come home. He’s wearing nothing but a sheer, frilly lingerie top and tiny panties with a little bow which are barely containing his fully erect cock. His cheeks are flushed and his arms are raised above his head, a ribbon is looped around the bedpost and tied around his wrists, holding them in place. He whines to himself “Where’s Michael… he’s keeping me waiting… I want him so badly.”_

Michael smacked his face into his hands and pushed up from his chair, walking backwards until he fell onto his bed. He rolled around, grabbing his pillow and screeching into it to dampen the sound. His legs bounced on the mattress with silent, flustered energy.

 _What an image._

That wasn’t something he should like as much as he did. It was so fantastical, he didn’t see Jeremy as the type of person who would ever wear something like that, or say something as ridiculously enticing as that about Michael. But god, if it didn’t make his chest burn thinking about it.

He threw the pillow back onto the bed and dragged himself back over to the computer.

 **KornKing3000** : ((u alright dude?))  
**KornKing3000** : ((dont tell me u nutted already))  
**WakaWaka** : ((IM SORRY I JUST HAD TO SCREAM INTO MY PILLOw FOR A SEC THERE))  
**WakaWaka** : ((WHY IS HE IN LINGERIE))  
**KornKing3000** : ((why not????? u totally dig it i knew it i probably have all ur kinks pegged lmao))

Korn didn’t say anything after that, and Michael realized that he was probably waiting for a response. 

**WakaWaka** : ((IDK WHAT THE FUCK TO DO))  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy hears someone at the door “Michael? Is that you?”_  
**WakaWaka** : uhhhh  
**WakaWaka** : yes?  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy tugs at the ribbon chaining him to the bedpost and arches his back, lusting for Michael. “Please… I need you.”_

Reading that sentence, Michael went lightheaded. He felt so lewd thinking of Jeremy like this, but he couldn’t help but picture it. A broken sounding voice, full of want, the bend of his back, the thrust of his hips, his exposed, dripping cock, legs spread all for Michael. He felt his own dick reacting to his thoughts and squeezed his legs together.

 **WakaWaka** : ((I think i’m going to die why would you write that))  
**KornKing3000** : ((come on, just do what you want to do))  
**WakaWaka** : I walk into the room  
**WakaWaka** : and

His heart pounded in his ears as he thought of what to do, what he could do to this strange, fake Jeremy. This caricature. This over-sexualized, uncharacteristically horny (and that was saying something, all things considered) person who… His stomach dropped as the initial dizziness of what they were doing faded, and he plummeted back to reality. This was really fucked up.

 **WakaWaka** : sdkfjghskdjfg no no nope nope i cant do this no this is too weird  
**KornKing3000** : alright, alright, fine.  
**WakaWaka** : dsfkgjhkdsjhg…

Michael sighed with relief, running his fingers through his hair. Thank god it was over. He had some new mental images he couldn’t get out of his head now, yeah, but he didn’t want to go too far. It was unfair to Jeremy. He looked down to see a new message from Korn.

 **KornKing3000** : we started too strong, we need something more grounded to reality. alright i got it.  
**WakaWaka** : wait no

So it wasn’t over after all. But for some reason, he couldn’t quite bring himself to actually stop Korn. He was too curious to find out what he would come up with this time.

 **KornKing3000** : you wear like hoodies and stuff right thats your style?  
**WakaWaka** : …? Yes??  
**KornKing3000** : okay  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy sits beside Michael on his bed, a nervous blush on his cheeks. He’s wearing Michael’s sweater, fiddling with the strings. “Hey, Michael, can I ask you a favour?”_

This was… different. So different that it freaked him out slightly. 

**WakaWaka** : ((Korn what the fuck.))  
**KornKing3000** : ((what??? i thought this was normal))  
**WakaWaka** : ((Dude it’s so fucking spot on to what he’s like how do you know this, do you have fucking cameras on me or something what??? How??))  
**KornKing3000** : ((lmao dude just type ur reply))

Michael bit his lip and typed out his response, which wasn’t too hard to come up with this time. Just what he’d regularly say if Jeremy asked him a question like that. 

**WakaWaka** : Oh, sure Jeremy. What’s up?  
**KornKing3000** : _“It’s a pretty big favour… you can say no if you want to.” Jeremy looks up at Michael with begging eyes. “Can you… help me with something?”_  
**WakaWaka** : With what?  
**KornKing3000** : _“With… this.” Jeremy grabs Michael’s hand and places it so it’s cupping the obvious, bulging erection tenting Jeremy’s jeans. “Please… Michael, you’re the only one that can help me. I need you.”_

Michael made a strangled noise, akin to a snort and a squeal. Already Korn had completely flustered him, but this time it was… somewhat worse? This time he could actually see Jeremy asking him this, in some weird, fucked up universe, but still.

 **WakaWaka** : ((1 ????!??!? ?????? ? ?? ?? !!!!!! ?!!/?!))  
**WakaWaka** : Okay, I say, and I unbutton his pants for him. ((I guess??))

He shrugged to himself with a grimace on his face as he hit enter on his keyboard, sending the message. Roleplaying was weird. He barely knew what he was doing.

 **KornKing3000** : _Jeremy sighs at the sweet release from the tight confines of his pants. “Touch me…” He looks up at Michael and he leans his face close to his. “Touch me, please…”_

Something comes over Michael, and he starts typing rapidly, whatever comes to mind, losing himself in a fantasy.

 **WakaWaka** : I put my hand on his cheek and I kiss him. I wrap my arms around him and I lean into him, holding him close to me as we kiss. It’s perfect, it’s soft, it’s sweet, it’s so warm and gosh it’s so fucking wonderful I love him so much  
**KornKing3000** : ((jfc michael youre supposed to be fucking him not marrying him the fuck))

Michael blushed furiously at Korn’s message, pouting as he typed his response.

 **WakaWaka** : ((God sorry!!!!! You said to do what I wanted!!)  
**KornKing3000** : ((wait sorry nvm, i just didnt count on that being one of your kinks, please proceed. Making a mental note on my list of Michael’s kinks, sickly sweet affection))  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy moans into Michael’s mouth, rutting against him in search of friction. He tugs at Michael’s hair roughly as they make out._

Ignoring Korns teasing, he focuses on the scenario he’s writing, and it’s really… It’s a really nice thought. He stared at the word ‘rutting’ for a while. He could almost feel Jeremy’s hips thrusting against him, the roughness of his jeans. Gulping, he worked up the courage to write what he’d do. He was full of nervous insecurity, and he took forever to type his response.

 **WakaWaka** : I reach down into his pants and I touch him, holding his dick ((?? what should i say?? Penis?? cock??)) and stroking him gently ((???)) Still kissing him… my eyes are closed and he feels really really nice and soft.  
**KornKing3000** : ((cock or dick is fine)) _Jeremy gasps at Michael’s touch, bucking up into his hand as he strokes him. “Mmf- Michael, ahn… That f-feels amazing-” He pulls away from Michaels lips and buries his face in Michael’s shoulder, breathing erratically._

Michael snorts, and it breaks the tension a little. He can’t believe Korn actually typed out “ahn” seriously. Or maybe it wasn’t serious. Sometimes he just couldn’t tell with him.

 **WakaWaka** : I turn and kiss his neck. I tell him I love him and I stroke him rougher. Then I suckle on his neck, leaving a small hickey.  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy moans out Michael’s name as he cums all over his hand. He rides out his orgasm as Michael pumps him until he’s so sensitive that he can’t take it anymore. He puts his hand over Michael’s wrist, stopping his movements. “W-wow, that was… that was really… g-good. Can I… repay the favour?”_  
**WakaWaka** : ((Holy fucking shit dude one sec I have to recover))

Michael re-read Korn’s message over and over, imagining Jeremy’s orgasm in his hand. For a moment his mind tricked him, and he felt like he needed to wash it off. His own cock throbbed, getting more and more erect with every message, every mental image that he conjured up. Michael pressed his hand in between his legs and groaned. His pajama pants were feeling a little too constricting.

 **KornKing3000** : ((omfg seriously just that, thats all it takes for you? wow))  
**WakaWaka** : ((KORN I SWEAR TO GOD, IF YOU KEEP BEING AN ASS ABOUT THIS I WILL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP))

Michael took his hand away from his aching dick and typed his honest response to the phony Jeremy.

 **WakaWaka** : You um… You don’t have to, Jeremy.  
**KornKing3000** : _“Please… I want to.” He waits for the go ahead before bending downwards and undoing Michael’s pants, wrapping his fingers around his massive boner. ((massive bro)) “Would you let me suck you off, Michael?”_  
**WakaWaka** : ((you’re on thin ice ‘bro’))

He glared at the screen. Once again, he just let himself type, not really worrying what he was doing. The actions brought a tiny smile to his face. This was starting to get kind of fun.

 **WakaWaka** : Okay, I say, and I pet his soft hair. He really likes that, the real Jeremy I mean. He asks for me to play with his hair all of the time. I love it. I can’t believe he actually asks me, and I have an actual excuse, no, actual permission to touch him like that, god, hes so beautiful.  
**KornKing3000** : ((snorts))  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy drags an experimental lick up Michael’s shaft, watching Michael’s reaction as he does. He puts his lips on the head of Michael’s cock, swirling his tongue around on the tip. Slowly he starts to bob his head up and down, taking Michael as deep as he can into his mouth. His cock hits his throat and Jeremy gags slightly, but right afterwards he moans, like he enjoyed the feeling. The moan vibrates around Michael’s cock._

Halfway through reading the paragraph Korn sent, a tingling rush flowed through Michael’s body and he shuddered. He gave in, slipping his hand down into his boxers and holding his dick, ashamed at the mess of precum already dripping from him. He tried to hold back, but a tiny whine escaped him as he pumped himself. His eyes fluttered shut briefly before he went back to the words on the screen, reading them over, bringing the image to mind, trying to imagine the feeling of Jeremy’s mouth around him instead.

Another message popped up, and his eyes flickered down to read it. As soon as he did, his hand stopped mid stroke and he felt his face heat up.

 **KornKing3000** : ((r u jacking it Michael))  
**KornKing3000** : ((u r totally fucking jacking it))  
**KornKing3000** : ((ur fucking welcome buddy im glad youre enjoying my handmade erotica))  
**WakaWaka** : ((Sorry))  
**KornKing3000** : ((??? why are you sorry i was serious im glad for you, im doing this to help you with that exact problem, remember??))  
**WakaWaka** : ((Yeah. Idk i just feel. Uh. Embarrassed.))  
**KornKing3000** : ((no judgements here, i promise))  
**KornKing3000** : ((go ahead and reply when youre ready))

Maybe it was his heightened emotions, but he felt frustrated tears prickle at the corner of his eyes as he continued to stroke himself. Wanting to continue, he brought up his other hand, typing slowly and clumsily. Passionate and lusty, he gave in and wrote out a fantasy he’d never said out loud before.

 **WakaWaka** : I grab a fistful of Jeremy’s hair and I thrust forward, fucking his face. Not super rough, I don’t want to hurt him, and I make sure he’s completely okay with it, it kind of seemed like he’d be okay with it from what you said before, so, uh, yeah.  
**KornKing3000** : ((Damn boy!!! Nice!!))  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy lets out loud, hungry whimpers as Michael forces his cock down his throat. Drool leaks out of his mouth and he tightens his lips around Michael, pressing his tongue flush against his shaft as he is roughly jerked up and down._

Michael groaned out loud, jerking himself fast and hard until finally he released onto himself, cum spilling out over his hand and his shirt. His chest heaved, taking deep breaths as he recovered from his orgasm. After a moment of rest, he grimaced and reached over for the tissues. He tried to clean himself off the best he could. 

Afterwards, he sighed and looked back to the screen. He saw that Korn was waiting patiently for his response. A welcome change compared to his usual teasing. He typed out his reply, eyes half lidded as he thought about what he’d love to see happen if it really was Jeremy sucking him off.

 **WakaWaka** : It feels amazing and seeing Jeremy like that sends me over the edge. I cum into his mouth and he swallows it all.  
**KornKing3000** : _Jeremy swallows, pulling off of Michael’s dick slowly, and he lets go of the tip with a loud ‘pop’. “Fuck. Michael. That was hot.” He says, voice weak and raspy._  
**WakaWaka** : I say thanks? And I pull him into a big hug and I kiss his cheek. I nuzzle him a bit.  
**KornKing3000** : _“Thank you for doing that for me, Michael.” He leans in and whispers in Michael’s ear. “No homo.”_

Michael froze, and he suddenly felt nauseous. It shouldn’t have bothered him so much, he knew Korn was just making a lighthearted joke but... For some reason it hit way too close to home. He could imagine it happening - he could imagine Jeremy asking him for something like this, devoid of feelings, and Michael would do it for him.

It just reminded him that Jeremy didn’t love him, and he never would. Not even this phony porno Jeremy.

 **WakaWaka** : Why  
**WakaWaka** : Why would you fucking write that  
**WakaWaka** : I’m sorry, dude it’s not funny. I’m actually really fucking upset now so thanks.

He rested his cheek on his hand with a frustrated pout. Silently he watched Korn scramble out his response, messages shooting out at lightning speed.

 **KornKing3000** : oh fuck oh shit im so sorry Michael holy shit wait  
**KornKing3000** : fuck i wasnt thinking  
**KornKing3000** : Michael i’m so so sorry I didn’t mean to upset you. Let’s forget he said that, I take it back, uhh  
**KornKing3000** : _***Jeremy says he loves you too and kisses you on the forehead._

Then suddenly his frustration flipped and he felt tears burn hot in his eyes. He got up from his desk and stumbled out to the hall, heading for the bathroom. Tissues weren’t enough. He felt filthy. He scrubbed his hands at the sink, using way more soap than was necessary. 

Before he went back into his room, he glanced at Jeremy’s door, feeling stupid and desperate and pathetic. A part of him was somewhat angry at Jeremy, though this anger didn’t seem to come from anywhere in particular. Maybe it was more towards the fake Jeremy, the one who had ‘toyed with his heart’. He breathed out a bitter chuckle and sulked back to his computer.

There were messages waiting for him.

 **KornKing3000** : Michael???  
**KornKing3000** : dude im sorry i shouldnt have said that, it was a mean joke, i fucked up so bad  
**KornKing3000** : fuck i shouldnt have done this in the first place it was unfair to you ufjhfjfnd im so so so sorry Michael. I’m an idiot and a terrible friend.  
**KornKing3000** : sorry

Michael sighed. Now Korn felt like shit too. He typed his message slowly, his expression dull.

 **WakaWaka** : No its fine. You’re not a terrible friend. It’s just me. I’m in love with a guy that’ll never see me as more than a friend and I can’t get over him. It’s so fucking sad isn’t it?? I’m crying over some frankly garbage porn version of Jeremy telling me he loves me. I’m so disgustingly desperate. And creepy. I’ve betrayed his trust. I don’t deserve to even look at him anymore. I hate myself so fucking much.

For a while, he got no response. But just as he was about to give up and close the window, he saw a tiny blip of a typing notification flash up, and then disappear. Then it appeared, and disappeared, and appeared once more, flickering what was probably a dozen times. Finally a huge wall of text appeared in the chat window.

 **KornKing3000** : Michael stop! You are the sweetest, more selfless person I have ever met. You are not creepy, no matter how many times your brain says that you are. If anyone is creepy it’s me, the guy who just wrote porn of his best friend completely unprompted. Your thoughts about Jeremy are normal! You haven’t done anything wrong, okay? I basically had to force you to be even remotely sexual in the rp, all you want to do is kiss him and shit because you are the purest motherfucker, and that’s just so nice?? Jeremy is lucky to have you, even just as his friend. I’m so fucking lucky to have you as a friend. You stick with my shit even though half the time I’m a garbage dump of emotions. You’ve been there for me through so much, and I’m so grateful that we are friends. I’m so glad that I messaged you all those years ago, I don’t know what I would have done without you.  
**KornKing3000** : fugk im… really embarrassed that i typed all of that im just gonna… go

Michael blinked at the message, his chest filling with a pleasant warmth. He wasn’t expecting the sappy outpour of emotions from Korn. A tiny, embarrassed smile crept onto his face as he stared at the screen, re-reading the message a few times.

 **WakaWaka** : you are such a… why are you so nice???  
**WakaWaka** : I’m really glad we’re friends too. Cornelius :^)  
**KornKing3000** : is this some sort of revenge  
**KornKing3000** : bringing my full name into this  
**KornKing3000** : i’ll suck it up and take it if it makes you feel better

Michael laughed out loud, his smile growing wider. It was really rare for Korn to be so… passive. This was probably a great opportunity to toy with him, he decided. 

**WakaWaka** : Oh really? You’ll “suck it up” and “take it”, Cornelius?  
**KornKing3000** : jfnshhhcjdje WHAT THE FUCK  
**WakaWaka** : You’ve seen me at my most vulnerable. So yeah, I do want some revenge.  
**KornKing3000** : what… do you have in mind

Revenge. That sounded nice. He thought for a moment, trying to come up with something.

 **WakaWaka** : tell me something embarrassing you did before you and Theo got together.  
**KornKing3000** : you mean sexually embarrassing dont you  
**WakaWaka** : Of course :)  
**KornKing3000** : bcjshcjjdhd uh idk??? We were still in high school!! Oh wait  
**KornKing3000** : oh ok there was… one time. When Theo slept over.  
**WakaWaka** : oh my god

Michael scooted forward in his chair in anticipation.

 **KornKing3000** : i dont really know what i was thinking but  
**KornKing3000** : i wanked it beside him while he was asleep  
**KornKing3000** : and he didnt notice, thank god, but then i was like all messy right so i tried to get up but  
**KornKing3000** : when i started to move he ?? turned over and put his arm around me and cuddled up to my shoulder and i couldnt. fucking. move.  
**KornKing3000** : i was really nervous about the fact that he was cuddling me and also the fact that i had sPUNK ALL OVER MY HAND  
**KornKing3000** : so long story short I didnt sleep that night and i had to clean dried cum off of myself in the morning without him noticing.

Michael let out a quiet laugh, shaking his head at Korn’s story. It certainly made him feel less bad about what he did with Jeremy. At least he hadn’t actually done anything in the same room as him. That was just ridiculous. Michael imagined for a moment the train wreck that might happen if he tried that. If Jeremy woke up and caught him. Surprisingly, the thought made him laugh, instead of him feeling worried or scared. It would be so, so awkward.

 **WakaWaka** : *slow claps* wow. Well at least he didn’t catch you. Or did he? >:)  
**KornKing3000** : you wanna know the truth  
**KornKing3000** : i asked him about it  
**KornKing3000** : he didnt notice but  
**KornKing3000** : apparently he had also wanked it at one of our sleepovers when I was crashed  
**KornKing3000** : fucking wild right  
**WakaWaka** : HOLY SHIT  
**WakaWaka** : Wow that’s a match made in heaven.  
**KornKing3000** : i know right

If Korn and his boyfriend had worked past those awkward bumps, well than… Maybe Michael would be okay with Jeremy, he thought to himself with a relaxed grin. Sure, Jeremy didn’t like him that way. But he had accepted that years ago, hadn’t he? Michael remembered that all of that physical, sexual stuff wasn’t important. 

Just having Jeremy by his side as his friend, that’s what was important. And any fantasies he might have? They were fine as just fantasies.

 **KornKing3000** : so who knows, maybe Jeremy has done a smutty rp about you before too  
**WakaWaka** : dude literally no one does that but us because we’re fucking weirdos  
**KornKing3000** : yeah you’re probably right lmao  
**KornKing3000** : so… are we good? Are you good?

He looked at Korn’s message fondly, appreciative. He had another great friend too.

 **WakaWaka** : Yeah. Thanks buddy.  
**KornKing3000** : good  
**KornKing3000** : … :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HHHHHH This was so much fun to write!!!! Come chat with me on tumblr @ MrsLovelyPears if u wanna scream about the boyfsl or BMC with me fjhgsdfg... Thanks <3


	17. Bonus: Michael Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The events of chapter 10, "Jeremy Alone" in Michael's perspective. What went through his head when he went home?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey um this chapter has been a long time coming and it is... lengthy, oops. But I just had so much to say for this chapter!! So I'm sorry if the ending seems a bit abrupt :C There will be some cuddly chapters soon, set AFTER the ending of the story!! Stay tuned for those!!
> 
> WARNING - there is a very, VERY brief and vague reference to self harm near the ending of this chapter. Like, I mean really small. Just a heads up if you are sensitive to that! No actual self harm happens at all in this chapter so don't worry about that :)

When Michael pulled up to the house, he wasn’t surprised to find the driveway empty. He was pretty sure that since he had moved into the apartment, his parents were away on trips even more often than before. It seemed like such a waste to have such a large house and barely even give it any use. 

He unlocked the door, his movements slow and sluggish, back hunched over with the heavy weight of his bags. “I’m home.” He called out in a low voice to the dark, dusty hallway, even though no one would be there to hear. The familiar scent of his family home reached his nose and he was hit with a wave of nostalgia. He felt it inside of him, not really any particular memory but feelings. Feelings of comfort, loneliness, disappointment and… of love. 

Jeremy. The warmth of him in his arms. A soothing touch as they lie pressed together on the couch in the basement. Counting the freckles on his face as he slept on his lap. The smell of his shampoo, the same one that Michael used, but it seemed so much sweeter on him. Sore ears from lying with his phone pressed against his face for hour long talks after midnight. The rush of excitement at hearing his voice calling out to his window at the top of his lungs. Being in love.

But those light feelings became tainted and muddy when his mind caught up to himself and he remembered that it was over. Those feelings had finally ruined their friendship, and now he was left with nothing but a weight on his shoulders and a hollow chest. Jeremy hated him now. He deserved it.

He took a few slow steps up the stairs before stopping. He had almost forgotten. The room that he spent so much of his life growing up in was empty, save for a few abandoned boxes of things they didn’t need at the apartment, like tattered stuffed animals and old children’s books. With a sigh, he turned back around and walked over to the basement stairs.

Not too much had changed since he had last been down there. The ratted couch was gone, taken with them to the apartment - a gracious donation by his parents. The loveseat that used to be at the side of the room had been moved into the center to replace it. The TV was still there, but the sound system was gone. Whatever he watched out of this thing was going to sound tinny and flat, but he could care less at this point.

The burn on the carpet. It was still there. He remembered shoving the couch backwards to cover it with Jeremy on that… stupid, but interesting day. Now it was out in the open with nothing to hide it. Michael was surprised his parents hadn’t freaked out on him about it. Maybe they just hadn’t noticed. It wouldn’t be the first thing they hadn’t noticed about him.

He rubbed his face, trying to shake the saltiness from his system. So what, his parents weren’t here. That wasn’t anything new, he was used to it. He didn’t come here to talk to them, he came here to… hide, he guessed. To run away. He slumped down on the small couch. It was quiet. Deafeningly quiet. He pulled out his phone and hovered over the call button, despite himself. Would his parents even answer?

With a strangely desperate stir in his chest, he hit the button and held the phone up to his ear. He felt slightly nauseous at the thought of talking to his mom about what had happened, but he needed to talk to someone, anyone.

His heart jumped at the sound of her voice, but sank once more when he realized it was just an answering machine. With the strongest voice he could muster, a light, subtly shaky tone, he left a message. “Hey mom. I’m at the house right now - I guess you guys are away for work? I’m going to be staying here for a while, if that’s cool. When will you be back? Talk to you soon, say hi to Dad for me. Love you. Bye.”

The last word was nothing but a whisper when it left his lips. He’d felt his fair share of loneliness throughout his life. There’d been a lot of empty nights in his childhood, echoing hallways, nightmares he’d wake up from with no one to run to, and it would chill him like a frigid breeze. Most nights he’d be able to take it. But tonight, he had an urgency.

After staring at the ceiling in silence for… who even knows how long, he finally got the motivation to turn himself over onto his side. He spied the television remote on the side table and stretched out his arm, straining to reach it without having to actually get up. The tips of his fingers nudged it further away from him accidentally, and it ended up tumbling off of the edge onto the carpet. He let out a long sigh and shoved his face into the pillow, giving up.

Thinking of talking to his mom about this was a bad idea, he remembered after some brief rationalization. How would he even explain what he was upset about? He wasn’t out to them and he didn’t plan on being so. He had no idea how they’d react. Well, he had some theories. Mostly worrying worst case scenarios conjured up when he was feeling particularly down. 

Out of all the theories, the one that he thought was the most likely of all? They wouldn’t care. Not in a ‘we love you no matter what, you’re our son, and nothing will change how we feel about you’ way. That was a nice fantasy, but not one he saw happening. In a much, much lonelier way that he was… used to by now.

An idea popped into his head, and for a brief moment, he felt lighter - like the cloud of fog had lifted away from his head and he could breathe again. Korn. He could talk to Korn about this. Why didn’t he think of it sooner? With a sudden burst of energy he pushed himself up on the couch and he dug his phone from his pocket. 

But then he remembered the last time they talked, and the cloud returned, draping heavy overtop of him. He had been so bitter to Korn. Not to mention the fact that Michael hadn’t even contacted him to apologize in days. He probably wouldn’t want to hear from him now, just to complain more about Jeremy. And if he remembered correctly, he was having a visit with his boyfriend right now anyway, so he probably wouldn’t want to be disturbed.

A devastating thought occurred to him that the only other person he would be able to talk to in times like this… well, he couldn’t talk to him anymore. Maybe even ever.

Exhaustion quickly took hold of him, drained from the drive and from getting next to no sleep the night before. His eyelids drooped closed and he fell into dreams. Memories. He saw his father in his study, where he always was. Still in the suit he wore to work, his tie loosened, back hunched over in concentration as he scribbled something under the dim yellow lamp light. A plate of cold food sat beside him on his desk, untouched. He never ate with them at the dinner table.

There weren’t many memories of his father not in his study. Reading something, typing something, taking phone calls. Sometimes, when Michael and Jeremy got too rowdy while playing games, his dad would storm over to the basement door and shout in a deep, threatening tone to be quiet while he was working. And he was always working. It didn’t happen often, but whenever he did yell it would chill Michael to his core, terrified of this frail, usually stock silent man that he rarely ever talked to. Jeremy was usually there to hold his shaking hands and whisper that it was going to be alright.

Not all of the memories were bad. His father taught him how to cook a few dishes - simple ones, but recipes that were now ingrained in Michael’s head as something important and fond. How to properly cook salmon. An old family soup recipe with tomatoes and ground beef - Jeremy loved that one.

His father commented on something Michael was reading once, a novel assigned in class, and they had a nice, long discussion about the characters. Michael still kept a copy of that book tucked into his desk drawer, tattered and worn.

It was a little more complicated when it came to his mother. She was opinionated and loud, with high expectations and a low tolerance. Michael knew when not to cross her. She didn’t quite yell, but she scolded harshly whenever he did anything - no matter how small - out of line. Luckily she wasn’t there too often.

When his parents were gone he would stretch out, relax, smoke, and be as loud as he liked. Freedom was nice. But only for so long, and then things would start to fall apart. The noises in the night would jolt him awake. The echo of his footsteps in the hall. Or the continuous drip of a leaking faucet. Everywhere was _quiet, quiet, quiet_ , too quiet, so he would plug in his headphones and fill his mind with everything but that terrifying silence.

So when they returned, he made sure to give them a warm welcome, ensuring the house was as spotless and fresh as they had left it. His efforts would go unnoticed, and that was good, that was the entire point, but his chest still felt empty. A little praise, once in awhile, is all he wanted.

He did feel bitterness. Especially after his 10th birthday, when it seemed to click in his head that he wasn’t a priority in their lives. But he felt an overwhelming hollowness, a longing, a strain in his heart every time they went out the door.

A loud buzzing jolted him out of his sleep. His phone had gotten crammed under his arm somehow, leaving him feeling sore where it had dug into him, and he could feel the vibration tickling him. He pulled it from underneath him and squinted at the screen, still woozy from his nap.

He went cold as ice when he saw the name on the display as it rang. It was Jeremy. For a moment he just stared at it, letting it ring as his heartbeat pounded noisily in his ears, shaking his entire body. He didn’t even consider hitting the answer button before the call dropped and his phone went silent.

He was able to breathe again. What did Jeremy want? To yell at him? That was probably the last thing he needed right now. Thanks to that terrifying scare, his brain was wide awake now - his body trailing close behind. The combination of a stressful, short, and cramped sleep had really taken its toll on Michael. He dragged his aching body upwards on the couch, arms weak and shaky as they held him up, phone gripped in a sweaty hand. As he shifted, the phone suddenly began to buzz again, and he let go like it had burned him, accidentally tossing it on the floor.

Anxiety crawled inside of his chest as he stumbled off of the couch after it. He fumbled clumsily and confirmed that yes, Jeremy was calling him _again_. But he couldn’t do it. He couldn’t answer it. Everything seemed to blur in dizzying circles as he watched the phone ring out again in his hands. And then it rang again, a third time, and Michael wanted to. Desperately. 

He wanted to hear his voice again. He wanted Jeremy to hold him in his arms and comfort him and tell him everything was going to be okay. He wanted him to take away the loneliness, the emptiness inside of him, he didn’t need love, he just needed Jeremy. Jeremy. Jeremy. Regret pooled inside of him like acid. Why’d he have to open his stupid mouth?

The ringing stopped. Michael let his hands drop into his lap. With his eyes closed, he made a promise to himself. _If he calls me again, I’ll do it. I’ll answer. And then I’ll apologize, and I’ll beg him to just forget everything, to forgive me, to just go back to normal. One more time. Just one. More. Time._

But the phone remained silent in his hands.

Until a few hours later. A few hours of watching lifeless shows with lifeless eyes. His phone vibrated sharply on the wooden side table and he gasped out loud, a light returning to his chest. But the caller was not Jeremy. It was his mother.

Honestly, that was better than nothing. He answered quickly, clearing his hardly used throat. “Hey, Mom!”

Over the receiver, his mother’s voice pierced loud and rigid, always sounding subtly annoyed with whomever she spoke. “Michael, sweetie, what’s going on?” And straight to the point. “Jeremy called me to ask where you were. Why are you at home? Don’t you have classes? Are you not going to school?”

Her barrage of questions was unfortunately something he hadn’t quite thought about when he first called to leave that message. He was wholly regretting that decision. “Uh, no I’m… I just need some time, so I’m-”

“You need _time_?” She interrupted, already sounding exasperated, and he had barely even said a word to her. “For _what_? Michael, do you not understand how expensive those classes are?”

“I- I know.”

“Your father and I have invested so much into your education - I thought you agreed to take this seriously.”

“I am, Mom.” Michael looked down submissively, his voice low.

She sighed, and he could hear the sounds of chatter in the background, the clinking of silverware. Out somewhere for dinner, he guessed. Who knew where this time. “Are you not enjoying your classes? Are you dropping out, is that what this is?”

Everything was always about classes. They didn’t care about anything else with him - god forbid he was actually upset about something in his life. No, that didn’t matter. It didn’t even come to mind. They probably wanted him to say that he was dropping out. The only reason they had agreed with his choice of program was him explaining the high demand for advanced theory professors. Everything was a calculated decision, everything was about money, how much they deemed was a _proper_ amount for him to pursue.

“No, I like them,” he assured. “I’m- I really like what I’m doing, my professors are great, it’s just… uh…” he trailed off, blanking. What was he going to say? How would he explain it all? He wasn’t ready to come out. Not yet.

“Then what’s the problem, sweetie?” The word ‘sweetie’ sounded aggressive on her tongue.

He searched for the words, but came up with nothing. “It’s a personal thing” he settled with, grumbling. It apparently wasn’t the best thing to say to her.

“You’re not going to tell me?”

“I… No.”

She was silent for a moment, like a smouldering anger was burning inside of her. “Michael. You know I am extremely busy, and I do not have the time or resources to deal with whatever teenage crisis you are going through right now.”

Michael’s face burned. “Mom, I’m not a teenager anymore, I’m an adult.”

“Then start acting like one.” She cut harshly. “Deal with it and get back to your classes, stop wasting our money.” Before he could get another word in, the call dropped and he was left in silence again.

The phone shook in his tense grip and he tossed it onto the carpet viciously, his entire body burning with frustrated rage. “Stupid- Fucking- Piece of-” he grabbed one of the couch pillows and tossed it across the room with both hands, breathing heavily through his nose, face scrunched. It bounced off of a cheap painting on the wall, teetering it precariously.

Of course she didn’t care what he was going through. A waste of time! That’s what she thought he was! How had he expected anything different? He slumped into the couch face first, groaning into the cushions. That was so, so, so stupid.

He didn’t move for a while. An unhealthy amount of time was spent staring at the television, trying to distract himself from, well, _everything_. The hours blended together, things started to repeat. He slept. His stomach tried to will him to move, to get up and feed himself, but there probably wasn’t anything to even eat in this abandoned house so what’s the point. 

What’s the point.

An indiscernible amount of time later, there was a knock on the door. For a moment Michael didn’t even register what that meant. And then he jolted up, body weak but tense from adrenaline, and he stared up towards the basement stairs. Did he really hear that? Who would come here? Someone for his parents? He rubbed his face and ran his hand through his hair, feeling how greasy and disgusting he was. He probably looked horrendous. 

Wobbling, he stumbled up the stairs. His throat was dry. How long had it been since he drank anything? He couldn’t remember. Everything was shaking, his eyes weren’t focusing properly, it was disorienting, and he thumped his head into the cold front door trying to peer through the peep hole. Someone was there, but he couldn’t make out who. It took him a few tries to tug on the door hard enough to open it.

The sun blinded him and he squinted painfully. He hadn’t even registered that he had a headache until then, his forehead pounded viciously at the bright light in his eyes. It made him sick to his stomach. 

“Hello, son,” A familiar voice greeted in a slightly awkward, very familiar tone. Michael blinked his eyes open the best he could and saw Jeremy’s father standing in front of him. The man leaned forward slightly, blocking out the light and giving Michael some respite. “I heard that you…” he trailed off, his eyes falling into a softly worried expression. “Are you alright?”

Michael felt like he was going to throw up. His arms and legs trembled and he fell against the door, unable to hold himself up. Why was he here? A wave of anxiety flooded through him. The thought of Jeremy telling his dad… The thought of Jeremy telling anyone at all, what he would say, the vicious looks of hatred and disgust, maybe even cruel sneers… it assaulted his mind and it made him dizzy and overwhelmed. His head pounded and his heart rate escalated, draining all of the energy left in his body at once and he nearly collapsed onto the ground. Mr. Heere’s large hands caught his arms and he held him up. Michael gripped the front of his shirt to steady himself. His fingers felt numb, unreal, and he barely registered him moving him to the kitchen to sit down.

A glass of cold water placed in front of him and a hand on his back brought him back to reality, and he took the cup, sipping tentatively. He grimaced as the water hit his empty stomach. 

“Take it easy, son.” Mr. Heere soothed as he sat on a chair next to him. He took another slow sip as he continued. “Have you been all alone in this state?” After a moment of hesitation, Michael nodded into his cup, which seemed so heavy in his wobbly hands. “What happened to you two…” he mumbled to himself, making Michael tense up.

Mr. Heere scooted forward a bit and tilted his head down to meet Michael’s eyes. “You know you can always come to me about anything, no matter what, Michael. You’re like a second son to me.” He gave Michael a lopsided smile through his fuzzy beard and Michael stared, his breath halted. “I may not be the greatest dad out there, but I can try my best.”

At that moment, Michael realized how much of an idiot he was. 

How could he have forgotten who had been there for him over the years he and Jeremy grew up together? How could he have forgotten everything that Jeremy’s father had done for him when his parents weren’t there, every time he went out of his way for Michael, supported him, took care of him?

He guessed it had just been so much of a foreign thing, an actual father figure, that he hadn’t even recognized it for what it was.

Mr. Heere had gone through a lot. Michael wasn’t privy to all of the details, but he remembered seeing Jeremy’s mother sometimes, before she left. A woman that ‘wasn’t all there’. Polite, but somehow ‘off’ is how he knew her. She hadn’t been a bad person. Just unstable. And Michael never had to see her at her worst - like Jeremy did.

There were days that Jeremy would avoid going home, trying to escape the arguments, the thick tension hanging in the halls. Or days where Michael would come over to see the Heere household was a disaster, the boys having eaten nothing but take-out the past few days, because his mother was ‘having trouble getting up’ this week.

Still, Mr. Heere was a positive force. On days where Mrs. Heere was ‘resting’, he got Jeremy out of the house to distract him, and Michael was always invited along. He would try connecting with them, taking the three of them out for things like mini putt. He taught Michael how to putt straight.

He taught Michael a lot of things his parent’s didn’t bother to teach him.

He gave Michael driving lessons, staying as calm as he could with Michael’s nervous tendency to slam down on the brakes, or his breakdowns about parallel parking.

He taught Michael how to shave, even sacrificing a bit of his beard in order to demonstrate.

Michael realized that he was more of a dad to him than his own father was.

Jeremy told Michael about the night his mother left. She had tiptoed into his room, jacket already on, and woken him up gently. ‘It’s for the best’ she told him. ‘I can’t be happy, I’m losing myself.’ Then she whispered that she loved him, but this was goodbye. Her hands had been shaking, and there were tears in her eyes and bruises on her wrists.

In the morning, Jeremy had found his father lying on his bed, unresponsive, with a violent scratch on his face. 

Michael didn’t know everything that happened between Jeremy’s family. But he did know that it wasn’t good. And she wasn’t well. And then neither was Mr. Heere for a long while.

But he got better. The day he found Michael on the porch, burning away his memories - thank god he had come when he did, and Michael hadn’t gone through with destroying the Magic card Jeremy had made for him - was the first day he had seen him so alert in a long time. He got back on his feet. For Jeremy. And then he had continued to be a supportive, strong father for him after that. 

On graduation day he sat beside Michael’s parents, cheering the loudest for both boys as they received their diplomas.

“Michael,” Mr. Heere spoke, breaking him away from his thoughts. “You’re not alone. I won’t let you think that.”

And at his words, Michael burst into tears. Mr. Heere opened his arms and Michael fell into them, sobbing into his chest. He awkwardly patted his back, trying his best to comfort him. And Michael was thankful. He had been so focused on the attention he wasn’t getting from his own parents that he had missed everything that Mr. Heere had already done for him.

“Alright son,” Mr. Heere said to him after he had cried himself out, water glass filled once more. Pizza had been called, courtesy of the old man. They were sat down across from each other again. Michael’s nose was stuffed up and his throat was sore, but he already felt better. Mr. Heere put his hands together on the table, leaning forward at full attention. “You can tell me what’s wrong. What happened between you and Jeremy?”

He wanted to tell him. He felt like he could. Possibly. Maybe. Oh god, he really had no idea how he might react. This was his son they were talking about. He’d probably find it undeniably creepy. Michael swallowed and stared into his water glass.

Sensing his hesitation, Mr. Heere sighed out, “I have a bit of a hunch,” and Michael froze in his seat. “Did you two… break up?”

Michael clenched his fingers around the glass and let out a nearly silent, _horrified_ squeak. “What?? Break- What??” he sputtered, “What do you mean? Jeremy and I aren’t dating!”

“Oh.” Mr. Heere went red with embarrassment. “OH! My apologies, I just always assumed, what with the cuddling, and the hand holding…”

“You saw that?”

“You were trying to hide it?”

Michael faltered, rubbing the back of his neck and avoiding his gaze. “Well… no. But- but why didn’t you say anything?”

Mr. Heere sat back in his chair. He looked equally as awkward as Michael felt. “I just always assumed you boy’s would tell me eventually… I wasn’t sure how to bring it up.” He let out a small laugh. “I’m actually a little relieved.”

“Relieved…” Michael paled.

“Not that you two aren’t gay!” He quickly backtracked as he put up his hands in defense. “No, no, sorry, that’s not what I meant.” His voice dropped as he continued, his eyes cast downwards. “I had been worried and honestly… a little hurt that you two didn’t feel comfortable with telling me… I didn’t want you to think I wasn’t okay with it.” With a smile and an awkward chuckle, he looked back up at Michael. “I guess that doesn’t actually matter, now, does it?”

Michael’s heart thumped hard in his chest as he felt the words come to his lips, and out of all the times he had wanted to tell anyone… this was the time that he realized he could. He took a brave, shaky breath and spoke up. “Actually I… I am gay, Mr. Heere.” As soon as the words were out he flushed with embarrassment and fear, and he found his eyes darting around to wander anywhere but forwards, where he could see the expression on his face. “You’re… You’re the first person I’ve actually told that to, haha…” His hands shook and he bit his lip.

Before the fear could creep any further up Michael’s spine, he felt Mr. Heere’s hand on his shoulder, and he jerked his head upwards to see him looking directly at him, a sincere smile on his face. “I’m proud of you, son” he said. Michael trembled under his hand, blinking tears away, with an embarrassed, wobbly smile. “...You didn’t tell Jeremy first?”

Michael breathed, his voice watery as he sighed at the question. “N-no, I- uh… He kind of inadvertently found out when… when I…”

And so he told him everything, and he listened, patiently and seriously. It was easy telling him the scariest part - him being in love with Jeremy - when apparently he had already assumed that from the beginning. But of course he had. Maybe that’s what he really meant, years ago, on his front porch. Maybe when he had asked, “do you love him” he had meant it the same way Michael did. 

But reliving that night, the anxiety, and the obsessive fixation turned monopolization hurt him more than he expected. During parts of his story, his chest would seize up and send him into small fits of hyperventilation, where Mr. Heere would order him to stop for a moment and tell him to calm himself, to take his time, and reassure him that he wasn’t going anywhere.

There was quiet after Michael finished, wiping his wet face on his sleeve. Mr. Heere sat in contemplation for a while before he said anything in response. When he did, he looked at Michael seriously and sternly.

“You’ve gone through a lot Michael. My son hurt you, even if he didn’t mean to. He probably should have paid attention more and realized exactly what he was doing, and how it made you feel. I’m sorry.”

Michael nodded along with him, feeling lighter, brighter.

Mr. Heere continued. “But you must understand that the way you reacted was wrong.”

A twinge of pain went through Michael’s chest and he winced. He knew all too well. “I… I know.”

“You should not have taken your anger out on that girl. You need to make sure to apologise properly to her.”

“Yes, sir.”

“And Michael.” Mr. Heere scooched forward slightly in his chair. “You never gave Jeremy the chance to understand you. You never told him your feelings, so you should not have expected him to figure them out on his own.” He smiled, breaking his serious demeanor. “You know what kind of boy he is.”

Michael smiled back softly. “Yeah, haha. He’s pretty oblivious.” He tapped on the table absently, his mind heavy as he thought over what Mr. Heere was saying. Most of it he already knew, but… Having someone actually scold him for it was really… relieving. It wasn’t just him rolling around in his head, it wasn’t just his self hatred ruminating. It was a problem that he could attempt to fix. Suddenly it was all so much smaller.

“I know it was… bad, the way I was thinking,” Michael said. “He had just said some things that kind of made me feel like he sort of…’liked’ me-” he shrugged, and put up air quotations. “-in whatever weird, Jeremy way. And so I twisted it around and I got mixed up with the make-believe stuff in my head, and I tricked myself into thinking he belonged to me. But he doesn’t.” He looked down, clenching his hands into fists. “I’m sorry, I’m… I’m a creep.”

Mr. Heere put his hand on Michael’s head, and Michael relaxed, unclenching his hands. “You’re not a creep Michael. But you’re right. Jeremy doesn’t belong to you.” Michael nodded silently. “If you wanted him to be committed to you, you’d need to properly communicate that to him.”

Michael flushed, and waved his hands in front of him, backing away from Mr. Heere slightly. “Oh, god, I couldn’t ever- he doesn’t feel that way towards me, and…” he trailed off before sighing out, “I’ve accepted that.”

“Have you ever asked him how he felt?”

The question made his chest tighten. “Mr. Heere… Please… Don’t try to get my hopes up.” He looked up with a melancholic smile. “Just… don’t.”

Mr. Heere quickly apologized, and the two were silent for a while. Ruminating over Jeremy, and the mess that had been made, and the irreversible damaged it had caused. Later, sitting on the couch with pizza in their hands, and a cheesy movie on the tv, Michael found himself smiling. The food was a godsend, Mr. Heere continued piling extra slices on his plate as he stuffed his face - he had barely realized how hungry he was until he took that first bite of mouthwatering cheesy goodness. And the conversation was awkward. Mr. Heere would make cheesy jokes and references that Michael didn’t really understand, and he’d laugh a little too loudly at cringey parts of the movie, but… 

It helped. He could have left so long ago, at any time, but it’s like he could tell that Michael didn’t want to be alone without having to say anything.

But eventually he did need to leave. After the movie was finished, and dinner properly cleaned up - a collaborative effort - Michael saw him off at the door.

“You should talk to him,” Mr. Heere said plainly as he stood with his shoes on, ready to go. Michael grimaced, dreading the idea, and Mr. Heere sighed at his expression. “He’s worried about you.”

“Are… Are you sure he isn’t angry? Or disgusted?” Michael asked, curling in protectively on himself.

Mr. Heere let out a tiny breath of a laugh, like that was the most unfathomable thing he had ever heard. “Michael… of course not. I didn’t get too much from him over the phone, but… Why would he call me over here to check up on you if he was angry?”

Oh.

He guessed he hadn’t realized it fully. The reason Mr. Heere came over in the first place. Jeremy had asked him to check on him. He remembered the ignored calls - three in a row. And he had even called his mom, and he never went out of his way to do that. It had been days without a single word. Jeremy must have been so worried.

His heart clenched painfully at the thought, but it was a good pain, accompanied by a familiar warmth that always came with things like this. This was how it felt to love Jeremy - confusing, backwards, clueless, _wonderful_ Jeremy.

“I’ll… I’ll talk to him. Not now, but… eventually.” He gripped the hem of his sweater to ground himself. “But.. I’m probably going to have to move back home.” Mr. Heere opened his mouth to say something, but Michael quickly continued, “No matter if he forgives me or not, he probably won’t want to live with me anymore. I don’t want to make him uncomfortable.”

Mr. Heere was quiet for a moment, before simply restating his words from before. “Talk to him. Okay, Michael?” He obviously didn’t agree with Michael’s reasoning, but he wasn’t going to press it, and Michael appreciated it.

He appreciated a lot.

In a split second decision, Michael took a step forward and hugged Mr. Heere. “Thank you. For everything.” He said, muffled in the fabric of his shirt. And he meant everything, from even before that day. Every time that he was there for him, for all of his care, and his generosity, for all of the times Michael should have thanked him but he didn’t because he couldn’t see how important it was until now. Mr. Heere hugged him back, patting his back soothingly. 

“Everything’s going to be okay, son.”

He spent the next few hours staring at his phone, fighting with himself. Call Jeremy. Call Jeremy. _Do not. Call. Jeremy_. How would he start _that_ conversation? ‘Hey, Jerm, sorry I ignored you for the past few days I was just hopelessly depressed over my garbage dump of an accidental confession, do you hate me yet?’ And no matter how much his brain tried to rationalize that Jeremy possibly _wasn’t_ as angry as he thought he was, he still kept coming back to it. Still kept imagining the worst case scenario, of Jeremy cutting him out of his life completely.

It wouldn’t be the first time that he had tried.

But that probably wasn’t the case, as Mr. Heere pointed out. Yeah, maybe he didn’t hate him now. But no matter what, things were going to be awkward between them. Jeremy probably wouldn’t want to live with a guy who had a creepy obsessive crush on him. He still at least had to go get the rest of his things, like his computer. He missed his computer so badly.

Maybe he could sneak in and out without Jeremy noticing. He’d go when Jeremy had classes, so he wouldn’t have to have any sort of confrontation with him.

The next morning, with nothing more to do, and being insanely stir crazy from being cooped inside of the basement for days straight, he jumped back into his car to head for the apartment. He knew Jeremy’s schedule by heart of course, so he was certain he’d arrive right in the middle of his class, giving him plenty of time to just grab some of his stuff and go.

After a nerve wracking car ride, and about 10 minutes of just sitting in the parked car to work up his courage, he tentatively approached the door to the apartment. He shakily pulled out his keys, but found that the door was… already unlocked. But maybe Jeremy just forgot to lock it on his way out. He did that sometimes, and Michael would always have to scold him for it - they had a lot of expensive gaming equipment in there.

He froze, doorknob in his outstretched hand, when he saw that that wasn’t the case. Jeremy was conked out on the couch, curled in on himself in a tight ball, his face half-smushed into the cushions. His eyebrows were furrowed, probably not enjoying the sun streaming in the window right onto his face as he slept.

And honestly, he looked terrible. There were huge bags under his eyes, his skin was pale and sicky, and he probably hadn’t showered in a few days, either. Kind of like himself, Michael realized, and his stomach sank. How could he have done this to Jeremy?

His instinct to help Jeremy overpowered his fear of waking him, and he took quiet steps across the room to close the curtains. Immediately he noticed his face relax more. Michael spotted a bottle of alcohol on the coffee table, and he went over to look at it quizzically. There was a few shots worth missing from the bottle since he last looked at it, which was quite a while ago, honestly.

He didn’t like drinking much, other than getting a small warm buzz. The thought of losing any sort of control over what he said or did in front of Jeremy, or anyone, was scary for him for the most part. And he didn’t particularly like seeing Jeremy drunk either. But thankfully, he didn’t do it often, and when he did he didn’t drink much at all, considering how much of a lightweight the both of them were.

Clearly, Michael sussed out, the nightmares had come back, and it was absolutely his fault. And then he hadn’t been there for him when he needed him. What if it had gotten as bad as one of those nights, and he hadn’t been able to call Michael to help?

Michael crouched in front of Jeremy and looked at him more closely for any new marks or scars, but it didn’t look like that had been the case, thankfully. He was shivering though, so Michael got back up to bring him the comforter from Jeremy’s bed. As he laid it over him, he stirred, squinting and blinking his eyes open at Michael, who immediately shrunk away. 

“Michael?” Jeremy croaked out in a tired, weak voice that made Michael melt, and tears began welling in Jeremy’s eyes. His arms lunged forward, tugging Michael closer to him, and he buried his face in his chest, sobbing out repeated apologies. For a moment Michael had no idea how to react, Jeremy’s touch buzzing against him like he had been starved for it, heart threatening to burst out of him, and he allowed himself, almost unconsciously, to wrap his arms around the crying boy tightly, to try to comfort the sobs shaking his body.

He just couldn’t stay apart from Jeremy after all.

“I miss you,” Michael heard him sob through the apologies. “Don’t go. Please stay.”

With a soft resolve that he didn’t fully comprehend before the words left his mouth, he whispered in response, “I’m not going anywhere, Jer.”

And he never had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi!! Thanks for making it this far!! I love each and every one of you so much <3 I hope this chapter wasn't super disappointing? I really wanted to get it out though, ha ha it's been in the works for way too long. 
> 
> Special shout out to @omegaylomaniac on tumblr for making me cry by drawing fanart of chapter 6 - the soulmate scene. I died that day.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Illusions](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11712639) by [JaredKleinman](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaredKleinman/pseuds/JaredKleinman)




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